Let me first start out this post by saying, this is in no way a insult to mothers who have more than one child. Unless, you happen to fall into the category of type of mother who I just ran into this morning....
So I am up super early this morning in the coffee shop and in walks a mother of three. Two children are about 4 and 5, super excited and running around crazy in the shop, the third a screaming infant in some strange little pouch carrier beneath the stroller where I thought you were supposed to keep your diaper bag and baby shit. As I witness this, I think to myself, "damn this mama is keeping her shit together, good for her." She was definitely calm, especially with the way her child was screaming, ordering her coffee and muffins and juggling all her money and bottles. I stood there just patiently waiting my turn, dodging the four and five year old, and minding my own damn business.
And here it comes people, here it comes...
The lady turns to me, and for some reason thinks this is okay to say, "are you ready for this, cause this is going to be you, reallllll soon." I thankfully, was able to just smile and let her leave without saying any of what I really wanted to say to her slip out.
First of all, why are some mothers like angry old women, thinking they can say anything they damn well please to strangers. You, mama, do not know me. How do you know I am not giving this baby up for adoption, or even carrying it as a surrogate? That's right, you don't, yet you still feel the need to comment on what my life is "going to be like" when I have my first, not third child. You forgot in all the craziness of your screaming children that you do not know me, and you certainly do not have the right to make assumptions on something you know nothing about.
Second, "am I ready for this?" Ready for what? Three children? Hell no. Oh yea, I forgot you know me so well you know I am having three children, and screaming ones too. They are just all gonna pop right out being maniacs. Newsflash, tubes will be tied instantly, if for some reason this mama makes it to two. But I forgot, you wouldn't know that, because oh yea, YOU don't know me!
Third, and most importantly, why oh why do you have to be so instantly negative? Why do some moms automatically default to the "get ready for this, it is hell" comments rather than the, "don't worry, it's not always this bad" encouragements? I don't get it. I really don't. If it is that bad, why in the world did you pump out three children?! Should I comment on your poor choices? Why are you not offering, me as a stranger, words of encouragement rather than making me want to go home and cry for the last 10 weeks of my pregnancy.
Listen, I know that babies cry, and being a mother is the most challenging job any one person can hold. But, did you not think, I thought about this just a tiny bit before getting myself into this situation? I am certainly aware of what goes on, and though I might not have first hand experience, it is something that I am currently preparing to learn. Let me learn it, without your shit ass comments.
I just wish, that mothers like this, could stop for one second and change their thought pattern, and offer something else. I understand completely that the stress levels are high, and you might not be thinking clearly, but please, how about you just not say anything at all? I have ten weeks left, can't you just let me live in my fairy tale land where I am not sleep deprived, hangry, on the verge of a breakdown.
Most importantly, we as strangers do not know what some people are going through. I think we need to all just stop and think sometimes, that our situations, are not always the same as other peoples situations. I believe I touched on this in a previous post, about people not asking whether or not you were pregnant yet. Your simple words, could really be hurtful to someone, especially someone you do not know. And have we forgotten, the lesson, "if you don't have anything nice to say, do not say anything at all?" I really just don't get it.
I really would like to thank those that do offer words of encouragement. You mamas are really awesome and I appreciate that you break the mold of the typical mother to future mother comment that I have experienced throughout this pregnancy. Like my friend Kerrie said to me just this weekend, "you are gonna love this La, you really are, I can't wait for you to know what it is like." Well thanks, thanks for that. I really really can't wait.
Thank you now. Carry on.
Monday, August 17, 2015
Thursday, July 23, 2015
With a heavy heart...
I don't even know where to start with this.
I began following Bethany on Instagram at the very beginning of my pregnancy. At a time, where not even my friends or family knew what was happening. I saw her feed through the "Explore Posts" and was instantly drawn to her and her adorable daughter and her growing baby bump. I am not one to randomly follow strangers on social media, but I was yearning to know more about how I could still look cool pregnant, how I could be a hip mom, and how I could still maintain an on the go "city living" mom attitude. I know that is extremely vain of me, but it is the truth. I was scared because I didn't expect to be pregnant this early in my marriage, and I certainly wasn't ready to give up my lifestyle as many have warned me I would have to. Watching Bethany grow, and watching her with her current daughter just made me happy. Not that I need to explain to any of you my social media antics, but whatever.
And this is where I tell you...if you can't deal with sadness, then close this right now. Because sad is an understatement.
A few weeks ago Bethany went into premature labor.
You can read her story here....
Bethany Menzel
A week or so later her daughter Goldie was born and there was something really wrong. Goldie was extremely sick and the hopes of her surviving very slim. I was devastated for Bethany, someone I didn't even know, and felt such a strong connection to this women I have never even met. I called upon a few of my good friends to send out their kinds of prayers for this family. I am not one for prayers to God, but I set more intentions than I have ever have and spent so much of my meditation time forcing light and love with the hopes that Goldie would survive. Unfortunately, it was not enough.
I don't even know where I am going with this.
I know I was meant to read this story for some reason.
I just think we all sometimes take so much for granted. I know I do. And this is a reminder, to be grateful on so many levels. To be thankful, for our lives, our experiences. Even the ones filled with so much pain, and so much grief. They are there for a reason.
I am even more thankful than one could ever be thankful for the little blessing, our precious Jack, that is growing bigger each and every day.
I am especially grateful, for the mourning I have experienced in this life, including the times where I felt the deepest sadness, because it has brought me so many great things.
And I am most thankful, writing this with such an incredibly heavy heart, that I have been drawn to this very beautiful human being, for she has provided me with the reminder that regardless of the situation, the sadness, the experience, whatever it may be, it is here for a reason, and that reason will give each and every one of us a purpose in life. Forever a life filled with so much wonder, and so much hurt, and even more beauty than most of us ever even begin to imagine.
