So I was thinking today about people that I don’t like. More so, people that I don’t like from the very first time I meet them. I just don’t get it. I do not really understand my reasoning besides I just don’t like them. I am not exactly sure if that is so fair. I’m going to attempt to do a little personal experiment for myself to figure this shit out.
I found a perfect test subject. I meet this girl this weekend and I hate her. I don’t think I am supposed to say hate or whatever, but I really really dislike her. She is a friend of a friend and I think I may have to spend some time around her in the future. Anyways, I meet this girl and immediately I try to find an excuse to get the hell away from her. I don’t exactly know why, but I do. I find myself, as I do with most people I can’t stand, pretty much drifting off to another land while she is talking to me. This girl could be telling me that her puppy just died and here I am nodding, yea okays, and oh how cools. Not listening at all.
Now I can’t go and tell people that I don’t like this girl, and do not want to be around her, because simply I have absolutely no legit reason why. What is wrong with me? Typically, I like most people and I would like to think I try and give people the benefit of the doubt. I mean, I am a social worker, and am in the business of working with people, so I don’t necessarily consider myself an anti-social bitch. But there are like a handful of people that I have met over my years that I just cannot take and it is always from the first time I meet them.
I am going to try with everything in me to actually like this girl. I am going to try and actually listen to her when she talks. I will not stand at the other end of the bar when she is around. Every conscious effort I can make to give this girl a chance I will take. I am not necessarily doing this because I want or need another friend, but just because I want to figure out what it is that makes me hate someone so much without even knowing them. I mean I like plenty of people that suck ass and need life rehab so why is it so different in this situation. I am determined to get right to the bottom of my bitchyness.
Most likely, I will fail by the end of the day. I am already hating her for being in my head for this long. I am wishing myself luck. Good luck.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
Awesomes#5
You're Not, It's Not, What's Not AwEsoMe
people who push the elevator button repeatedly thinking its going to come faster
the weather channel creating mass chaos
not going to bed at a normal time on a monday night
shelly
kiss asses
$500 flights
trying to return something 94 days later only to find out there is a 90 day return policy
final notices
people who forget the things you did for them, as in, selfish people
men who cheat on their wives
someone who steals half your breakfast off the kitchen table
You're, Is, What's Awesome
winds from hurricane, minus the rain
pickle backs
jose's little butt wiggle prior to an attack
not paying for one drink all night
free parking due to hurricane
jose gato turning one
whoever buys me the national tickets for my birthday
chris doc
booking flights
chef boy Tayyyvon
people who push the elevator button repeatedly thinking its going to come faster
the weather channel creating mass chaos
not going to bed at a normal time on a monday night
shelly
kiss asses
$500 flights
trying to return something 94 days later only to find out there is a 90 day return policy
final notices
people who forget the things you did for them, as in, selfish people
men who cheat on their wives
someone who steals half your breakfast off the kitchen table
You're, Is, What's Awesome
winds from hurricane, minus the rain
pickle backs
jose's little butt wiggle prior to an attack
not paying for one drink all night
free parking due to hurricane
jose gato turning one
whoever buys me the national tickets for my birthday
chris doc
booking flights
chef boy Tayyyvon
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Awesomes #4
You're Not, It's Not, What's Not AwEsoMe
Being called a racist by a client ((Clearly I would not be doing this job if I was in the least bit racist. Take a look around...I'm a minority in this setting))
Hurricane Irene
Creeper on the third floor
PECO bills
Jail
Seeing a man cry
People who say mean things only to think you would forget
Super Overexggerators
Spotting a dead body on your way to breakfast
Scared Jose
Premature ejaculation
The last chapter of a really good book
Missing watching Fin grow up
Having to tell someone to brush their teeth more
You're, Is, What's Awesome
East Coast Earthquake
Glen Hansard
Once
Fin's potty training vids
Jeff for making some serious moves
Sharlyn Melon
Bob and Barbaras Drag Show
5th and Brown rooftop view
Catching an ex picking his nose at a traffic light
Villa De Roma
Water for Elephants
Beavis and Butthead on Demand
Midgy Amish Girl
Eggplant Parm/Homeade Bread Crumbs
Being called a racist by a client ((Clearly I would not be doing this job if I was in the least bit racist. Take a look around...I'm a minority in this setting))
Hurricane Irene
Creeper on the third floor
PECO bills
Jail
Seeing a man cry
People who say mean things only to think you would forget
Super Overexggerators
Spotting a dead body on your way to breakfast
Scared Jose
Premature ejaculation
The last chapter of a really good book
Missing watching Fin grow up
Having to tell someone to brush their teeth more
You're, Is, What's Awesome
East Coast Earthquake
Glen Hansard
Once
Fin's potty training vids
Jeff for making some serious moves
Sharlyn Melon
Bob and Barbaras Drag Show
5th and Brown rooftop view
Catching an ex picking his nose at a traffic light
Villa De Roma
Water for Elephants
Beavis and Butthead on Demand
Midgy Amish Girl
Eggplant Parm/Homeade Bread Crumbs
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Jose Vs. Earthquake
Finally, an Earthquake on the East Coast! There may be something really wrong with me, but I was super excited to feel the earth.a.shakin. I'm sitting at my desk and I hear my boss, who is on the line with our co-workers in MD, start screaming. I was like, "yo what's going on back there?" She proceeds to tell me that there is an earthquake in MD. Just as I am making fun of her for believing them, my whole desk starts shaking. I just look at Bob and we are like, what the eff do we do? I'm laughing, he's terrified. Needless, to say it was a baby shake, like maybe 6 sec long.
Of course, everyone in the office pretty much comes to the conclusion the world is gonna end, because thats what they do. The next hour was full of exaggerations and chatter about evacuations. Seriously? What is wrong with people. Earthquakes happen like every minute. There was something close to like 90 earthquakes yesterday. I know it was most of our first experiences with a quake, however, I do not see the purpose of evacuating to outside the building right where shit can collapse on us. Probably not the best idea East Coasters. Regardless, I got out of work early, for god knows what, but I was not going to complain.
I figured the gym was probably the safest place to go. Or most awesome. I was hoping for an aftershock to catch someone fall off a treadmill or watch a weight fall on a juicehead. Something, come on, I needed a story.
Welp...I got home around 7 pm and I got my lame story. Typically Jose is waiting by the door for me. Not tonight. I start looking around the joint calling his name and he is nowhere to be found. Finally, Mr. Jose crawls out from under the bed and it looks as if he has been hiding from a sabertooth tiger or a super duty vacuum. His tail was bigger than his whole body and he was tip toeing around the place terrified. I tried to pick him up a couple of times and he was not having it. For the next couple of hours he was a complete train wreck. Every noise, every movement Jo was a jumping fraidy cat. I felt so bad for him. This morning he was looking at me like, "you're not really gonna leave me again." I wish I did not have to, but someones gotta make the money.
