So anyways, I was reading my favorite blog today and I came across this quote, and I knew I just had to write about it, because it is so true to me right now.
Here goes...a couple months ago I was sinking kind of into a dark, but enlightening place. I was very frustrated with the whole dating scene, and the many many assholes of my past. Walls were surrounding me and I was extremely cautious of anyone I came into contact with. I was over the whole casual dating scene and I just wanted to break free. I had no desire to be with anyone else, because for once I was beginning to just be happy with myself, who I was, and where I was going in my life. I made a promise to myself, before leaving for Spain, that I was no longer going to continue my search for a boyfriend, husband, life partner, whatever the fuck you long for. I was okay being alone. It seems really sad, I know. But that is where I was at. It was enlightening because I was happy regardless of this conscious decision I was making. I always thought of my aunt Lisa, and how happy she was being single, being the aunt who was the mother, friend, and confidant of us all. If she could do it, well, so could I. I know I want kids, but I have always, and will continue to be comfortable adopting if I need to. So that really wasn't an issue. But anyways, I was determined to live my life this way.
While in Spain, I had somewhat of a break down. Again, sad? Not really. I poured my heart out on the streets of Barcelona, sobbing, releasing all of it to my friend. I got to the root of the problem and again, promised myself that was it. No more. All the feelings of depression at times, I knew were a reflection of the past. I had to break free. No expectations, no heart ache, no more putting someone else before myself. I was on the right path. I needed this.
After returning to Philadelphia, I felt super liberated. My experience in Spain opened my eyes to the beauty that was hidden inside of me. I felt wonderful. I felt free.
And holy effin shit. Boom it hit me. Love. There is was right in front of me for so many years. I don't know exactly how I saw it, or grabbed a hold of it, but it is so very wonderful.
So like always, I will refrain from using names, but you all should know who he is. I took a huge step in all of this, and for once put myself (like I promised) first. I realized for so long I sabotaged so many of my relationships, because of the past, because of my experiences and loyalty to many people. I was not letting this go this time. I wanted to do this for me, and I wanted him more than I have ever wanted someone before.
And the feeling was mutual. For once.
I can honestly say, I am the happiest I have ever been. Everyone who is close to me has told me they just see something different in me these days. Well that difference is him. There is not a day that goes by that he does not make me feel so very special. I can go on and on forever about this.
I laugh at myself daily cause I am such a fucking cheeseball. It's all sort of sickening. But you know what? I deserve it. I really really do.
And finally, I feel at peace. What I thought was peace before, was just a glimpse of it. I have been living in the present lately, and it feels so so good.
I never thought this would happen for me. But it did. And for that, I am thankful. And in love.
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