I began following Bethany on Instagram at the very beginning of my pregnancy. At a time, where not even my friends or family knew what was happening. I saw her feed through the "Explore Posts" and was instantly drawn to her and her adorable daughter and her growing baby bump. I am not one to randomly follow strangers on social media, but I was yearning to know more about how I could still look cool pregnant, how I could be a hip mom, and how I could still maintain an on the go "city living" mom attitude. I know that is extremely vain of me, but it is the truth. I was scared because I didn't expect to be pregnant this early in my marriage, and I certainly wasn't ready to give up my lifestyle as many have warned me I would have to. Watching Bethany grow, and watching her with her current daughter just made me happy. Not that I need to explain to any of you my social media antics, but whatever.
And this is where I tell you...if you can't deal with sadness, then close this right now. Because sad is an understatement.
A few weeks ago Bethany went into premature labor.
You can read her story here....
Bethany Menzel
A week or so later her daughter Goldie was born and there was something really wrong. Goldie was extremely sick and the hopes of her surviving very slim. I was devastated for Bethany, someone I didn't even know, and felt such a strong connection to this women I have never even met. I called upon a few of my good friends to send out their kinds of prayers for this family. I am not one for prayers to God, but I set more intentions than I have ever have and spent so much of my meditation time forcing light and love with the hopes that Goldie would survive. Unfortunately, it was not enough.
I don't even know where I am going with this.
I know I was meant to read this story for some reason.
I just think we all sometimes take so much for granted. I know I do. And this is a reminder, to be grateful on so many levels. To be thankful, for our lives, our experiences. Even the ones filled with so much pain, and so much grief. They are there for a reason.
I am even more thankful than one could ever be thankful for the little blessing, our precious Jack, that is growing bigger each and every day.
I am especially grateful, for the mourning I have experienced in this life, including the times where I felt the deepest sadness, because it has brought me so many great things.
And I am most thankful, writing this with such an incredibly heavy heart, that I have been drawn to this very beautiful human being, for she has provided me with the reminder that regardless of the situation, the sadness, the experience, whatever it may be, it is here for a reason, and that reason will give each and every one of us a purpose in life. Forever a life filled with so much wonder, and so much hurt, and even more beauty than most of us ever even begin to imagine.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Disclaimer: You do NOT have to read this.
I made a decision back in August when the Michael Brown shooting happened to not write about it. To not post things on social media in regards to this horrible tragedy because I was confused. Plain and simple, just confused. It hurt me so much that this was happening. On both sides of the spectrum. For me, I just needed to be silent. And that is what I did.
And then...this happened. This really really sucks. How can this Eric Garner decision come at at a time like this? There is something really really wrong here. I cannot go back and watch the Eric Garner (original video) where this man pleads for this officer to let him breathe. I cannot change this poor decision not only made by this officer but by the grand jury not to indict him. And I certainly cannot change what is going to happen to our country in the next couple of months.
What I can do is to write...and by writing I can ask all of my friends and family, from whichever point of the spectrum you stand on is to have compassion. Have compassion for those that are experiencing the pain and sadness that surrounds all those involved in these tragedies. Have compassion for those who still see that oppression and racism exist in a country we call the "land of the free." Have compassion for those people who have family members themselves who are officers in this country and who see first hand the positive things that come from their duty. But most importantly we need to just have compassion for each other.
If you have things to say then say them, but hopefully with compassion held tightly deep inside. As a nation we need to stand up, and make a change, because what we are watching each day is not what we as a nation have worked towards. If you feel strongly about sides to these events, that is...the events of Ferguson and now Eric Garner, instead of hiding behind a computer go out and do something. Make a difference. We need to stay committed to "a movement of racial justice" in whichever way we can. Let's not lose focus.
Some positive suggestions....
--Reach out to local elected officials about how we can make this better
--Donate to communities to build education programs and to break the patterns we see in areas of poverty
--March, in a peaceful way to justice
--Pray
--Donate to local police
--Teach your children how to love, to see through race, gender, and sexuality
--Talk to your therapist, about how these things affect you
--Don't sit around, thinking, my voice cannot be heard, because it can
This article below really came at a perfect time, where I am struggling with social media and it's content...and inspired me to write this.
Cracked Wide Open Around Race
In summary, we as nation must not forget the most important thing above all, and that is LOVE. We need to love each other, and treat each other with the same respect each one of us deserves. Have compassion for your neighbors and as a citizen of the United States of America use your words (or text) to positively affect this country as a whole. That is correct, as a WHOLE. All we have is this one life, spend your time, and words, wisely.
And then...this happened. This really really sucks. How can this Eric Garner decision come at at a time like this? There is something really really wrong here. I cannot go back and watch the Eric Garner (original video) where this man pleads for this officer to let him breathe. I cannot change this poor decision not only made by this officer but by the grand jury not to indict him. And I certainly cannot change what is going to happen to our country in the next couple of months.
What I can do is to write...and by writing I can ask all of my friends and family, from whichever point of the spectrum you stand on is to have compassion. Have compassion for those that are experiencing the pain and sadness that surrounds all those involved in these tragedies. Have compassion for those who still see that oppression and racism exist in a country we call the "land of the free." Have compassion for those people who have family members themselves who are officers in this country and who see first hand the positive things that come from their duty. But most importantly we need to just have compassion for each other.
If you have things to say then say them, but hopefully with compassion held tightly deep inside. As a nation we need to stand up, and make a change, because what we are watching each day is not what we as a nation have worked towards. If you feel strongly about sides to these events, that is...the events of Ferguson and now Eric Garner, instead of hiding behind a computer go out and do something. Make a difference. We need to stay committed to "a movement of racial justice" in whichever way we can. Let's not lose focus.
Some positive suggestions....