East Coast Earthquake 1 East Coast Gato 0
Sorry buddy.
Of course, everyone in the office pretty much comes to the conclusion the world is gonna end, because thats what they do. The next hour was full of exaggerations and chatter about evacuations. Seriously? What is wrong with people. Earthquakes happen like every minute. There was something close to like 90 earthquakes yesterday. I know it was most of our first experiences with a quake, however, I do not see the purpose of evacuating to outside the building right where shit can collapse on us. Probably not the best idea East Coasters. Regardless, I got out of work early, for god knows what, but I was not going to complain.
I figured the gym was probably the safest place to go. Or most awesome. I was hoping for an aftershock to catch someone fall off a treadmill or watch a weight fall on a juicehead. Something, come on, I needed a story.
Welp...I got home around 7 pm and I got my lame story. Typically Jose is waiting by the door for me. Not tonight. I start looking around the joint calling his name and he is nowhere to be found. Finally, Mr. Jose crawls out from under the bed and it looks as if he has been hiding from a sabertooth tiger or a super duty vacuum. His tail was bigger than his whole body and he was tip toeing around the place terrified. I tried to pick him up a couple of times and he was not having it. For the next couple of hours he was a complete train wreck. Every noise, every movement Jo was a jumping fraidy cat. I felt so bad for him. This morning he was looking at me like, "you're not really gonna leave me again." I wish I did not have to, but someones gotta make the money.
East Coast Earthquake 1 East Coast Gato 0
Sorry buddy.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Job Fair Scare
Today was just one of those days when I am reminded why exactly I chose to be in this profession. People ask me all the time how I do this job...isn’t it sad, don’t you get frustrated, don't you want to scream sometimes, etc etc. Typically, yes there are bad days, as with any profession, but for me when there is one good day out of god knows how many it makes it all worth it.
Anyways…for the reasoning. Yesterday I had a young client, I think 17 or 18 years old, come to the program for his regular scheduled time. During class, he was presented with the information to attend a job fair in Philadelphia for the next day (today). I could see the panic in his face. He came to me during his break and expressed that he did not want to go to the job fair. I simply asked him why and he stated he was just “not ready.” I talked to him for a while about this and encouraged him that he needed to sometimes step out of his comfort zone and take chances. He still was not having it. He was practically begging me not to make him go. I would not budge. I told him that even if he did not talk to anyone the whole job fair I still wanted him to go and just see what it was like. I think he might have wanted to kill me. I did not care. They usually do in the beginning.
Generally, people have a preconception of fathers who fail to pay their child support. Deadbeat Dads most would say. Yea, they are fully responsible for the lack of payments, and I am never ready to challenge any mother struggling to get this support, but I see a whole different side to these men. I see their story. I help figure out the reasons as to why these men may not work, their barriers, personal issues, past experiences, etc. I do not judge them upon first introduction. And most of all, I believe that some are ready to change.
If you haven’t taken a ride through Chester lately you will have absolutely no idea what these guys see on an everyday basis. For this particular client it is terrifying for him to see anything other than his neighborhood. The street is where he grew up and it is where he is most comfortable staying in. No one pushes him to see what’s out there, no one encourages him to get his GED, no one demands he abide by rules. He was brought up to believe that he will make the most money on the streets. It’s the only way to survive in these neighborhoods. If you deny the streets you become an outcast. This is all new to him. And I am sure most know how it feels to be put in new situations and for some how it feels to be an outcast. It is scary. Downright terrifying.
So anyway, we got this kid set up with some nice interview clothing. I am sick of looking at his butt hanging out of his pants. I correct him just about every 10 minutes. I have even offered to buy him a belt but I know he won’t wear it. He just tells me I am crazy. We gave him some more encouragement and sent him home for the day. Just from my experience, I expected that he was just not going to show up the next morning. Well, I was wrong.
At 7:30 am this kid came walking through my door looking like a guy straight outta GQ. No joke. He was still terrified, but at least he looked good. I wish I could post a picture of him but due to confidentiality I would pretty much lose my job. I was seriously almost in tears. I was so proud of him and he did not even walk out the door yet. He wanted to practice introducing himself to people and had this whole script he was going to read on his way there. My heart melted.
Upon his return I was introduced to a whole different kid, well, adult I might now be able to say. He was beaming from ear to ear. I asked how it went and he said great. Another client then came up to me and thanked me for pushing the young kid to go. He told me that he got right out there and was introducing himself to all different employers. Yea he has never worked a job in his whole life, but now at least, he was willing to try.
This may seem so simple and trivial to some, but for me it just means so much. It is a constant reminder that even the smallest things make the biggest difference. I am so proud to be a part of these men’s lives and I am happy to know that I can help them see that life outside the streets does exist. Thanks to this young man, today I will leave work happy and humble.
Anyways…for the reasoning. Yesterday I had a young client, I think 17 or 18 years old, come to the program for his regular scheduled time. During class, he was presented with the information to attend a job fair in Philadelphia for the next day (today). I could see the panic in his face. He came to me during his break and expressed that he did not want to go to the job fair. I simply asked him why and he stated he was just “not ready.” I talked to him for a while about this and encouraged him that he needed to sometimes step out of his comfort zone and take chances. He still was not having it. He was practically begging me not to make him go. I would not budge. I told him that even if he did not talk to anyone the whole job fair I still wanted him to go and just see what it was like. I think he might have wanted to kill me. I did not care. They usually do in the beginning.
Generally, people have a preconception of fathers who fail to pay their child support. Deadbeat Dads most would say. Yea, they are fully responsible for the lack of payments, and I am never ready to challenge any mother struggling to get this support, but I see a whole different side to these men. I see their story. I help figure out the reasons as to why these men may not work, their barriers, personal issues, past experiences, etc. I do not judge them upon first introduction. And most of all, I believe that some are ready to change.
If you haven’t taken a ride through Chester lately you will have absolutely no idea what these guys see on an everyday basis. For this particular client it is terrifying for him to see anything other than his neighborhood. The street is where he grew up and it is where he is most comfortable staying in. No one pushes him to see what’s out there, no one encourages him to get his GED, no one demands he abide by rules. He was brought up to believe that he will make the most money on the streets. It’s the only way to survive in these neighborhoods. If you deny the streets you become an outcast. This is all new to him. And I am sure most know how it feels to be put in new situations and for some how it feels to be an outcast. It is scary. Downright terrifying.
