Art of Wellness

So thanks to Fran, I was able to go to my first appointment at the Art of Wellness yesterday.  Fran bought me a gift card for my birthday because 1. she really enjoyed her own appointment, and 2. because my body has been extremely out of WACK lately. 

For those of you that know me well, and I guess those that don't, I have been experiencing a tremendous amount of anxiety in the past four-five months.  I've tried to blame it on just about anything and everything, and have spent countless hours trying to figure out my triggers.  The craziest thing is that I should be the happiest I have ever been in my life, but for some reason at times I feel exactly everything but that.  It is a constant battle for me. 

Since I have been a child I have always been a worrier.   And in turn, have always felt sick.  I go through rough periods of these feelings, which are far worse than others, but ultimately I never exactly feel okay.  I go through mixtures of remedies and techniques to battle this anxiety but somehow it always finds it way back to me.  Happy or sad, somehow it always creeps back in.  I treat my anxiety like a really super annoying friend.  Someone who shows up just a the most inappropriate moment begging for attention.  And who just will not go away. 

I listen to friends, family, co-workers, doctors, gurus, strangers, anyone who will give me advice to fight this craphole of a friend.  Sometimes suggestions work, sometimes they don't, but somehow, like I said it all comes back to me at some point.  There's periods where I feel like giving up on learning to live with this shit, and other times where I am determined to find the best ways to fight back hard against it. 

Recurring Cycle.

But anyway, back to the point.  I went to this Allergy Testing appointment.  I really did not know exactly what to expect nor if I really believed this testing would even feel accurate or justifiable to me.  I mean really, how can a metal stick and energy waves tell you what your body can and can't handle.  And how in the world was that going to help my anxiety?  I barely eat anything that is not good for my body.  If I cut anything else out you could basically categorize me as a bunny (which I am fine with).  And again, what the hell does this have to do with my aches, and pains, and most importantly my mental status? 

Welllll...let me tell you this test was fantastic.  And I left with soooo much insight and so much hope for a life without this annoying friend.  I learned that I in fact am not crazy, and surprisingly my brain is functioning rather well.  Rather, I have one of those "chemical imbalances" they talk about.  Talk chemicals or science for that matter to me and I check right the fuck out.  Not listening, don't understand.  Just tell me what I can do to fix it.  And don't shove Zoloft and Xanax down my throat, even though, they sometimes may be rather enjoyable.  But not for me ultimately. 

So let's do this the homeopathic way...I am in.  I understand NOW that my body is not producing enough serotonin, and without this it makes it difficult for me to fight these bouts of anxiety.   I know that because I lack serotonin my body has a hard time escaping that fight or flight mode, and in turn my heart palpitations and inability to deal with stressful situations are inevitable.  It finally makes sense.  I get it now.  And now I can work on fixing it through acupuncture and serotonin doses. 

That's it?  Really?  But yea...

I have so much hope.  And I am more than thankful I had the opportunity to be introduced to the wellness center.  I am confident this is the way, and I hope my experience through this will help others to see that prescription depression/anxiety medications are not the only way to go. 

I mean, anyone can do this really.  It's a matter of making it happen actually.  Which I am glad I finally did.  I got home and told Steve all about it.  He says, at the end of my rant, "give me a hug, come here." What?  Why? What did I do?  "I'm proud of you" he says.  And you know what?  He's right, I should be proud of me.  I really kinda am.  I've been talking about it (and now writing) all damn day.

OHhhh and on a complete side note: I also found out I am allergic to gluten.  Which sucks far worse than I could ever imagine.  But I will deal with that on its own.  I mean we live in a Gluten Free World these days.  And I am determined to get my body to learn how to break it down, so one day I can eat all the pasta I could ever want.  I am only on day one about 6 hrs into my gluten detox, so I am sure we will revisit this in about 24 hours when my longing for bagels and skinny sticks meets its max.

If anyone in the Philadelphia area would like to go to one of these appts I highly suggest checking out Cheryl at www.theartofwellnesscenter.com. 

And if you need some guidance on how to deal with anxiety, I am sure I have just about every suggestion for you.  Just give me a call.  I'll be sure to talk you through the worst of the worst kind of panic attacks.

With love.
Your chemically unbalanced gluten allergenic freak.

