Ohhhhhhmmmm

Wow.  I just realized I have not written in like 7 months.  I am not exactly sure where the time has gone.  I guess somewhere in between my anxiety attacks and wedding planning I have forgotten about writing.  Well I am back.

Let me back up a little first to just explain a bit about my "anxiety attacks " because just saying that seems a bit dramatic.  I have struggled with anxiety my whole life.  As far back as I can remember I can recall feeling the overwhelming feelings, but as a child not understanding what they were.  I do remember not being able to eat at restaurants, or having to pee every single time I walked into a new environment, not sleeping, or just terror of unfamiliar places.  But I didn't know what it was.  I just thought I was the annoying needy child that always just yearned for attention.

So 8 years ago when the real anxiety (that's what I consider it) began I was terrified.  I remember being 23 years old sitting in the bathroom stall at a bar crying my eyes out, begging someone or something to give me relief from the fear, the anxiety, of just being out in public.  I was unable to go anywhere.  I also remember my boyfriend asking me to go to six flags, and me being like "are you crazy" I can't go somewhere like that, there are too many people, and what if I panic.  What if I die?  What if this and what if that?

Story of my life.  What if?

I eventually got it under control with the recipe of medication and denial.  And that worked for a really long time.  As long as I had medication in my pocket book I could go anywhere.  I could do anything because I had a safety net.

Eventually it went away for almost three years.  I was living in a new city, receiving an awesome promotion, having the time of my life, forgetting about everything that ever caused me anxiety before.  And guess what, I met the man of my dreams, and felt so loved, and so happy, and so much everything.  I felt so so so much. And then boom, there was my long lost friend, lingering around, forcing himself right back into my life. Anxiety hit like it had never hit before.

I didn't get it.  I was so happy.  Why now, was this not supposed to happen to me?  Was I not supposed to be happy.  That was it.  I didn't deserve this happiness.  I didn't deserve Steve.  I sure as hell didn't didn't deserve the engagement ring he put on my finger.  And I was sure I didn't deserve the future I was going to have.

This is serious.  These were my thoughts.

So you know what I did...I talked myself into dying.  I was sure that if I was happy then I was absolutely positive it wouldn't last and I was going to die.  I diagnosed myself with every cancer, every disease, under the sun.  I spent every byte of my data plan looking at webmd.  And I spent every last cent and then some more on medical bills, for every test and every scan I could get.  I laid awake at night begging Steve to talk to me because I was sure I was not waking up the next morning.

And he stuck by me?

Eventually, I started on my journey to get this anxiety under control, sans medication.  I spoke about this briefly back when I was still writing.  I went to holistic doctors and started trying different things.  I met my new therapist and started working.  I remember during our first session she asked me what I did to relax.  I could not answer this question.  I went to Buddhist class to relax, I meditated, but honestly that was such a small percentage of my time that it was not enough.  Plus, I was still regularly having panic attacks during each and every meditation.  But I knew it would work, they said it would, so I believed.  And eventually it did.

Thankfully, along with my therapy sessions, and my Buddhist classes, and meditation, I got my ass back to yoga.  I remembered a time where yoga was my therapy, but I also remember the one major panic attack that led me running from the studio not to turn back.  Well here I was, laying on the floor of savasana and I felt great.  This was it!  This was my recipe.  As the tears rolled down my face I new this was the beginning. I knew I was strong enough.  I could overcome this.

**I have to make a note here.  In present time, I am re-visiting this blog post I tried to write weeks ago.  And at the end of the sentence above I had a very intense panic attack.  I had to leave work because I could not breathe.  I made my fiance talk to me the entire way home because I was sure I was dying.  This is how real this all is.  I was so disappointed in myself, in the fact that as I was writing about how far I have come, and somehow it all came flooding back.  But you know what?  That is the nature of this shit.  It sucks.  But it is real and it is life, and I am still willing to work at it every day.  Be honest with myself, and to those out there dealing with the same kind of feelings.**

I know now that anxiety cannot defeat me.  As long as I have my friends, my family, energy to overcome my thoughts, my yoga community, and most importantly love I can always come out of this with experience, whether positive or negative.  I will welcome tears as they fall from my eyes and sing peace, peace, peace as I am thankful for each and every day, and each and every one of you.  Namaste.