So anyway, we got this kid set up with some nice interview clothing. I am sick of looking at his butt hanging out of his pants. I correct him just about every 10 minutes. I have even offered to buy him a belt but I know he won’t wear it. He just tells me I am crazy. We gave him some more encouragement and sent him home for the day. Just from my experience, I expected that he was just not going to show up the next morning. Well, I was wrong.
At 7:30 am this kid came walking through my door looking like a guy straight outta GQ. No joke. He was still terrified, but at least he looked good. I wish I could post a picture of him but due to confidentiality I would pretty much lose my job. I was seriously almost in tears. I was so proud of him and he did not even walk out the door yet. He wanted to practice introducing himself to people and had this whole script he was going to read on his way there. My heart melted.
Upon his return I was introduced to a whole different kid, well, adult I might now be able to say. He was beaming from ear to ear. I asked how it went and he said great. Another client then came up to me and thanked me for pushing the young kid to go. He told me that he got right out there and was introducing himself to all different employers. Yea he has never worked a job in his whole life, but now at least, he was willing to try.
This may seem so simple and trivial to some, but for me it just means so much. It is a constant reminder that even the smallest things make the biggest difference. I am so proud to be a part of these men’s lives and I am happy to know that I can help them see that life outside the streets does exist. Thanks to this young man, today I will leave work happy and humble.
Awesomes #3
You're Not, It's Not, What's Not AwEsoMe
Taking the trash out in the rain
Work clothes
Hooking up with someone who looks like he's straight offa Meghans Law
Control freaks
My hair
20 year old warm bourbon
The 15th of the month
TD Bank $2 ATM fees
Being one quarter short to dry your clothes when they're already wet
You're, Is, What's Awesome
Kali and Nolan
Sabrina's Falafel
Talking Connor
Cooper living on 6th
Kira moving in (less than a month)
Retrospect
Anticipation of new ink
The most recent edition of the Oxford English including new words such as sexting
Kelly Garden
Boy Stink, dirty stank
Bearded dudes
Cafe Au Lait 2x shot of espresso
Taking the trash out in the rain
Work clothes
Hooking up with someone who looks like he's straight offa Meghans Law
Control freaks
My hair
20 year old warm bourbon
The 15th of the month
TD Bank $2 ATM fees
Being one quarter short to dry your clothes when they're already wet
You're, Is, What's Awesome
Kali and Nolan
Sabrina's Falafel
Talking Connor
Cooper living on 6th
Kira moving in (less than a month)
Retrospect
Anticipation of new ink
The most recent edition of the Oxford English including new words such as sexting
Kelly Garden
Boy Stink, dirty stank
Bearded dudes
Cafe Au Lait 2x shot of espresso
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Cutting Ties
So this past weekend I decided, I think, for the first time in my life to eliminate a close friend from my life. This shit is like real hard. How do you get to a point, after so many years, to decide they are not good to have in your life anymore? I don’t know if I have made the right decision, or if it will definitely stick, but I know right now, I cannot have this person around. Detrimental is really all I can say.
I just know that I cannot have people in my life that repeatedly try and make me feel all sorts of crappy. Being on my own again this past year has opened my eyes and I have come to know what I deserve, and definitely what I do not. I have been focusing on seeing other people’s happiness, not as a direct result of mine, but more so shared between a relationship. I will be the first to admit I am wrong, and the first to speak up when I am not.
Regardless, I know this is something that will eliminate stress from my life. I cannot even begin to think how to just cut someone that was such a huge part of my life out. I am straight bugging about it. But whatever.
Que Sera Sera.
I just know that I cannot have people in my life that repeatedly try and make me feel all sorts of crappy. Being on my own again this past year has opened my eyes and I have come to know what I deserve, and definitely what I do not. I have been focusing on seeing other people’s happiness, not as a direct result of mine, but more so shared between a relationship. I will be the first to admit I am wrong, and the first to speak up when I am not.
Regardless, I know this is something that will eliminate stress from my life. I cannot even begin to think how to just cut someone that was such a huge part of my life out. I am straight bugging about it. But whatever.
Que Sera Sera.
Pt. 3 Maine and No Rain, Hartford, and Home
Woke up on Monday morning and the weather still did not look promising. They were calling for more rain but fortunately it ended up being just overcast in the morning. We decided, regardless we were going to hike, because that’s pretty much why we traveled to Maine. So we set out on the Ocean Drive Route which took us all the way from Sand Beach to Otter Cliff. The hike was pretty moderate overlooking the coast from the cliffs. We stopped along the way to have some brunch up on top of a cliff overlooking the Atlantic. It was simply breathtaking. I am so thankful to have shared this day with Jackie and Allison.
After our hike, we decided to eat, shocker I know. I knew that I had to get a lobster roll because Berk told me I had to. I was not too impressed. I probably would have been if the Madara’s did not serve me the most perfect lobster ever prepared in the history of preparation. Anyways, lobster rolls are what Bar Harbor is known for, and I ate one, in a restaurant where Obama ate one, so I made history. Yea okay.
After eating we did a little shopping in the town which was fun. It was such a little quaint neighborhood with all family run businesses, which I totally appreciate. It’s nice to see a town not overly populated by Wal-Mart’s and Acme’s. And I bought some jam, which is awesome.
We decided that for our last night we would do camping right. We loaded up on some firewood (wet still of course), salmon, asparagus, and couscous. Headed back to camp to get our fire started. Of course, the campground Pops was right there to insult us and help Al get the oxygen up in there. What the eff? I just sat back and watched. I did take part in axing, just because it made me feel all outdoorsy. Which obviously I am not.
Our dinner was fantastic. By far the best salmon I have ever eaten in my life. And really I am not joking. I cannot say anymore.
Jac and Al were the experts on smores. They knew how to cook those mallows right. Too bad I think they are disgusto. We had Johnny Blackwoods over for some beers and smokes. He was impressed by our awesomeness. And he brought an iPod dock which was by far much more enjoyable than the dead hipster r-dio.
I talked the girls into waking up at 4:45 am to go see the sunrise on Cadillac Mountain. Cadillac Mountain is the first place the sunrises in the United States each morning. Its elevation is somewhere above 1500 feet. I am more than happy that we did this. Even though it was way too early for any of us, it was by far the most enjoyable part of my trip. Too effin bad I didn’t have my camera.
We decided to take off right after watching the sunrise, and since I was the one who suggested getting up so damn early, I was nominated for the drive. I did not mind, as long as I had coffee.