Hey hey, I am back

Okay so I haven't written on this thing in so so long.  Between photography work and my insane work schedule I have not much time to do anything.  But recently I have felt like I have so much to write about and no where to put it.  I felt like I had abandoned this thing, and it wasn't right to just pick it back up, but then I remembered the blog has no actual feelings.  It is not mad at me or something. 

So anyways, here I am.  I probably will return for now and then disappear again.  But hey, really who cares...no one probably even reads this mess on the reg. 

The amount of shit that has happened to me in the (almost) year since I have written is amazing.  Most importantly the fact that I got engaged, and holy shit, I am getting married.  Who would've ever thought that?  Sure as hell not me.  I noticed that in the beginning of my engagement I went to worrrrkkkkk.  I busted my ass and secured my venue in just about one week's time.  I was determined to get married in October of next year.   Most importantly however, I noticed that all I talked about for like two-four weeks was this god damn wedding that is one year away.  I wanted to tell myself to shut up and I am sure that my friends felt even more eye rolls and STFU's then I can imagine.  I've been there, trust me.  I said I would never be that way, and I have finally gotten to the point of annoying myself enough, that I am taking a bit of a break.  Well sort of.  I am sure I will write about this experience in just about every post, but honestly, this is my life and this is what I am experiencing, so bear with me.

After re-reading my last post to remember where I left off I still want to re-iterate...everything I said, I really really still mean.  Single ladies, do not settle for anything but the best.  I can hear you, see your eye rolls, "Shut up" right?  No.  There are still good ones out there, I promise.  And when you find one, don't sit on it and wait for it to happen.  You are in control of your life, stop letting feelings, and "I feel stupids" stand in your way. 

I can honestly say, I have found a man who is so much better than me every day.  He makes me want to be this person I never even thought I could even be.  Every single day I cannot wait to get home to see him.  I cannot wait to tell him the 8 hrs worth of shit that happen in our longest hours away from each other.  This is really real.  It happens. 

I am so happy to have started this whole marriage thing.  I have so much to complain about already :)


In brief: For those who I haven't talked to...we got engaged on our trip to Memphis.  Steve thought it was appropriate to be all cool calm and collective and not ask me until three days into our trip.  But it was all so incredibly perfect.  I cannot have asked for a better memory.

The right kinda

Okay so I love Girls.  Of course I do.  I mean how could I not?  But anyway.  This past weeks episode was real different.  I wasn't the biggest fan of this unrealistic? situation happening to Hannah and was super quick to judge.  Especially with my man sitting beside me, making under the breath blows, of how this is, yes, again unrealistic. 

But then it kind of dawned on me.  This is my kinda sorta my life.  I have someone that treats me with so much love every minute of the day.  And I never believe it.  Never.  I keep wondering when I am going to wake up.  I only have ever expected the most shitty treatment from any guy I've been with.  And the worst part about it is that I actually accepted it.  It's disgusting. 

I spent so much of my life accepting that I would just be that girl to experience everything.  For everyone to see me as that girl that gets to just do everything because she's not tied down.  To be the role model for all girls out there who couldn't find the right kinda love. 

I think back to nights where I would lay in my bed and wish upon everything I could wish upon to experience love.  The real kind.  Not the shitty kind of accepting whatever comes your way kinda love. 

And I got it.  I got my WISH.  And now I can try and believe it, accept it.  And I can still be that girl who experiences things, but this time, with him by my side.  And I can do everything and anything I used to...just now with my better half. 

So...if you are sitting at home, thinking this will never happen to you, well....It will.  And when it does, you will look back and see everything so different.   So stop accepting the shitty of shitty and know, just know, it will come.  Promise.

Top 7 worst gifts of all time

http://shine.yahoo.com/fashion/7-gifts-women-list-220100517.html

Okay so for some reason I just read this dumb ass article and I just don't get it.  These are the worst gifts ever and no man should buy these for any woman in their lives. 

1.  Cheerful chains--this is maybe the only gift that is semi-cool.  But not really.  I mean these are not even that pretty.  And way bland.  I am pretty sure you can pick up something much more awesome from a crane machine.

2.  Nailpolish?  Really?  Nothing says you are a cheap asshole than this lame gift.  How about a gift card to a local nail salon so we don't have to paint those puppies ourselves. 