--Reach out to local elected officials about how we can make this better
--Donate to communities to build education programs and to break the patterns we see in areas of poverty
--March, in a peaceful way to justice
--Pray
--Donate to local police
--Teach your children how to love, to see through race, gender, and sexuality
--Talk to your therapist, about how these things affect you
--Don't sit around, thinking, my voice cannot be heard, because it can
This article below really came at a perfect time, where I am struggling with social media and it's content...and inspired me to write this.
Cracked Wide Open Around Race
In summary, we as nation must not forget the most important thing above all, and that is LOVE. We need to love each other, and treat each other with the same respect each one of us deserves. Have compassion for your neighbors and as a citizen of the United States of America use your words (or text) to positively affect this country as a whole. That is correct, as a WHOLE. All we have is this one life, spend your time, and words, wisely.
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Yahoooooo
https://www.yahoo.com/health/scary-study-most-of-us-dont-recognize-common-104172328622.html
If I could punch a article in it's face I would punch this one. Seriously.
The article is labeled
Scary Study: Most of Us Don't Recognize Common Cancer Symptoms
Hypochondriac panic settle in. What the shit? This article immediately without reading screams panic.
However, once I read it, because who wouldn't, I realized this is the most idiotic article I may have ever read. The study states "Past research has shown that cancer patients often realize, after the fact, that they failed to grasp the gravity of their early symptoms and, as a result, they didn’t seek help as quickly as they should have." Like way to go researchers...no shit. I think everyone who has or has had cancer wishes they would have gone to the doctor earlier.
They list these "warning signs of cancer" as unexplained lumps, a change in appearance of a mole, unexplained weight loss, and get this....tiredness and dizziness.
Let me tell you researchers...
If I went to the doctors for any of these symptoms they would most likely send me home with anxiety meds because that is what they do. Oh you have a past history, of anxiety? That explains it...boom Xanax, and while we are at it, let's up your dose.
If I went to the doctor's every time I experienced tiredness or dizziness it would be smarter me to rent a room there than my actual apartment.
If I went to the doctor's and explained that I had a mysterious lump, they would send me for an x-ray, because hellloooooo America, your health care cost to damn much and your insurance doesn't cover it. And what would the X-ray show? Nothing. Because X-Rays are worth just as much as my last pint of rice at my local Chinese restaurant.
Oh and finally, stop scaring every American into having cancer.
Carry on now with your dumb research and news articles that have no meaning.
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Pregnant?
Exactly one month and 8 days post wedding and I am already fed up with the question "Are you pregnant?" For the love of Pete. No. Stop.
I mean don't get me wrong, I want children, and I wouldn't mind having them soon but in all reality think about the words that are coming out of your mouth people!! I am about to stamp my forehead before going into family events and parties with "on my period. not pregnant" just to avoid this question. It is so crazy how many times people hint that I could be pregnant with every thing I say. Like oh my shoulder has been bothering me, "welp you know you could be pregnant." Stop it!
Now I say all these things for every woman that experiences this, not just me.
1. There has only been one month that I could have maybe conceived a child since my wedding day. In fact, if you are knowledgable of the female reproductive system that is exactly like a 5-6 day window in which a woman ovulates and has the chance of getting pregnant. So the likelihood of this pregnancy assumption on your part is absurd.
2. There are people that have trouble conceiving children. How about you think about that before you ask me every single time I have a stomach ache. It could be offensive. And it could send someone to want to crawl in a hole every time you open your big "I want you to be pregnant so bad I can't control myself" mouth.
3. Let's say I was pregnant, one month and 8 days post wedding. Do you think I would tell you? I mean isn't there all these type of rules of when you can tell people just in case anything happens early on? So again, think people. Think.
4. Who is to say that I even want children? Have we discussed this before? Because I am pretty sure we haven't. I mean if you look at my life, it is not clear exactly that I am the type of person who even wants children. I love to travel, I love to party, I love to fly by the seat of my pants. I really really love my cat, and my small ass apartment. But go ahead, assume on. You are totally appropriate.
5. Did you ever think the question "Are you pregnant?" might just might make me feel like I have packed on the pounds (which I totally did) during my month long honeymoon? Jesus. I feel fat. This is offensive. Stop. I am not eating for the next three weeks.
So let's just be fair here. I promise you, when I have the exciting news that I am in fact pregnant I will tell you. I solemnly swear. But for now, and for the next few months, please please please back off and let me figure out how to be married and love my husband without your consistent, and persistent, yes, in fact Stupid Questions.
I mean don't get me wrong, I want children, and I wouldn't mind having them soon but in all reality think about the words that are coming out of your mouth people!! I am about to stamp my forehead before going into family events and parties with "on my period. not pregnant" just to avoid this question. It is so crazy how many times people hint that I could be pregnant with every thing I say. Like oh my shoulder has been bothering me, "welp you know you could be pregnant." Stop it!
Now I say all these things for every woman that experiences this, not just me.
1. There has only been one month that I could have maybe conceived a child since my wedding day. In fact, if you are knowledgable of the female reproductive system that is exactly like a 5-6 day window in which a woman ovulates and has the chance of getting pregnant. So the likelihood of this pregnancy assumption on your part is absurd.
2. There are people that have trouble conceiving children. How about you think about that before you ask me every single time I have a stomach ache. It could be offensive. And it could send someone to want to crawl in a hole every time you open your big "I want you to be pregnant so bad I can't control myself" mouth.
3. Let's say I was pregnant, one month and 8 days post wedding. Do you think I would tell you? I mean isn't there all these type of rules of when you can tell people just in case anything happens early on? So again, think people. Think.
4. Who is to say that I even want children? Have we discussed this before? Because I am pretty sure we haven't. I mean if you look at my life, it is not clear exactly that I am the type of person who even wants children. I love to travel, I love to party, I love to fly by the seat of my pants. I really really love my cat, and my small ass apartment. But go ahead, assume on. You are totally appropriate.