Hartford was our next destination to stop for a quick lunch. I have nothing to say about it. It was just about as cool as Harrisburg.
Back in the car for the final ride home, and guess what? It started raining. Shit was following us. Regardless, we made it home safe. It was awesome lugging all my shit in my apartment in a complete downpour.
Then came Jose, blood, and tons of glass. Seriously, I do not know what his obsession with breaking glass is, it is pretty annoying, but I am glad he is okay.
Overall, roadtrip Philly to Maine, Maine to Philly was rad. Yep.
On to the next.
Love you girls.
After our hike, we decided to eat, shocker I know. I knew that I had to get a lobster roll because Berk told me I had to. I was not too impressed. I probably would have been if the Madara’s did not serve me the most perfect lobster ever prepared in the history of preparation. Anyways, lobster rolls are what Bar Harbor is known for, and I ate one, in a restaurant where Obama ate one, so I made history. Yea okay.
After eating we did a little shopping in the town which was fun. It was such a little quaint neighborhood with all family run businesses, which I totally appreciate. It’s nice to see a town not overly populated by Wal-Mart’s and Acme’s. And I bought some jam, which is awesome.
We decided that for our last night we would do camping right. We loaded up on some firewood (wet still of course), salmon, asparagus, and couscous. Headed back to camp to get our fire started. Of course, the campground Pops was right there to insult us and help Al get the oxygen up in there. What the eff? I just sat back and watched. I did take part in axing, just because it made me feel all outdoorsy. Which obviously I am not.
Our dinner was fantastic. By far the best salmon I have ever eaten in my life. And really I am not joking. I cannot say anymore.
Jac and Al were the experts on smores. They knew how to cook those mallows right. Too bad I think they are disgusto. We had Johnny Blackwoods over for some beers and smokes. He was impressed by our awesomeness. And he brought an iPod dock which was by far much more enjoyable than the dead hipster r-dio.
I talked the girls into waking up at 4:45 am to go see the sunrise on Cadillac Mountain. Cadillac Mountain is the first place the sunrises in the United States each morning. Its elevation is somewhere above 1500 feet. I am more than happy that we did this. Even though it was way too early for any of us, it was by far the most enjoyable part of my trip. Too effin bad I didn’t have my camera.
We decided to take off right after watching the sunrise, and since I was the one who suggested getting up so damn early, I was nominated for the drive. I did not mind, as long as I had coffee.
Hartford was our next destination to stop for a quick lunch. I have nothing to say about it. It was just about as cool as Harrisburg.
Back in the car for the final ride home, and guess what? It started raining. Shit was following us. Regardless, we made it home safe. It was awesome lugging all my shit in my apartment in a complete downpour.
Then came Jose, blood, and tons of glass. Seriously, I do not know what his obsession with breaking glass is, it is pretty annoying, but I am glad he is okay.
Overall, roadtrip Philly to Maine, Maine to Philly was rad. Yep.
On to the next.
Love you girls.
Friday, August 12, 2011
The Latest Trish
I received my thank you card from Trish and Marc this morning. I had to laugh. T has this misconception that I hated her in college. I was a dirty hippie. I don't think I hated anyone. Well...besides Bertie Landes. Cause she sucked. T would agree.
Anyways, for the record Trish, I liked you in college. And now I love you.
So thank you for my thank you. It made my day.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Pt. 2 Maine and Rain
Part 2: Arrival in Bar Harbor, Bar Harbor Nightlife, Rain, Blackwoods Campground, Rain, and Rain.
Finally arrived in Bar Harbor, maybe a tad bit late to the Madara’s for our lobster dinner. Mr. and Mrs. Madara absolutely fascinated me from the start. They are just amazing. Their house is sick. I was in complete awe the whole time, walking around taking pics of things on their walls. The place was decorated with all the odds and ends you could ever imagine. It was just perfect. And this was all before I even walked outside. Mrs. Madara insisted we get outside so we could catch some of the horizon before the fog rolled in completely. It reminded me of San Francisco with the fog, but it was absolutely beautiful. At one point, Mrs. Madara actually blew into the air for us, trying so sweetly to push the fog back out to where it comes from. I love this woman.
We got to take a walk on her private beach to do some shell/sea glass searching, which is by far, one of my favorite things to do. I collect shells from everywhere I go, so I am glad I got to spend some time right away doing this.
Then it was dinner time. I don’t even know if I can describe this in words. Mrs. Madara put this monster of a lobster in front of me and I just looked at her. What the hell do I do with this thing? I don’t typically like lobster, but this was way different then the lobster we see. Mr. Madara gave me a quick lobster eating lesson and I was on my way. I was full in like two minutes because the fish was so incredibly rich. It was amazing. I tried to finish, but had to give up. I felt like I was on Man vs. Food or something. Mrs. Madara was just like, “oh just toss the remaining lobster into the trash” like it was nothing. My pops taught me to eat it all, or take it home. Can I get a doggie bag for this shit? No really, it was really hard for me to throw this fine piece of ass away. She insisted, so I did, thinking about how much that shit really cost.
Oh time for desert. I just couldn’t do it. How could it fit? We sat in the living room for a while and I just picked the Madara’s brains. “How can I get this life?” I continued to ask over and over. They just laughed at me politely and told me to just believe it would happen. I think I can, I believe, I believe, I think I can. Which is it? I wanna be on the fast track to this kind of tranquility. After leaving the Madara’s I was satisfied. I felt like I saw everything in Maine I ever needed to see. I would have been fine with driving back to Philly at this point. I was complete. I hope to spend some more time with the Madara’s in the future, because they are simply divine.
It was time for us to test out Bar Harbor’s night life. We soon found out, this pretty much is non-existent. Jevin, our hotel lobby dude, gave us some suggestions for places to go. I believe the list included, Anthony’s Sports Bar where we could find assholes, Something Something (I don’t remember) Pub where we can find old dudes, and Rupununi’s were we could find those with “alternative” lifestyles. “Alternative” lifestyles? I was in. What the hell did this mean? We asked Jevin what he was talking about and he tried to dodge our question. We asked him if he meant “alternative” as in gay, and he bashfully agreed we could say this. What the shit? Regardless, this is where we decided was our destination, because gay people are way cooler than most, and they like to dance.
We took a cab ride that cost us a flat $5 cause that’s how they do. We asked our cabbie for some more suggestions and she gave us her input. She seemed a little loopy. We asked her if she was drunk, and she laughed, and said, “oh no…I am pregnant.” How about, “Oh no, I am driving your asses to the bar.” That was not even considered. She was very kind and promised to pick us back up as soon as the bars closed. I liked her.