3.  Teardrop Cuffs--Here's and idea...how about you take a paper clip bend it all up and then wrap it in a box.  I'm pretty sure it will look the same.  When your girl receives it beware she will unbend it and stick it straight in her eye.

4.  Cookware--go fuck yourself.  If you want me to cook for you, buy this pot for me just cause.  I would much rather some as seen on TV spaghetti pot or something.

5.  Paper-clip holder--quit now.  Just quit.  Paperclips are the most annoying thing ever.  Not to mention a jar with a "paper-clip" reindeer on it.  The only thing cool about this is it's potential to be thrown across the room at another co-worker.

6.  Stationary--what are you a fucking part of the convent?  Only girls can buy this for each other.  Do not buy this for your "woman."  She will hate you forever. 

7.  Happier at Home--nothing says "I hate you and want you to be happier" than this book.  Trust me, if you buy this you will somehow become much unhappier. 


Take my advice men, please take it. 

And this is why I hate Christmas.  Reason #187, someone shoot me in the fucking head.  We can call it Murrrrrrdddaa.

it's been awhile

Ok wow.  I just realized that it has been a while since I last posted.  And I guess there is a reason for that.  I have thought about blogging this for a while now, but I was just so unsure.  Even though I blog about my life and experiences, I rarely blog about super personal things.  And quite frankly I do not even know where to start.  My life has just been so overwhelmingly beautiful lately and I am just way too thankful to not get on this shit. 

So anyways, I was reading my favorite blog today and I came across this quote, and I knew I just had to write about it, because it is so true to me right now.

 

 

Here goes...a couple months ago I was sinking kind of into a dark, but enlightening place.  I was very frustrated with the whole dating scene, and the many many assholes of my past.  Walls were surrounding me and I was extremely cautious of anyone I came into contact with.  I was over the whole casual dating scene and I just wanted to break free.  I had no desire to be with anyone else, because for once I was beginning to just be happy with myself, who I was, and where I was going in my life.  I made a promise to myself, before leaving for Spain, that I was no longer going to continue my search for a boyfriend, husband, life partner, whatever the fuck you long for.  I was okay being alone.  It seems really sad, I know.  But that is where I was at.  It was enlightening because I was happy regardless of this conscious decision I was making.  I always thought of my aunt Lisa, and how happy she was being single, being the aunt who was the mother, friend, and confidant of us all.  If she could do it, well, so could I.  I know I want kids, but I have always, and will continue to be comfortable adopting if I need to.  So that really wasn't an issue.  But anyways, I was determined to live my life this way. 

 

While in Spain, I had somewhat of a break down.  Again, sad?  Not really.  I poured my heart out on the streets of Barcelona, sobbing, releasing all of it to my friend.  I got to the root of the problem and again, promised myself that was it.  No more.  All the feelings of depression at times, I knew were a reflection of the past.  I had to break free.  No expectations, no heart ache, no more putting someone else before myself.  I was on the right path.  I needed this. 

 

After returning to Philadelphia, I felt super liberated.  My experience in Spain opened my eyes to the beauty that was hidden inside of me.  I felt wonderful.  I felt free. 

 

And holy effin shit.  Boom it hit me.  Love.  There is was right in front of me for so many years.  I don't know exactly how I saw it, or grabbed a hold of it, but it is so very wonderful.

 

So like always, I will refrain from using names, but you all should know who he is.  I took a huge step in all of this, and for once put myself (like I promised) first.  I realized for so long I sabotaged so many of my relationships, because of the past, because of my experiences and loyalty to many people.  I was not letting this go this time.  I wanted to do this for me, and I wanted him more than I have ever wanted someone before.

 

And the feeling was mutual.  For once.   

 

I can honestly say, I am the happiest I have ever been.  Everyone who is close to me has told me they just see something different in me these days.  Well that difference is him.  There is not a day that goes by that he does not make me feel so very special.  I can go on and on forever about this. 

 

I laugh at myself daily cause I am such a fucking cheeseball.  It's all sort of sickening.  But you know what?  I deserve it.  I really really do. 

 

And finally, I feel at peace.  What I thought was peace before, was just a glimpse of it.  I have been living in the present lately, and it feels so so good.   