Wedding Etiquette. The Un-Official Bride.Zilla. version

So a friend of mine asked me today if I could teach her about weddings (and I love you so much) because she was unsure what the etiquette was for gifts.  It was a bit awkward since I knew she was asking specifically for mine, but hey I ultimately love her even more, that she didn't take a chance, and somehow royally annoy me.  Which probably would be impossible for her to do, but you know what I am saying.

This whole wedding thing is a fiasco.  Let me just say that.  I am ultimately happy that I chose to do it the traditional ((invite your whole fucking world)) way but I got to say, shit is annoying.  I have mad respect for all those that did not completely lose your shit during this process.  With the constant mixture of meditation, yoga, drinking, and therapy, I am able to maintain my cool about 24 hours out of any given week.

And let me just say before any of you go saying "you self righteous bitch," that I am more than appreciative for those that are helping me through this.  And for those making this difficult, you suck big time.

I was reading this wedding etiquette thing on Huffington Post after my friend asked me this question.  I already knew most of these rules because I have been to 734 weddings in about 10 years, but I thought it would be fun to put my little spin on it.  And potentially I can hope to save one more person from sending me into any sort of "you get on my nerves" rage.  So here goes.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/06/17/wedding-etiquette-the-dos_n_879354.html

Do's

1.  RSVP --  Please do this.  Please.  I am so very sorry for all those people I failed to do this for.  We will be sending you something special in the next couple of years once I recover from the debt I am putting myself in.

2.  Ceremony -- If you were invited to the wedding, and don't feel like showing up for the ceremony...NO one will even care.  Or notice.  Show up with your drinking face on.
If you are going to flip that and only show up for the ceremony, please RSVP that you are not coming.  We really don't feel like paying for your attendance if you are not going to eat and drink your fill.

3. Dress Code --  Wear whatever you want.  Whatever makes you happy.  I don't even care if you wear white, but other bitches will trust me.  They will talk about you all night.  So you might not want to.  Only rule is, don't try to look better than we will, because you will spend the rest of the night disappointed.

4.  Arrival -- Arrive at the Ceremony on time.  And by Ceremony I mean open bar starts immediately after ceremony.  Cool.  Thanks for coming, I totally noticed in my panic attack haze that you were even there.

5.  Send a gift even if you don't come -- Shit this is a new rule for me.   I mean I want to agree because that will put more money back in my pocket, but really?  Nah.  If you RSVP you are NOT coming then, please you just saved two of us money.  If you RSVP YES and don't show up, you better send a gift or we will seek vengeance.

6.  Registry Gifts/Wedding Gifts --  Yes please buy from the registry. One does not spend 3 hrs in Target doing this for nothing.  But if you want to surprise me with something different.  Feel free to do that as well.  I am down with it.  Just include the receipt, just in case it doesn't match the curtains I have in my house that does not exist (yet).
If you come to the wedding, I am sorry to inform you...you should bring a gift to the actual wedding.  You have a year (i think) to do this.

7.   Assigned seats -- Just accept your table arrangement.  You will be there for like 15 min tops.  My caterer promised to have everyone fed in under 15 min.  If you want to squeeze in with your BFF at the next table, no one cares.  Go ahead.  Just put that table number card in your pocket and keep it breezy.

8.  See below, #1.  Read it a couple times.

Don'ts

1.    Uninvited Guests -- Don't add any fucking guests.  If you receive an invitation with just your name on it, you are NOT invited with a guest.  And this does not give you free range to invite your neighbors cousin who you think is hot to our wedding.  And don't act like you didn't know this was a rule.
And if for some reason, you slip by with getting your uninvited guest to the wedding, they better bring us a gift too.  And chocolate.  I like dark.  He really likes cookies.  That should be enough to make up for it.