Unfortunately, we did not end up at Rupununi’s. We spotted an outside bar that looked crowded on our way and decided we would stop there first. Shit was something out of the twilight zone. A lady was humping a tree as we walked in to the left, the rest of the bar was made up of guys wearing American Eagle polos. We never left. It was hilarious. Got super super blacked out in like five minutes after taking like six double shots of Svedka. Jacs was on a mission. We played the ring game all night. I questioned where I can find one of these in Philly because I would be there every night if I could. We met a couple of really cool brothers who were camping in the same campground and we planned to hit them up the next day.
Went back to the hotel and trashed the place in less than 15 minutes. I have pretty much no recollection of this time period. I know it included a mess of cheez-its and pringles. I am not really sure if we ate any considering the whole box was found on the floor all smashed up. Needless to say it looked like a storm blew through our hotel room when we woke up. Ridiculous. We had to get on the road though very quickly and hope to score a campsite.
And then came rain. And more rain. And then some more. And then rain. Rain, Rain, Rain.
We pulled up to Blackwoods Campground to have our first interaction with Sup the NOT SO Super Trooper. What an asshole. He told us in his well-maintained monotone voice that we had to return at 12 pm to see if there were any sites. So we left for a bit, and ate of course, and returned around 11:30. Sat in the rain for awhile, then decided to maybe try and check in at like 11:58 am. Sup was not having this. He was pissed. “Oh you again…I told you 12 pm. Pull over and wait.” Dude tapped on his watch like 15 times to show us we were 2 min and 32 seconds early. What a dick. Clearly this is way too serious.
So at 11:59:34 Sup waved us in. I was tempted to tell him that it was not exactly 12pm but I figured it was best to score a site rather than to make a point. Sup says again, “Oh you again, fill out the paperwork.” Alright, douche we got it. Needless to say, we were in. Campsite 143. Word.
Now…I need to say this. I hate camping. I don’t even know how Allison got me to agree to camp, but she did. The only way I would have enjoyed set up is if I had nothing to do with it at all. It would be even better if there was a team consisting of Heath Ledger, James Dean, Javier Bardem, and Fabio Cannavaro putting together our camp. There was not. However, there was rain. Oh did, I mention rain, yeah cause that was there. I was miserable. I did as little as possible without crying. My back was of course killing me again and I just could not wait to jump in that wet tent. All miserableness aside, we did it, well Jac and Allison really get the cred, but it was done. Pops tarp was a hit. It definitely saved our tent from flooding.
We decided that we were gonna try and ignore the rain and go get some chowdah, because eating was the only thing remarkably fun to do in the rain. The chowdah was out of this world. But I will still in pain, and I could barely stand, so I was still annoyed. About an hour later the 15 Advil kicked in and I was ready to try and stay happy in the rain. We took the free bus, yes free and environmentally friendly, through the park loop to check out some spots in Acadia. But it was still raining. And raining. So it was only so much fun.
After the park loop we decided to get some sandwich stuff to make dinner at camp. Got back to camp and guess what? It was still raining. Awesome. There was like a break of like 5 min when it started to slightly rain so it was then we decided to try and attempt making fire. Robert the campground guru came on over to try and help us. Little did we know that he was the dad of the brothers we met the night before. He was pretty cool, he liked insulting our intelligence, but hey I was down with it, cause I basically suck at outdoors all together.
Anyways, our fire lasted like 30 min and we were definitely just sitting in the rain. Tent time…ate some sammies, chatted about life, read some books, and used all the batteries we had in just about everything that needed them. Pops hipster r-dio was the shit. Too bad I turned it on AM all night instead of off and ruined that set up for us. And then…it rained. Like serious rain, no joke, all night.
Philly to Maine. Pt. 1
Pt. 1 Philly to Cambridge, Cambridge to Portland
Allison, Jackie, and myself left Friday after work to embark on our road trip to Maine and back. Beginning leg was interesting. First stop was somewhere just short of Staten Island at a rest stop so we could fill up on caffeine and fattening rest stop food. Being a pescatarian does not leave many options so I resorted to my normal Sabre snack pack. This brings me to my first topic: old heads. Now some time ago my grandmama informed me that since she has reached old age, to her...anything over 70 years, she is now granted the permission to say whatever the hell she feels like saying. This is crazy. I guess I can see where she is coming from, but not really. Back on topic, this old dude I came in contact with at the rest stop took this to a whole other level. So…I am standing in, a very long and annoying line, to buy my $7 snack pack, and finally I reach the counter after like 20 minutes. Here comes old dude, walked right up in front of me and put his stuff on the counter. Mind you, there is like 15 people behind me. The lady at the register looks at him as he pulls out his money for his nutty buddy and says, “Sir there is a line.” His response, “I don’t care.” I was shocked. Typically I am sensitive to oldies but this dude was just rude. I said to him, “Sir, there is a line, we have all been waiting.” He turned to me and said, “I don’t care, do you have a problem?” I returned by informing him that yes I had a problem and that he didn’t take notice of the long line. He said, “what line, I don’t see a line, nor do I care about a line.” Again, shocked. He turned and walked away. I was so tempted to chase his old ass down and shove his nutty buddy down his throat, but I am young, and I guess I don’t have the right. So whatevs. I’m going to have to talk to my grandmama about this shit.
Next up…right before we pulled up to the rest stop I noticed that I had forgotten my effin camera. Great, just great. The whole reason I wanted to go to Maine was to photograph. I just got some new lenses and was so excited to test them out. I can’t even describe to you the feeling. I felt like I had lost my best friend. If I was driving, I would have 100% absolutely turned around and drove the two hours back home to start the trip over right. But I wasn’t, so I had to figure something out. I had my sister immediately go to my apartment to pick up my camera so it could be overnighted to Maine. Too bad mail is not delivered on Sunday. Fuck. For the next four hours I talked myself into just sucking it up and buying a whole new camera. I am completely broke, but this is how important it was to me. I was okay with not eating for the next couple of months. I looked up places to buy and found there was only a Walmart almost an hour away from Bar Harbor. I figured we could stop. Due to some serious traffic delays and arriving much later to Bar Harbor than expected, this did not happen. It is what it is. I have my eyes, and figured I needed to just accept it. Honestly, I am still not over it. I still want to cry.
Anyways, we arrived in Cambridge to Ali’s house just short of 1 am. We had planned to go out and party but I don’t think any of us were really up for it. We decided to just sit in and chat all over some dyno brownies Ali made. Take note now…all we did on this trip is eat, eat, and eat again. Ali had a nice bunk bed set up for me and Al. Slept on the top bunk just so I could feel like a kid again. I still am terrified to climb the bunk bed steps. Seriously, I am almost 29.