5. Did you ever think the question "Are you pregnant?" might just might make me feel like I have packed on the pounds (which I totally did) during my month long honeymoon? Jesus. I feel fat. This is offensive. Stop. I am not eating for the next three weeks.
So let's just be fair here. I promise you, when I have the exciting news that I am in fact pregnant I will tell you. I solemnly swear. But for now, and for the next few months, please please please back off and let me figure out how to be married and love my husband without your consistent, and persistent, yes, in fact Stupid Questions.
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
October 8th
Today marks four years since my Aunt Lisa has passed. Lisa was such an important part of my life. For those that had the opportunity to know her will understand that she had the ability to just light up a room. She was like a second mother to all of us. She loved us all with more than you can ever imagine someone can.
The fact that I am approaching my wedding day without her, without her ever knowing Steve, makes me feel a bit empty, not from sadness, but from the shadows where emptiness resides. I wish only, that he could have known her. But then I think, he does. He knows me, and I carry her with me everyday. That is comforting, just as she was to me, during all her days, even those leading to her death.
I am not typically one to grieve one's death with sadness. I learned at a very young age that people would be taken from our lives, and it is how we chose to honor these people that will always matter. Death, as I have said before, has taught me more about Life than any experiences have ever offered me. That may seem morbid to some, but it is real for me. It is what I have learned that helps me each day to go on, and to love, everything that is given to me, with a pure heart.
Sometimes that reality gets lost, but days like today, when the wind blows so freely, and my heart fills with such love, that I remember my aunts hands in mine. I remember that I have the most amazing family, and the best kind of lover, and the most supportive friends anyone could ever have. But most of all I remember that I will continue to live my life with passion, and intensity, and most importantly love.
The fact that I am approaching my wedding day without her, without her ever knowing Steve, makes me feel a bit empty, not from sadness, but from the shadows where emptiness resides. I wish only, that he could have known her. But then I think, he does. He knows me, and I carry her with me everyday. That is comforting, just as she was to me, during all her days, even those leading to her death.
I am not typically one to grieve one's death with sadness. I learned at a very young age that people would be taken from our lives, and it is how we chose to honor these people that will always matter. Death, as I have said before, has taught me more about Life than any experiences have ever offered me. That may seem morbid to some, but it is real for me. It is what I have learned that helps me each day to go on, and to love, everything that is given to me, with a pure heart.
Sometimes that reality gets lost, but days like today, when the wind blows so freely, and my heart fills with such love, that I remember my aunts hands in mine. I remember that I have the most amazing family, and the best kind of lover, and the most supportive friends anyone could ever have. But most of all I remember that I will continue to live my life with passion, and intensity, and most importantly love.
Friday, August 15, 2014
Ohhhhhhmmmm
Wow. I just realized I have not written in like 7 months. I am not exactly sure where the time has gone. I guess somewhere in between my anxiety attacks and wedding planning I have forgotten about writing. Well I am back.
Let me back up a little first to just explain a bit about my "anxiety attacks " because just saying that seems a bit dramatic. I have struggled with anxiety my whole life. As far back as I can remember I can recall feeling the overwhelming feelings, but as a child not understanding what they were. I do remember not being able to eat at restaurants, or having to pee every single time I walked into a new environment, not sleeping, or just terror of unfamiliar places. But I didn't know what it was. I just thought I was the annoying needy child that always just yearned for attention.
So 8 years ago when the real anxiety (that's what I consider it) began I was terrified. I remember being 23 years old sitting in the bathroom stall at a bar crying my eyes out, begging someone or something to give me relief from the fear, the anxiety, of just being out in public. I was unable to go anywhere. I also remember my boyfriend asking me to go to six flags, and me being like "are you crazy" I can't go somewhere like that, there are too many people, and what if I panic. What if I die? What if this and what if that?
Story of my life. What if?
I eventually got it under control with the recipe of medication and denial. And that worked for a really long time. As long as I had medication in my pocket book I could go anywhere. I could do anything because I had a safety net.
Eventually it went away for almost three years. I was living in a new city, receiving an awesome promotion, having the time of my life, forgetting about everything that ever caused me anxiety before. And guess what, I met the man of my dreams, and felt so loved, and so happy, and so much everything. I felt so so so much. And then boom, there was my long lost friend, lingering around, forcing himself right back into my life. Anxiety hit like it had never hit before.
I didn't get it. I was so happy. Why now, was this not supposed to happen to me? Was I not supposed to be happy. That was it. I didn't deserve this happiness. I didn't deserve Steve. I sure as hell didn't didn't deserve the engagement ring he put on my finger. And I was sure I didn't deserve the future I was going to have.
This is serious. These were my thoughts.
So you know what I did...I talked myself into dying. I was sure that if I was happy then I was absolutely positive it wouldn't last and I was going to die. I diagnosed myself with every cancer, every disease, under the sun. I spent every byte of my data plan looking at webmd. And I spent every last cent and then some more on medical bills, for every test and every scan I could get. I laid awake at night begging Steve to talk to me because I was sure I was not waking up the next morning.
And he stuck by me?
Eventually, I started on my journey to get this anxiety under control, sans medication. I spoke about this briefly back when I was still writing. I went to holistic doctors and started trying different things. I met my new therapist and started working. I remember during our first session she asked me what I did to relax. I could not answer this question. I went to Buddhist class to relax, I meditated, but honestly that was such a small percentage of my time that it was not enough. Plus, I was still regularly having panic attacks during each and every meditation. But I knew it would work, they said it would, so I believed. And eventually it did.
Thankfully, along with my therapy sessions, and my Buddhist classes, and meditation, I got my ass back to yoga. I remembered a time where yoga was my therapy, but I also remember the one major panic attack that led me running from the studio not to turn back. Well here I was, laying on the floor of savasana and I felt great. This was it! This was my recipe. As the tears rolled down my face I new this was the beginning. I knew I was strong enough. I could overcome this.