 

I never thought this would happen for me.  But it did.  And for that, I am thankful.  And in love. 

 

 

 

 



Everything.

I just had to get up, leave my computer screen, and hide in the bathroom to cry, for just a few moments.  This is everything.  Everything.

And when I go home I will love my everything even more. 

This is a letter written by Fiona Apple, as an apology to her fans for the suspension of her tour.  And this is exactly why I love her even more today than I have ever loved her before.  And this is exactly why I remember to give Jose an extra rub, or an extra kiss, each and every day.  Watching someone pass whether a friend, a family member, or a pet is life changing.  It brings a meaning to life more than anything will ever come close to.  With this letter I remember holding my aunts hand as she took her last breath, and with this I acknowledge how special each and every moment is.  With every wind, I remember.  I certainly can never forget. 

taken from Fiona's Facebook

It's 6pm on Friday,and I'm writing to a few thousand friends I have not met yet.
I am writing to ask them to change our plans and meet a little while later.
Here's the thing.
I have a dog Janet, and she's been ill for almost two years now, as a tumor has been idling in her chest, growing ever so slowly. She's almost 14 years old now.I got her when she was 4 months old. I was 21 then, an adult officially - and she was my child.

She is a pitbull, and was found in Echo Park, with a rope around her neck, and bites all over her ears and face.
She was the one the dogfighters use to puff up the confidence of the contenders.
She's almost 14 and I've never seen her start a fight ,or bite, or even growl, so I can understand why they chose her for that awful role. She's a pacifist.
Janet has been the most consistent relationship of my adult life, and that is just a fact.
We've lived in numerous houses, and jumped a few make shift families, but it's always really been the two of us.
She slept in bed with me, her head on the pillow, and she accepted my hysterical, tearful face into her chest, with her paws around me, every time I was heartbroken, or spirit-broken, or just lost, and as years went by, she let me take the role of her child, as I fell asleep, with her chin resting above my head.
She was under the piano when I wrote songs, barked any time I tried to record anything, and she was in the studio with me all the time we recorded the last album.
The last time I came back from tour, she was spry as ever, and she's used to me being gone for a few weeks every 6 or 7 years.
She has Addison's Disease, which makes it dangerous for her to travel since she needs regular injections of Cortisol, because she reacts to stress and to excitement without the physiological tools which keep most of us from literally panicking to death.
Despite all of this, she’s effortlessly joyful and playful, and only stopped acting like a puppy about 3 years ago.
She's my best friend and my mother and my daughter, my benefactor, and she's the one who taught me what love is.
I can't come to South America. Not now.
When I got back from the last leg of the US tour, there was a big, big difference.
She doesn't even want to go for walks anymore.
I know that she's not sad about aging or dying. Animals have a survival instinct, but a sense of mortality and vanity, they do not. That’s why they are so much more present than people.
But I know that she is coming close to point where she will stop being a dog, and instead, be part of everything. She’ll be in the wind, and in the soil, and the snow, and in me, wherever I go.
I just can't leave her now, please understand.
If I go away again, I’m afraid she'll die and I won't have the honor of singing her to sleep, of escorting her out.
Sometimes it takes me 20 minutes to pick which socks to wear to bed.
But this decision is instant.
These are the choices we make, which define us.
I will not be the woman who puts her career ahead of love and friendship.
I am the woman who stays home and bakes Tilapia for my dearest, oldest friend.
And helps her be comfortable, and comforted, and safe, and important.
Many of us these days, we dread the death of a loved one. It is the ugly truth of Life, that keeps us feeling terrified and alone.
I wish we could also appreciate the time that lies right beside the end of time.
I know that I will feel the most overwhelming knowledge of her, and of her life and of my love for her, in the last moments.
I need to do my damnedest to be there for that.
Because it will be the most beautiful, the most intense, the most enriching experience of life I've ever known.
When she dies.
So I am staying home, and I am listening to her snore and wheeze, and reveling in the swampiest, most awful breath that ever emanated from an angel.
And I am asking for your blessing.

I'll be seeing you.
Love, Fiona

DaGrinch

The holiday season I guess has crept up on me again.  Hate this time of year.  Fast foward to December 27th please.