Went to breakfast at Johnny D’s in Cambridge and was pleasantly surprised with a jazzy brunch. It was awesome. ‘Berly has had me hooked on jazz since the good ol’ college park days so this just made my morning. And dude was playing the xylophone. Awesome. It was unfortunate we had to skip right outta town after, I would have loved some more time with Ali and the Boston area. We were on a schedule, and like always, were already way late on time.
Spent the next couple of hours in a shit ton of traffic from Boston all the way through New Hampshire. Who the hell knew there were so many beach spots in this area? What should have took us about a little over an hour turned into about three and a half hours. Regardless, I spent some time thinking. At one point I wrote this down, because it was exactly how I felt at the time. “I love the times when you just remember who you are. What you are worth. Those are the best moments. Moments that really matter.” It’s awesome to feel this, even if it is for a millisecond. It usually gets lost, but it always comes back, sometimes in the most unexpected times.
We finally arrived in Portland, ME. There wasn’t too much to see in Portland besides the harbor and a buncha boats. Not too exciting. We stopped in at The Dry Dock for lunch. Got myself a little Crabby Diane which was pretty lame. The gelato afterwards however was amaze, it brought me right back to my memories of Italy. Back in the car…final stop of first leg, Bar Harbor ME.
Allison, Jackie, and myself left Friday after work to embark on our road trip to Maine and back. Beginning leg was interesting. First stop was somewhere just short of Staten Island at a rest stop so we could fill up on caffeine and fattening rest stop food. Being a pescatarian does not leave many options so I resorted to my normal Sabre snack pack. This brings me to my first topic: old heads. Now some time ago my grandmama informed me that since she has reached old age, to her...anything over 70 years, she is now granted the permission to say whatever the hell she feels like saying. This is crazy. I guess I can see where she is coming from, but not really. Back on topic, this old dude I came in contact with at the rest stop took this to a whole other level. So…I am standing in, a very long and annoying line, to buy my $7 snack pack, and finally I reach the counter after like 20 minutes. Here comes old dude, walked right up in front of me and put his stuff on the counter. Mind you, there is like 15 people behind me. The lady at the register looks at him as he pulls out his money for his nutty buddy and says, “Sir there is a line.” His response, “I don’t care.” I was shocked. Typically I am sensitive to oldies but this dude was just rude. I said to him, “Sir, there is a line, we have all been waiting.” He turned to me and said, “I don’t care, do you have a problem?” I returned by informing him that yes I had a problem and that he didn’t take notice of the long line. He said, “what line, I don’t see a line, nor do I care about a line.” Again, shocked. He turned and walked away. I was so tempted to chase his old ass down and shove his nutty buddy down his throat, but I am young, and I guess I don’t have the right. So whatevs. I’m going to have to talk to my grandmama about this shit.
Next up…right before we pulled up to the rest stop I noticed that I had forgotten my effin camera. Great, just great. The whole reason I wanted to go to Maine was to photograph. I just got some new lenses and was so excited to test them out. I can’t even describe to you the feeling. I felt like I had lost my best friend. If I was driving, I would have 100% absolutely turned around and drove the two hours back home to start the trip over right. But I wasn’t, so I had to figure something out. I had my sister immediately go to my apartment to pick up my camera so it could be overnighted to Maine. Too bad mail is not delivered on Sunday. Fuck. For the next four hours I talked myself into just sucking it up and buying a whole new camera. I am completely broke, but this is how important it was to me. I was okay with not eating for the next couple of months. I looked up places to buy and found there was only a Walmart almost an hour away from Bar Harbor. I figured we could stop. Due to some serious traffic delays and arriving much later to Bar Harbor than expected, this did not happen. It is what it is. I have my eyes, and figured I needed to just accept it. Honestly, I am still not over it. I still want to cry.
Anyways, we arrived in Cambridge to Ali’s house just short of 1 am. We had planned to go out and party but I don’t think any of us were really up for it. We decided to just sit in and chat all over some dyno brownies Ali made. Take note now…all we did on this trip is eat, eat, and eat again. Ali had a nice bunk bed set up for me and Al. Slept on the top bunk just so I could feel like a kid again. I still am terrified to climb the bunk bed steps. Seriously, I am almost 29.
Went to breakfast at Johnny D’s in Cambridge and was pleasantly surprised with a jazzy brunch. It was awesome. ‘Berly has had me hooked on jazz since the good ol’ college park days so this just made my morning. And dude was playing the xylophone. Awesome. It was unfortunate we had to skip right outta town after, I would have loved some more time with Ali and the Boston area. We were on a schedule, and like always, were already way late on time.
Spent the next couple of hours in a shit ton of traffic from Boston all the way through New Hampshire. Who the hell knew there were so many beach spots in this area? What should have took us about a little over an hour turned into about three and a half hours. Regardless, I spent some time thinking. At one point I wrote this down, because it was exactly how I felt at the time. “I love the times when you just remember who you are. What you are worth. Those are the best moments. Moments that really matter.” It’s awesome to feel this, even if it is for a millisecond. It usually gets lost, but it always comes back, sometimes in the most unexpected times.
We finally arrived in Portland, ME. There wasn’t too much to see in Portland besides the harbor and a buncha boats. Not too exciting. We stopped in at The Dry Dock for lunch. Got myself a little Crabby Diane which was pretty lame. The gelato afterwards however was amaze, it brought me right back to my memories of Italy. Back in the car…final stop of first leg, Bar Harbor ME.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Awesomes #2
You're Not, It's Not, What's Not AwEsoMe
The rain between spitting and regular rain, where your windshield wipers can't find the right speed
People who send mass messages and those who hit reply all
Hartford Conneticut
Setting up camp in the rain
Quenepas
Coming home to a bloody cat
First dates
Protests outside your office
Fake coke
Forgetting your camera
Sup the Super Trooper
Losing your Iphone charger
You're, Is, What's AwEsomE
Lobster from Maine ((Only))
The Madaras
Divine
Popovers and Jam
Trashing a hotel in less than 8 hrs of stay
Jevin
Rupanunis
Realizing people suck just as bad as they think you suck
Collecting seashells/glass
$1 American Flag Bandanas
Brown tootsie pops
Pops Hipster R-Dio
Bela Fleck
The rain between spitting and regular rain, where your windshield wipers can't find the right speed
People who send mass messages and those who hit reply all
Hartford Conneticut
Setting up camp in the rain
Quenepas
Coming home to a bloody cat
First dates
Protests outside your office
Fake coke
Forgetting your camera
Sup the Super Trooper
Losing your Iphone charger
You're, Is, What's AwEsomE
Lobster from Maine ((Only))
The Madaras
Divine
Popovers and Jam
Trashing a hotel in less than 8 hrs of stay
Jevin
Rupanunis
Realizing people suck just as bad as they think you suck
Collecting seashells/glass
$1 American Flag Bandanas
Brown tootsie pops
Pops Hipster R-Dio
Bela Fleck
Friday, August 5, 2011
Big Ol Ben
For so long I have been fascinated with the Ben Franklin Bridge. It is massive. I have always wanted to walk across it, I just never found the opportunity to do so. Until recently.