**I have to make a note here. In present time, I am re-visiting this blog post I tried to write weeks ago. And at the end of the sentence above I had a very intense panic attack. I had to leave work because I could not breathe. I made my fiance talk to me the entire way home because I was sure I was dying. This is how real this all is. I was so disappointed in myself, in the fact that as I was writing about how far I have come, and somehow it all came flooding back. But you know what? That is the nature of this shit. It sucks. But it is real and it is life, and I am still willing to work at it every day. Be honest with myself, and to those out there dealing with the same kind of feelings.**
I know now that anxiety cannot defeat me. As long as I have my friends, my family, energy to overcome my thoughts, my yoga community, and most importantly love I can always come out of this with experience, whether positive or negative. I will welcome tears as they fall from my eyes and sing peace, peace, peace as I am thankful for each and every day, and each and every one of you. Namaste.
Let me back up a little first to just explain a bit about my "anxiety attacks " because just saying that seems a bit dramatic. I have struggled with anxiety my whole life. As far back as I can remember I can recall feeling the overwhelming feelings, but as a child not understanding what they were. I do remember not being able to eat at restaurants, or having to pee every single time I walked into a new environment, not sleeping, or just terror of unfamiliar places. But I didn't know what it was. I just thought I was the annoying needy child that always just yearned for attention.
So 8 years ago when the real anxiety (that's what I consider it) began I was terrified. I remember being 23 years old sitting in the bathroom stall at a bar crying my eyes out, begging someone or something to give me relief from the fear, the anxiety, of just being out in public. I was unable to go anywhere. I also remember my boyfriend asking me to go to six flags, and me being like "are you crazy" I can't go somewhere like that, there are too many people, and what if I panic. What if I die? What if this and what if that?
Story of my life. What if?
I eventually got it under control with the recipe of medication and denial. And that worked for a really long time. As long as I had medication in my pocket book I could go anywhere. I could do anything because I had a safety net.
Eventually it went away for almost three years. I was living in a new city, receiving an awesome promotion, having the time of my life, forgetting about everything that ever caused me anxiety before. And guess what, I met the man of my dreams, and felt so loved, and so happy, and so much everything. I felt so so so much. And then boom, there was my long lost friend, lingering around, forcing himself right back into my life. Anxiety hit like it had never hit before.
I didn't get it. I was so happy. Why now, was this not supposed to happen to me? Was I not supposed to be happy. That was it. I didn't deserve this happiness. I didn't deserve Steve. I sure as hell didn't didn't deserve the engagement ring he put on my finger. And I was sure I didn't deserve the future I was going to have.
This is serious. These were my thoughts.
So you know what I did...I talked myself into dying. I was sure that if I was happy then I was absolutely positive it wouldn't last and I was going to die. I diagnosed myself with every cancer, every disease, under the sun. I spent every byte of my data plan looking at webmd. And I spent every last cent and then some more on medical bills, for every test and every scan I could get. I laid awake at night begging Steve to talk to me because I was sure I was not waking up the next morning.
And he stuck by me?
Eventually, I started on my journey to get this anxiety under control, sans medication. I spoke about this briefly back when I was still writing. I went to holistic doctors and started trying different things. I met my new therapist and started working. I remember during our first session she asked me what I did to relax. I could not answer this question. I went to Buddhist class to relax, I meditated, but honestly that was such a small percentage of my time that it was not enough. Plus, I was still regularly having panic attacks during each and every meditation. But I knew it would work, they said it would, so I believed. And eventually it did.
Thankfully, along with my therapy sessions, and my Buddhist classes, and meditation, I got my ass back to yoga. I remembered a time where yoga was my therapy, but I also remember the one major panic attack that led me running from the studio not to turn back. Well here I was, laying on the floor of savasana and I felt great. This was it! This was my recipe. As the tears rolled down my face I new this was the beginning. I knew I was strong enough. I could overcome this.
**I have to make a note here. In present time, I am re-visiting this blog post I tried to write weeks ago. And at the end of the sentence above I had a very intense panic attack. I had to leave work because I could not breathe. I made my fiance talk to me the entire way home because I was sure I was dying. This is how real this all is. I was so disappointed in myself, in the fact that as I was writing about how far I have come, and somehow it all came flooding back. But you know what? That is the nature of this shit. It sucks. But it is real and it is life, and I am still willing to work at it every day. Be honest with myself, and to those out there dealing with the same kind of feelings.**
I know now that anxiety cannot defeat me. As long as I have my friends, my family, energy to overcome my thoughts, my yoga community, and most importantly love I can always come out of this with experience, whether positive or negative. I will welcome tears as they fall from my eyes and sing peace, peace, peace as I am thankful for each and every day, and each and every one of you. Namaste.
Friday, July 25, 2014
Wedding Etiquette. The Un-Official Bride.Zilla. version
So a friend of mine asked me today if I could teach her about weddings (and I love you so much) because she was unsure what the etiquette was for gifts. It was a bit awkward since I knew she was asking specifically for mine, but hey I ultimately love her even more, that she didn't take a chance, and somehow royally annoy me. Which probably would be impossible for her to do, but you know what I am saying.
This whole wedding thing is a fiasco. Let me just say that. I am ultimately happy that I chose to do it the traditional ((invite your whole fucking world)) way but I got to say, shit is annoying. I have mad respect for all those that did not completely lose your shit during this process. With the constant mixture of meditation, yoga, drinking, and therapy, I am able to maintain my cool about 24 hours out of any given week.
And let me just say before any of you go saying "you self righteous bitch," that I am more than appreciative for those that are helping me through this. And for those making this difficult, you suck big time.