Just to clarify.  Your invitation will either say John Doe or John Doe and Guest.  The latter means you are invited with a guest.

2.  Yes, the no guest applies to your kid(s).  Your children will get an invitation if they are invited.  Which, in this case means,  unless your children are the age of 21 don't bank on it.

3.  Don't dress to compete -- see above Dress Code

4.  Don't disrespect the couples religious or cultural traditions --  if you have a problem with partying or being awesome, well don't judge, I am sorry for you.

5.  Don't be all about your wedding -- What?  That't totally going to happen.  It's cool.  Just as long as you are enjoying yourself while remembering yours, what is the harm.  I am confident in ours.  We got this in the bag.

6.  Don't use your phone --  Again, what?  Use your phone.  However, being a photographer, we have chosen to ask  guests to refrain from using their phone for pictures during ceremony.  Because we are paying our lovely photographers with a whole lot of love (and $$) to do this for us.  Let them do their job for 15 min tops...promise.

7.  Don't leave before the cake is cut -- Translation : Do not leave before your feet hurt.

8.  Don't share wedding photos yet -- Hahahahahahah yea ok.  This is 2014.  Free range my friends.


And Finally. (this is an add on)

9.  Do not fight with anyone at the wedding -- This includes your whiskey raging alter self.  NO Fighting.  Only love.  Only LOVE.  Love.


Can't wait to see you all there.

Pyrography

Don't ask me where I got the interest in Pyrography, burning wood, but it just came to me.  I think honestly I needed some other form of artistic outlet besides photography for a while.  Anyways, I bought myself a nice little Versatool and am prepared to teach myself the in's and out's of this game.

The Versatool I got at AC Moore and it was quite inexpensive for something so incredibly cool.  And with so many parts involved.

It came with the actual wood burning tool and then all the different points.  One of the points included was a photo transfer which will be super beneficial down the line.

I bought some practice wood at AC Moore as well and printed some stencils free online.  Here is step by step of how it worked.

1.  Printed Free Stencils, make sure you do this on xerox or a printer that uses toner.

2.  Heated up Versatool with the photo transfer point attached, but not too much because it would burn the paper.

3.  Attached stencil face down on wood and began rubbing semi hot tool over it in circular motions.  Numerous times.

4.  Once the stencil was transferred I carefully switch my attachment to the universal point.

5.  From there I began tracing, very lightly over the stencil.  It was a bit messy and difficult but I will continue to practice.

Here is my outcome.

I am quite proud of myself considering how difficult it is to actually hold the tool.  I thought it would be much easier.  I practiced some more last night and I might have gotten worse.  But I will keep trying.  It is relaxing and it smells good.

Friday Night Bites

Steve and I decided to brave the disgusting weather this Friday (after both skipping the gym) and head out for a nice dinner.  We decided to try Mi Lah Vegetarian on 16th and Locust.  I have wanted to go to Mi Lah Vegetarian for about three years now.  It always comes up on my Yelp search list.  However something about Mi Lah, probably the uninviting (or lack there of) decor.  I had this idea that it was just a vegetarian buffet or something, and buffets creep me out.  After Steve's suggestion I decided it was time, let's just try this out.

OHhhhhh.emm.G.  Ridiculous.  It was so so so so so good.

And everything is vegan/vegetarian and most items can be made gluten free.  I was in my glory.  I had so many options.  Typically, I have one maybe two options at every (non-vegan) restaurant.  How was I going to decide!!!

I had the Grilled Marinated Tofu in Red Wine and Cranberry Sauce with plantains and fingerling potatoes

While Steve had the Roated Brussel Sprouts with Butternut Squash and Potato Cashew Gratin in a lemon buerre blanc

Both we simply amazing and I highly recommend this restaurant.  I cannot wait to go back.  Oh an if you are vegan and living in Philly, they have Vegan Beignets on Sundays.  Seriously.