I had been in a serious funk for like weeks. Not for any particular reason, just because sometimes thats what happens. I knew, however, I needed to shake it. So...oddly when I am down I tend to gravitate towards doing things I am absolutely terrified by. Well, heights is one of them. I figured what better time to walk across the bridge, enjoy some fear and take finally get out to shoot after a serious lack of.
Amazing. That's all. Cured me right up.
Here's some photos from the walk...
I had been in a serious funk for like weeks. Not for any particular reason, just because sometimes thats what happens. I knew, however, I needed to shake it. So...oddly when I am down I tend to gravitate towards doing things I am absolutely terrified by. Well, heights is one of them. I figured what better time to walk across the bridge, enjoy some fear and take finally get out to shoot after a serious lack of.
Amazing. That's all. Cured me right up.
Here's some photos from the walk...
Thursday, August 4, 2011
HBD Cher
So today is Cheri's birthday and just like every year it is a reminder of how much I miss her. I can honestly say there is not one day that goes by that I do not think of her, wishing she was still here. It was just not fair that she was taken so early in life with so much ahead of her. But life goes, eh.
I am thankful however for the relationships that I have built from this tragedy. Remembering Cheri brings us all together. It reminds us of how important we are all to each other. People ask all the time how it is that I still have all my close friends from high school. Cheri is why.
Experiencing the death of anyone let alone someone you are so close with (at the age of 15-16) is devastating. It is my friends that got me through this. Without them, without their love, I would not be here. Promise you that.
So today I not only want to say happy birthday to Cheri, but I want to say thank you to my friends, the ones that know me the most, for helping me become the person I am today. Without each other life would not be the same.
Loves you all.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Awesomes #1
So I've decided that since this is my blog and all I am allowed say whatever the hell I want, each week (with attempt) I'm gonna list my NOT awesomes and awesomes. Reason being, there is so much I want to rant and rave about but just don't have the time to write full blogs. If I offend... well...get over it.
Here goes...
You're Not, It's Not, What's Not AwEsoMe
~Franklin Fountain's Strawberry Sorbet
~You write on facebook about watching shark week more than you actually watch shark week.
~Gay Pizza's Plain Pie
~You manipulate someone to believe they did something wrong when really your insecurities are the problem
~Weird pointy finger nails
~Philadelphia Trash Cans, the ones that look like disgusto mailboxes
~You try and mimic someones outfit and fail miserably
~Balls Vodka
~My hair
~Throwing up outside your car (from drinking) and then getting in to drive
~Drinking natty ices in the bathroom when really you should be finding a job
~Medical Bills over $600
You're, Is, What's AwEsoMe
~You stay at my apartment and leave things I can totally use
~Ristorante Panorama
~Jose
~Bandanas
~You text back in less than two hours
~Rain that makes it all chilly and cool out
~Point Break
~tUne-yards
~Philly SlutWalk, which I'll miss :(
~Pierre Luc Gagnon
~Hugs over handshakes
~The 47
~Seeing a friend who lives more than 1500 miles away
Here goes...
You're Not, It's Not, What's Not AwEsoMe
~Franklin Fountain's Strawberry Sorbet
~You write on facebook about watching shark week more than you actually watch shark week.
~Gay Pizza's Plain Pie
~You manipulate someone to believe they did something wrong when really your insecurities are the problem
~Weird pointy finger nails
~Philadelphia Trash Cans, the ones that look like disgusto mailboxes
~You try and mimic someones outfit and fail miserably
~Balls Vodka
~My hair
~Throwing up outside your car (from drinking) and then getting in to drive
~Drinking natty ices in the bathroom when really you should be finding a job
~Medical Bills over $600
You're, Is, What's AwEsoMe
~You stay at my apartment and leave things I can totally use
~Ristorante Panorama
~Jose
~Bandanas
~You text back in less than two hours
~Rain that makes it all chilly and cool out
~Point Break
~tUne-yards
~Philly SlutWalk, which I'll miss :(
~Pierre Luc Gagnon
~Hugs over handshakes
~The 47
~Seeing a friend who lives more than 1500 miles away
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
AMES
Ughhhh...I miss little Miss Amy trememdously. I've been thinking about her a lot lately, and as terrible as I am, I haven't even picked up the phone to call her. I mean the first couple months after her move back to Colorado kind of seemed like she was on vacation. Which was fine. But now its not fine, cause I miss her.
I met Amy throught Jacs, I think first show being Toro Y Moi. After that we just clicked. We noticed that we always walked ahead of the crowd, mostly because we both have a close friend/sister living in Greenpoint. If you ever have been to Greenpoint, you know what it is like to walk fast. Even in heels. Anyways, this was our time to bond and catch up on chatter.
I've found myself lately looking around for Amy. Waiting for her fast little feet to join me. I start to talk to her at times, and find that I am talking to myself. Its hard as shit to meet new girlfriends, and when you finally find one, its miserable to have to say good-bye.
Everytime I hear these lyrics though, I'll think of Amy and laugh...
Skeletons
I guess I've been bruised, if we were to speak plain.
Every bruise that comes to flesh, makes it mark on the brain.
You say it's always been and always will be.
Anything you say has already been said, a million times.
Do you think of all of the side streets we walked past slow,
of buried skeletons buried in the back yard?
So you think you've moved me to change,
how could I be moved when I want to move away from this place?
Things you think you know or you may have seen,
might have come to pass if your parents had been kept clean.
Do you think of all of the side streets we've walked past slow,
of buried skeletons buried in the back yard
..Miss you girl...more and more everyday..
I met Amy throught Jacs, I think first show being Toro Y Moi. After that we just clicked. We noticed that we always walked ahead of the crowd, mostly because we both have a close friend/sister living in Greenpoint. If you ever have been to Greenpoint, you know what it is like to walk fast. Even in heels. Anyways, this was our time to bond and catch up on chatter.