I was reading this wedding etiquette thing on Huffington Post after my friend asked me this question. I already knew most of these rules because I have been to 734 weddings in about 10 years, but I thought it would be fun to put my little spin on it. And potentially I can hope to save one more person from sending me into any sort of "you get on my nerves" rage. So here goes.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/06/17/wedding-etiquette-the-dos_n_879354.html
Do's
1. RSVP -- Please do this. Please. I am so very sorry for all those people I failed to do this for. We will be sending you something special in the next couple of years once I recover from the debt I am putting myself in.
2. Ceremony -- If you were invited to the wedding, and don't feel like showing up for the ceremony...NO one will even care. Or notice. Show up with your drinking face on.
If you are going to flip that and only show up for the ceremony, please RSVP that you are not coming. We really don't feel like paying for your attendance if you are not going to eat and drink your fill.
3. Dress Code -- Wear whatever you want. Whatever makes you happy. I don't even care if you wear white, but other bitches will trust me. They will talk about you all night. So you might not want to. Only rule is, don't try to look better than we will, because you will spend the rest of the night disappointed.
4. Arrival -- Arrive at the Ceremony on time. And by Ceremony I mean open bar starts immediately after ceremony. Cool. Thanks for coming, I totally noticed in my panic attack haze that you were even there.
5. Send a gift even if you don't come -- Shit this is a new rule for me. I mean I want to agree because that will put more money back in my pocket, but really? Nah. If you RSVP you are NOT coming then, please you just saved two of us money. If you RSVP YES and don't show up, you better send a gift or we will seek vengeance.
6. Registry Gifts/Wedding Gifts -- Yes please buy from the registry. One does not spend 3 hrs in Target doing this for nothing. But if you want to surprise me with something different. Feel free to do that as well. I am down with it. Just include the receipt, just in case it doesn't match the curtains I have in my house that does not exist (yet).
If you come to the wedding, I am sorry to inform you...you should bring a gift to the actual wedding. You have a year (i think) to do this.
7. Assigned seats -- Just accept your table arrangement. You will be there for like 15 min tops. My caterer promised to have everyone fed in under 15 min. If you want to squeeze in with your BFF at the next table, no one cares. Go ahead. Just put that table number card in your pocket and keep it breezy.
8. See below, #1. Read it a couple times.
Don'ts
1. Uninvited Guests -- Don't add any fucking guests. If you receive an invitation with just your name on it, you are NOT invited with a guest. And this does not give you free range to invite your neighbors cousin who you think is hot to our wedding. And don't act like you didn't know this was a rule.
And if for some reason, you slip by with getting your uninvited guest to the wedding, they better bring us a gift too. And chocolate. I like dark. He really likes cookies. That should be enough to make up for it.
Just to clarify. Your invitation will either say John Doe or John Doe and Guest. The latter means you are invited with a guest.
2. Yes, the no guest applies to your kid(s). Your children will get an invitation if they are invited. Which, in this case means, unless your children are the age of 21 don't bank on it.
3. Don't dress to compete -- see above Dress Code
4. Don't disrespect the couples religious or cultural traditions -- if you have a problem with partying or being awesome, well don't judge, I am sorry for you.
5. Don't be all about your wedding -- What? That't totally going to happen. It's cool. Just as long as you are enjoying yourself while remembering yours, what is the harm. I am confident in ours. We got this in the bag.
6. Don't use your phone -- Again, what? Use your phone. However, being a photographer, we have chosen to ask guests to refrain from using their phone for pictures during ceremony. Because we are paying our lovely photographers with a whole lot of love (and $$) to do this for us. Let them do their job for 15 min tops...promise.
7. Don't leave before the cake is cut -- Translation : Do not leave before your feet hurt.
8. Don't share wedding photos yet -- Hahahahahahah yea ok. This is 2014. Free range my friends.
And Finally. (this is an add on)
9. Do not fight with anyone at the wedding -- This includes your whiskey raging alter self. NO Fighting. Only love. Only LOVE. Love.
Can't wait to see you all there.
This whole wedding thing is a fiasco. Let me just say that. I am ultimately happy that I chose to do it the traditional ((invite your whole fucking world)) way but I got to say, shit is annoying. I have mad respect for all those that did not completely lose your shit during this process. With the constant mixture of meditation, yoga, drinking, and therapy, I am able to maintain my cool about 24 hours out of any given week.
And let me just say before any of you go saying "you self righteous bitch," that I am more than appreciative for those that are helping me through this. And for those making this difficult, you suck big time.
I was reading this wedding etiquette thing on Huffington Post after my friend asked me this question. I already knew most of these rules because I have been to 734 weddings in about 10 years, but I thought it would be fun to put my little spin on it. And potentially I can hope to save one more person from sending me into any sort of "you get on my nerves" rage. So here goes.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/06/17/wedding-etiquette-the-dos_n_879354.html
Do's
1. RSVP -- Please do this. Please. I am so very sorry for all those people I failed to do this for. We will be sending you something special in the next couple of years once I recover from the debt I am putting myself in.
2. Ceremony -- If you were invited to the wedding, and don't feel like showing up for the ceremony...NO one will even care. Or notice. Show up with your drinking face on.
If you are going to flip that and only show up for the ceremony, please RSVP that you are not coming. We really don't feel like paying for your attendance if you are not going to eat and drink your fill.
3. Dress Code -- Wear whatever you want. Whatever makes you happy. I don't even care if you wear white, but other bitches will trust me. They will talk about you all night. So you might not want to. Only rule is, don't try to look better than we will, because you will spend the rest of the night disappointed.
4. Arrival -- Arrive at the Ceremony on time. And by Ceremony I mean open bar starts immediately after ceremony. Cool. Thanks for coming, I totally noticed in my panic attack haze that you were even there.
5. Send a gift even if you don't come -- Shit this is a new rule for me. I mean I want to agree because that will put more money back in my pocket, but really? Nah. If you RSVP you are NOT coming then, please you just saved two of us money. If you RSVP YES and don't show up, you better send a gift or we will seek vengeance.
