Anew

Okay so typically I wouldn’t write about something that may seem so personal to me however, I am NOT really ashamed of this bit because I have finally, after some time, taken from it. It’s pretty fucking bittersweet I would say.

So anyways, I was seeing this dude a while back, I can’t really call it dating, because labels were absolutely forbidden. I’ll call it Laura becomes emotionally invested while dude becomes, well…he would say annoyed; I would say nothing short of what he was before we met. There was never any room for love, so I knew from the very beginning this most likely would get interesting. Don’t get me wrong, it was tons and tons of fun, and I am more than thankful for these months in my life. I don’t regret much, I just want to write about something new I felt. Something I am appreciative to have, and will continue, to embrace.

I think, like I said, because it was pretty much evident from the beginning, there was never any room for love; I somehow learned how to appreciate someone in a different way. It’s weird, and I might have a difficult time explaining, but I will try. I noticed sometime into “seeing” him that I truly cared about someone, differently than I ever had before. Usually, I will be honest, I am somewhat of a selfish person. I’m a brat, what can I say. It’s something I am aware about myself, and absolutely hate. However, for like the first time ((other than towards my close friends)) I started to actually respect and wish for someone’s happiness more than I cared what I was getting out of it. I liked feeling this way. It made me happy to feel excited for someone else’s happiness.

I guess maybe I was growing, learning from my past mistakes, but it felt pretty good. In past relationships, I always cared for the other person, but I was also pretty concerned with where it was going, what I was gonna get out of it, and ultimately how it would benefit me in the future. These relationships consisted of a lot of, “this is not fair,” “why is he doing this to me”, “why can’t he give me this,” blah blah blah, tears tears tears. I was not feeling this here and it was super fucking strange.

It was more like, I hope you are happy, I hope you do this, I will wait for you to feel, I won’t be jealous, etc, etc. Now I would probably bet that he would say this was not the case, but I am explaining what I actually felt, so fuck what anyone else’s perspective is of my feelings. Again…a first. So as I began to embrace these feelings, I started to apply it towards my other relationships, my friends, my family, my co-workers. Sometimes I get lost, and lose it, but I ultimately I know the ability is there.

I learned that if you try and be happy for someone at all times, rather than feelings of jealously or resentment in any way, there is not much room to be let down. Yea there were times, I wished things were allowed to be different between us, but it was a battle I could not fight, I would never win. So…I set out to care for someone differently and I move forward now with a higher sense of self than I have ever felt. I probably did not always show this to him in the best way, but it was new to me. And I am totally fucking far from perfect.

This “non-relationship” has moved in a direction I did not necessarily hope for, but hey, what can I do? Say? Absolutely nothing, well, besides this. It’s crazy to learn new emotions, different ways to feel. Sometimes it is seriously terrifying. I just think that without emotion, without feelings, there is not much hope for anything. I am happy that I have grown. I am sad some people cannot see true intentions. But at the end of the day, it is those that return this feeling, who will leave a forever impression on your soul. Those that do not may have a different path, and well, if they are happy, then so am I.