Cauliflower Rice

Last night was my first attempt with Cauliflower Rice.  Rice is honestly one of my most favorite things to eat so it was hard to eliminate from my diet.  I am okay to eat Brown Rice but I am still trying to stay as grain free as I can.

There are so many different things you can do with Cauliflower Rice.  I chose to have mine hot and simple because I cooked a bunch of veggies to go along with it.

Here is what I used...and I used a bit too much garlic (and I am a garlic freak) so you might want to cut it in half.

1 head of Cauliflower (feeds about four in total)
2 cloves of garlic
salt and pepper to taste
A handful of cilantro
1 Tsp of smoked paprika
1.5 Tbsp of Olive Oil

Honestly all I did was pick the cauliflower off the head and put it in my food processor.  And added everything.  I chopped up the stuff really quick, because you can't let it get too food processed or it will be not "rice" like.

Mine came out more like couscous but that was fine with me.

I added a bunch of veggies with it :: zucchini, onions, mushrooms, celery.

For my mans...I cooked all the remaining meats from Thanksgiving that were in our fridge.  I really hate wasting any type of food regardless of what it is.  Luckily both he and I are not opposed to mixing a ton of random shit together at any moment.  That actually is how I cook majority of the time.  He is constantly surprised with how I make a complete full meal when there is barely anything in our fridge.

Turkey, Chicken, and Brisket.  I chopped them all up added a tiny bit of Vegan Mayo (I know go figure but he is obsessed with it) and cooked it all together.  He said it was amazing, but I would never know :)

I will be altering this recipe over and over again and might start living off of cauliflower.

Gua Sha

Last night I returned to the Wellness Center for my acupuncture appt with Cheryl.  I had a lot to say, especially after my gluten free disappointment had hit an all time high.  I needed to tell her I felt like shit and that I was ready to not feel this way anymore.

So I arrive and immediately tell her I feel like crap.  My appointment with her two weeks ago for acupuncture was cancelled and now I have been without it for four weeks.  She informed me that my over indulgence in gluten over the holiday was my "lesson" and I should use it as a tool to stay on track.  Yea most definitely.  I will, I promise.

I talked to her a bit about my rib pain.  For those that don't know, and you should be glad I haven't complained to you, I have had this chronic rib pain for about 6 months now.  Sometimes it is worse than others but all together it is just annoying.  It is not a pain that I cannot live with, but it is more so just always there, it hurts to touch, to move in certain ways, and most certainly to stretch.  Hugging someone was even painful at times.

Let me just explain to you what I have experienced with this rib....

At first I thought my rib hurt because I was sleeping on a new bed, and it did not have a mattress pad.  So after shopping around for the best of the best mattress pad, I bought one.  It was no help.  I still had pain.

Then I was convinced I had a tumor.  Cause that is what I do...naturally.

So I went to the doctors.  The doctor told me it was anxiety and stress.  Like usual.  And I left with two different prescriptions to up the doses on my Xanax.  The doctor insisted on increasing my dose on my Xanax even though I explained to her I don't even take the ones she originally prescribed to me.  She suggested I take the pills and relax.

So I did.  And I was wasted and felt little to nothing.  Felt good for a bit.  But it returned.

I went back to the doctors.  Told her again.  She sends me for X-Rays and an UltraSound.  I get both.  Both are perfectly normal.  But anyway...all results were normal.

$1400 in medical bills and a mattress pad later I was left with no explanation.  And now just beginning to think I was just crazy.

So it continued.  And it was hard to do certain things at the gym, or sleep on my stomach, and even hug my fiance.  I was constant complaining about this stupid ass rib.  I was annoyed I had no idea what was going on and what I could do for this thing.

But mostly I wanted to stop diagnosing my self with a serious life threatening illness.  If you could even see the search results on my browsing history you would die.  From laughter.

I tell Cheryl about my rib pain, and its like its no big thing.  She touches my stomach and is like yea I feel some knots in there.  Let me do some Gua Sha.

"Some WHAT?!"