6. Registry Gifts/Wedding Gifts -- Yes please buy from the registry. One does not spend 3 hrs in Target doing this for nothing. But if you want to surprise me with something different. Feel free to do that as well. I am down with it. Just include the receipt, just in case it doesn't match the curtains I have in my house that does not exist (yet).
If you come to the wedding, I am sorry to inform you...you should bring a gift to the actual wedding. You have a year (i think) to do this.
7. Assigned seats -- Just accept your table arrangement. You will be there for like 15 min tops. My caterer promised to have everyone fed in under 15 min. If you want to squeeze in with your BFF at the next table, no one cares. Go ahead. Just put that table number card in your pocket and keep it breezy.
8. See below, #1. Read it a couple times.
Don'ts
1. Uninvited Guests -- Don't add any fucking guests. If you receive an invitation with just your name on it, you are NOT invited with a guest. And this does not give you free range to invite your neighbors cousin who you think is hot to our wedding. And don't act like you didn't know this was a rule.
And if for some reason, you slip by with getting your uninvited guest to the wedding, they better bring us a gift too. And chocolate. I like dark. He really likes cookies. That should be enough to make up for it.
Just to clarify. Your invitation will either say John Doe or John Doe and Guest. The latter means you are invited with a guest.
2. Yes, the no guest applies to your kid(s). Your children will get an invitation if they are invited. Which, in this case means, unless your children are the age of 21 don't bank on it.
3. Don't dress to compete -- see above Dress Code
4. Don't disrespect the couples religious or cultural traditions -- if you have a problem with partying or being awesome, well don't judge, I am sorry for you.
5. Don't be all about your wedding -- What? That't totally going to happen. It's cool. Just as long as you are enjoying yourself while remembering yours, what is the harm. I am confident in ours. We got this in the bag.
6. Don't use your phone -- Again, what? Use your phone. However, being a photographer, we have chosen to ask guests to refrain from using their phone for pictures during ceremony. Because we are paying our lovely photographers with a whole lot of love (and $$) to do this for us. Let them do their job for 15 min tops...promise.
7. Don't leave before the cake is cut -- Translation : Do not leave before your feet hurt.
8. Don't share wedding photos yet -- Hahahahahahah yea ok. This is 2014. Free range my friends.
And Finally. (this is an add on)
9. Do not fight with anyone at the wedding -- This includes your whiskey raging alter self. NO Fighting. Only love. Only LOVE. Love.
Can't wait to see you all there.
Friday, December 13, 2013
Pyrography
Don't ask me where I got the interest in Pyrography, burning wood, but it just came to me. I think honestly I needed some other form of artistic outlet besides photography for a while. Anyways, I bought myself a nice little Versatool and am prepared to teach myself the in's and out's of this game.
The Versatool I got at AC Moore and it was quite inexpensive for something so incredibly cool. And with so many parts involved.
It came with the actual wood burning tool and then all the different points. One of the points included was a photo transfer which will be super beneficial down the line.
I bought some practice wood at AC Moore as well and printed some stencils free online. Here is step by step of how it worked.
1. Printed Free Stencils, make sure you do this on xerox or a printer that uses toner.
2. Heated up Versatool with the photo transfer point attached, but not too much because it would burn the paper.
3. Attached stencil face down on wood and began rubbing semi hot tool over it in circular motions. Numerous times.
4. Once the stencil was transferred I carefully switch my attachment to the universal point.
5. From there I began tracing, very lightly over the stencil. It was a bit messy and difficult but I will continue to practice.
Here is my outcome.
The Versatool I got at AC Moore and it was quite inexpensive for something so incredibly cool. And with so many parts involved.
It came with the actual wood burning tool and then all the different points. One of the points included was a photo transfer which will be super beneficial down the line.
I bought some practice wood at AC Moore as well and printed some stencils free online. Here is step by step of how it worked.
1. Printed Free Stencils, make sure you do this on xerox or a printer that uses toner.
2. Heated up Versatool with the photo transfer point attached, but not too much because it would burn the paper.
3. Attached stencil face down on wood and began rubbing semi hot tool over it in circular motions. Numerous times.
4. Once the stencil was transferred I carefully switch my attachment to the universal point.
5. From there I began tracing, very lightly over the stencil. It was a bit messy and difficult but I will continue to practice.
Here is my outcome.
I am quite proud of myself considering how difficult it is to actually hold the tool. I thought it would be much easier. I practiced some more last night and I might have gotten worse. But I will keep trying. It is relaxing and it smells good.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Friday Night Bites
Steve and I decided to brave the disgusting weather this Friday (after both skipping the gym) and head out for a nice dinner. We decided to try Mi Lah Vegetarian on 16th and Locust. I have wanted to go to Mi Lah Vegetarian for about three years now. It always comes up on my Yelp search list. However something about Mi Lah, probably the uninviting (or lack there of) decor. I had this idea that it was just a vegetarian buffet or something, and buffets creep me out. After Steve's suggestion I decided it was time, let's just try this out.
OHhhhhh.emm.G. Ridiculous. It was so so so so so good.
And everything is vegan/vegetarian and most items can be made gluten free. I was in my glory. I had so many options. Typically, I have one maybe two options at every (non-vegan) restaurant. How was I going to decide!!!
I had the Grilled Marinated Tofu in Red Wine and Cranberry Sauce with plantains and fingerling potatoes
While Steve had the Roated Brussel Sprouts with Butternut Squash and Potato Cashew Gratin in a lemon buerre blanc
Both we simply amazing and I highly recommend this restaurant. I cannot wait to go back. Oh an if you are vegan and living in Philly, they have Vegan Beignets on Sundays. Seriously.
OHhhhhh.emm.G. Ridiculous. It was so so so so so good.