I've found myself lately looking around for Amy. Waiting for her fast little feet to join me. I start to talk to her at times, and find that I am talking to myself. Its hard as shit to meet new girlfriends, and when you finally find one, its miserable to have to say good-bye.
Everytime I hear these lyrics though, I'll think of Amy and laugh...
Skeletons
I guess I've been bruised, if we were to speak plain.
Every bruise that comes to flesh, makes it mark on the brain.
You say it's always been and always will be.
Anything you say has already been said, a million times.
Do you think of all of the side streets we walked past slow,
of buried skeletons buried in the back yard?
So you think you've moved me to change,
how could I be moved when I want to move away from this place?
Things you think you know or you may have seen,
might have come to pass if your parents had been kept clean.
Do you think of all of the side streets we've walked past slow,
of buried skeletons buried in the back yard
..Miss you girl...more and more everyday..
Anew
Okay so typically I wouldn’t write about something that may seem so personal to me however, I am NOT really ashamed of this bit because I have finally, after some time, taken from it. It’s pretty fucking bittersweet I would say.
So anyways, I was seeing this dude a while back, I can’t really call it dating, because labels were absolutely forbidden. I’ll call it Laura becomes emotionally invested while dude becomes, well…he would say annoyed; I would say nothing short of what he was before we met. There was never any room for love, so I knew from the very beginning this most likely would get interesting. Don’t get me wrong, it was tons and tons of fun, and I am more than thankful for these months in my life. I don’t regret much, I just want to write about something new I felt. Something I am appreciative to have, and will continue, to embrace.
I think, like I said, because it was pretty much evident from the beginning, there was never any room for love; I somehow learned how to appreciate someone in a different way. It’s weird, and I might have a difficult time explaining, but I will try. I noticed sometime into “seeing” him that I truly cared about someone, differently than I ever had before. Usually, I will be honest, I am somewhat of a selfish person. I’m a brat, what can I say. It’s something I am aware about myself, and absolutely hate. However, for like the first time ((other than towards my close friends)) I started to actually respect and wish for someone’s happiness more than I cared what I was getting out of it. I liked feeling this way. It made me happy to feel excited for someone else’s happiness.
I guess maybe I was growing, learning from my past mistakes, but it felt pretty good. In past relationships, I always cared for the other person, but I was also pretty concerned with where it was going, what I was gonna get out of it, and ultimately how it would benefit me in the future. These relationships consisted of a lot of, “this is not fair,” “why is he doing this to me”, “why can’t he give me this,” blah blah blah, tears tears tears. I was not feeling this here and it was super fucking strange.
It was more like, I hope you are happy, I hope you do this, I will wait for you to feel, I won’t be jealous, etc, etc. Now I would probably bet that he would say this was not the case, but I am explaining what I actually felt, so fuck what anyone else’s perspective is of my feelings. Again…a first. So as I began to embrace these feelings, I started to apply it towards my other relationships, my friends, my family, my co-workers. Sometimes I get lost, and lose it, but I ultimately I know the ability is there.
I learned that if you try and be happy for someone at all times, rather than feelings of jealously or resentment in any way, there is not much room to be let down. Yea there were times, I wished things were allowed to be different between us, but it was a battle I could not fight, I would never win. So…I set out to care for someone differently and I move forward now with a higher sense of self than I have ever felt. I probably did not always show this to him in the best way, but it was new to me. And I am totally fucking far from perfect.
This “non-relationship” has moved in a direction I did not necessarily hope for, but hey, what can I do? Say? Absolutely nothing, well, besides this. It’s crazy to learn new emotions, different ways to feel. Sometimes it is seriously terrifying. I just think that without emotion, without feelings, there is not much hope for anything. I am happy that I have grown. I am sad some people cannot see true intentions. But at the end of the day, it is those that return this feeling, who will leave a forever impression on your soul. Those that do not may have a different path, and well, if they are happy, then so am I.
So anyways, I was seeing this dude a while back, I can’t really call it dating, because labels were absolutely forbidden. I’ll call it Laura becomes emotionally invested while dude becomes, well…he would say annoyed; I would say nothing short of what he was before we met. There was never any room for love, so I knew from the very beginning this most likely would get interesting. Don’t get me wrong, it was tons and tons of fun, and I am more than thankful for these months in my life. I don’t regret much, I just want to write about something new I felt. Something I am appreciative to have, and will continue, to embrace.
I think, like I said, because it was pretty much evident from the beginning, there was never any room for love; I somehow learned how to appreciate someone in a different way. It’s weird, and I might have a difficult time explaining, but I will try. I noticed sometime into “seeing” him that I truly cared about someone, differently than I ever had before. Usually, I will be honest, I am somewhat of a selfish person. I’m a brat, what can I say. It’s something I am aware about myself, and absolutely hate. However, for like the first time ((other than towards my close friends)) I started to actually respect and wish for someone’s happiness more than I cared what I was getting out of it. I liked feeling this way. It made me happy to feel excited for someone else’s happiness.
I guess maybe I was growing, learning from my past mistakes, but it felt pretty good. In past relationships, I always cared for the other person, but I was also pretty concerned with where it was going, what I was gonna get out of it, and ultimately how it would benefit me in the future. These relationships consisted of a lot of, “this is not fair,” “why is he doing this to me”, “why can’t he give me this,” blah blah blah, tears tears tears. I was not feeling this here and it was super fucking strange.
It was more like, I hope you are happy, I hope you do this, I will wait for you to feel, I won’t be jealous, etc, etc. Now I would probably bet that he would say this was not the case, but I am explaining what I actually felt, so fuck what anyone else’s perspective is of my feelings. Again…a first. So as I began to embrace these feelings, I started to apply it towards my other relationships, my friends, my family, my co-workers. Sometimes I get lost, and lose it, but I ultimately I know the ability is there.
I learned that if you try and be happy for someone at all times, rather than feelings of jealously or resentment in any way, there is not much room to be let down. Yea there were times, I wished things were allowed to be different between us, but it was a battle I could not fight, I would never win. So…I set out to care for someone differently and I move forward now with a higher sense of self than I have ever felt. I probably did not always show this to him in the best way, but it was new to me. And I am totally fucking far from perfect.
This “non-relationship” has moved in a direction I did not necessarily hope for, but hey, what can I do? Say? Absolutely nothing, well, besides this. It’s crazy to learn new emotions, different ways to feel. Sometimes it is seriously terrifying. I just think that without emotion, without feelings, there is not much hope for anything. I am happy that I have grown. I am sad some people cannot see true intentions. But at the end of the day, it is those that return this feeling, who will leave a forever impression on your soul. Those that do not may have a different path, and well, if they are happy, then so am I.
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