Next thing you know I am getting Gua Sha.  She is like "ohhhhh yea, you got an old injury in here"  Look she says.  I look down and my entire stomach is like red and looks like a serious skin rash/bruise.  She says, "when you have an injury your stomach turns red like this, otherwise it would just be pink from the little rubbing I am doing."

I am fascinated.  I didn't even feel anything.  It just felt like she is rubbing a cap to a jar smoothly over my skin.  This cannot work.

So we will see if it does.  Right now it feels entirely different.  It is just sore like a bruise, and entirely different feeling from before.

And here's the link to Gua Sha if you want to take a read.

http://www.delvalacupuncture.com/CherylsSite3/Gua%20Sha.htm


Crossing my fingers.

This is what it looked like after Gua Sha

Wheat Envy

So this whole gluten free deal, yea well I don't like it.  I have really been struggling with it.  Especially over these holidays.  I developed this mentality that maybe if I just follow the no gluten thing "most of the time" I would be fine.  Well yea, I will be physically living yes, and that is fine, but I will be in pain.  And lots of it.

I keep referring back to the fact that I used to eat all these things and it was okay.  But I tend to forget that I was constantly feeling crappy.  And after detoxing from gluten for a couple weeks and seeing how great I felt, I should not be okay with having this "most of the time" mentality.

This holiday I over indulged in plenty of foods that included wheat.  Even though I thought I did pretty well, the affects of it are not pretty.  I am still recovering.  Almost a week and I am just about free from indigestion, cramps, and bloating.  I have all these aches and pains throughout my body.  I constantly think, hey I worked out too hard at the gym, or hey I am just overly stressed, when really it could just be the affects of my lack of dedication to MY healthy eating habits.  The more and more I read about the negative affects of gluten the more it resonates that this is why I feel crappy.  I have a medical professional tell me I have an intolerance for a specific food and I continue to remain in denial about it.  I continue to make excuses.  And I certainly, continue to feel crappy.

NO MORE.

(and still in my head I think, "well maybe just sometimes")

I am going to use this blog to document my struggles with this and my journey towards being strong and feeling healthy.  All these other "wheat free" blogs are so inspirational but sometimes I feel like, "don't you ever mess up" and "how do you live this way all of the time?"

As a vegan, it is even more difficult (I think) to eliminate gluten.  I mean what the hell else is there left for me to eat.  And it actually makes me sort of angry inside.  I have thought about adding some animal products (such as eggs) back in to my life to make it easier, but it makes me really uncomfortable still.  I still think about this daily, but I am not there yet.

Oh and on a side note...my fiance found out he is allergic to gluten as well.  Which seems great right?  We can live this hell together??  Not so fast.  He decided that with this whole gluten hell thing, he is going to try out the Paleo diet.  And it makes me want to crawl into a ball and cry.  And cry some more.  How can this be, how can this even work?  Why me, why me? Over and over and over again.

But I am living, and for that I should feel thankful.  And not pissed off at the world because wheat makes me feel horrible.  It honestly is not the end of the world.  And even though sometimes I might feel like it is, life will go on without it.

So here I will be documenting, and struggling, and winning, and probably struggling some more.  But at least this can be my motivation to be a Super Stellar Healthy Eater/Blogger that rarely makes mistakes...Paleo and Vegan and Gluten free.

Wish me luck.

This is actually how we feel

Here is a quick and easy test to get an idea if gluten is affecting your health
http://www.doctoroz.com/videos/gluten-sensitivity-self-test

And if you think it is please make an appt with Cheryl Broad for Allergy Testing here
http://www.artofwellnesscenter.com/

And if you then are hit with the worst news ever (according to me) here are some websites that have really helped me so far.

Against All Grain http://www.againstallgrain.com/

Wheat-Free http://www.wheat-free.org/

Inspiralized http://www.inspiralized.com/
*** soon to be the basis of my whole existence once I receive my new spiralizer in the mail***

Food Babe http://foodbabe.com/