And everything is vegan/vegetarian and most items can be made gluten free. I was in my glory. I had so many options. Typically, I have one maybe two options at every (non-vegan) restaurant. How was I going to decide!!!
I had the Grilled Marinated Tofu in Red Wine and Cranberry Sauce with plantains and fingerling potatoes
While Steve had the Roated Brussel Sprouts with Butternut Squash and Potato Cashew Gratin in a lemon buerre blanc
Both we simply amazing and I highly recommend this restaurant. I cannot wait to go back. Oh an if you are vegan and living in Philly, they have Vegan Beignets on Sundays. Seriously.
Friday, December 6, 2013
Cauliflower Rice
Last night was my first attempt with Cauliflower Rice. Rice is honestly one of my most favorite things to eat so it was hard to eliminate from my diet. I am okay to eat Brown Rice but I am still trying to stay as grain free as I can.
There are so many different things you can do with Cauliflower Rice. I chose to have mine hot and simple because I cooked a bunch of veggies to go along with it.
Here is what I used...and I used a bit too much garlic (and I am a garlic freak) so you might want to cut it in half.
1 head of Cauliflower (feeds about four in total)
2 cloves of garlic
salt and pepper to taste
A handful of cilantro
1 Tsp of smoked paprika
1.5 Tbsp of Olive Oil
Honestly all I did was pick the cauliflower off the head and put it in my food processor. And added everything. I chopped up the stuff really quick, because you can't let it get too food processed or it will be not "rice" like.
Mine came out more like couscous but that was fine with me.
I added a bunch of veggies with it :: zucchini, onions, mushrooms, celery.
For my mans...I cooked all the remaining meats from Thanksgiving that were in our fridge. I really hate wasting any type of food regardless of what it is. Luckily both he and I are not opposed to mixing a ton of random shit together at any moment. That actually is how I cook majority of the time. He is constantly surprised with how I make a complete full meal when there is barely anything in our fridge.
Turkey, Chicken, and Brisket. I chopped them all up added a tiny bit of Vegan Mayo (I know go figure but he is obsessed with it) and cooked it all together. He said it was amazing, but I would never know :)
I will be altering this recipe over and over again and might start living off of cauliflower.
There are so many different things you can do with Cauliflower Rice. I chose to have mine hot and simple because I cooked a bunch of veggies to go along with it.
Here is what I used...and I used a bit too much garlic (and I am a garlic freak) so you might want to cut it in half.
1 head of Cauliflower (feeds about four in total)
2 cloves of garlic
salt and pepper to taste
A handful of cilantro
1 Tsp of smoked paprika
1.5 Tbsp of Olive Oil
Honestly all I did was pick the cauliflower off the head and put it in my food processor. And added everything. I chopped up the stuff really quick, because you can't let it get too food processed or it will be not "rice" like.
Mine came out more like couscous but that was fine with me.
I added a bunch of veggies with it :: zucchini, onions, mushrooms, celery.
For my mans...I cooked all the remaining meats from Thanksgiving that were in our fridge. I really hate wasting any type of food regardless of what it is. Luckily both he and I are not opposed to mixing a ton of random shit together at any moment. That actually is how I cook majority of the time. He is constantly surprised with how I make a complete full meal when there is barely anything in our fridge.
Turkey, Chicken, and Brisket. I chopped them all up added a tiny bit of Vegan Mayo (I know go figure but he is obsessed with it) and cooked it all together. He said it was amazing, but I would never know :)
I will be altering this recipe over and over again and might start living off of cauliflower.
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Gua Sha
Last night I returned to the Wellness Center for my acupuncture appt with Cheryl. I had a lot to say, especially after my gluten free disappointment had hit an all time high. I needed to tell her I felt like shit and that I was ready to not feel this way anymore.
So I arrive and immediately tell her I feel like crap. My appointment with her two weeks ago for acupuncture was cancelled and now I have been without it for four weeks. She informed me that my over indulgence in gluten over the holiday was my "lesson" and I should use it as a tool to stay on track. Yea most definitely. I will, I promise.
I talked to her a bit about my rib pain. For those that don't know, and you should be glad I haven't complained to you, I have had this chronic rib pain for about 6 months now. Sometimes it is worse than others but all together it is just annoying. It is not a pain that I cannot live with, but it is more so just always there, it hurts to touch, to move in certain ways, and most certainly to stretch. Hugging someone was even painful at times.
Let me just explain to you what I have experienced with this rib....
At first I thought my rib hurt because I was sleeping on a new bed, and it did not have a mattress pad. So after shopping around for the best of the best mattress pad, I bought one. It was no help. I still had pain.
Then I was convinced I had a tumor. Cause that is what I do...naturally.
So I went to the doctors. The doctor told me it was anxiety and stress. Like usual. And I left with two different prescriptions to up the doses on my Xanax. The doctor insisted on increasing my dose on my Xanax even though I explained to her I don't even take the ones she originally prescribed to me. She suggested I take the pills and relax.
So I did. And I was wasted and felt little to nothing. Felt good for a bit. But it returned.
I went back to the doctors. Told her again. She sends me for X-Rays and an UltraSound. I get both. Both are perfectly normal. But anyway...all results were normal.
$1400 in medical bills and a mattress pad later I was left with no explanation. And now just beginning to think I was just crazy.
So it continued. And it was hard to do certain things at the gym, or sleep on my stomach, and even hug my fiance. I was constant complaining about this stupid ass rib. I was annoyed I had no idea what was going on and what I could do for this thing.
But mostly I wanted to stop diagnosing my self with a serious life threatening illness. If you could even see the search results on my browsing history you would die. From laughter.
I tell Cheryl about my rib pain, and its like its no big thing. She touches my stomach and is like yea I feel some knots in there. Let me do some Gua Sha.
"Some WHAT?!"
Next thing you know I am getting Gua Sha. She is like "ohhhhh yea, you got an old injury in here" Look she says. I look down and my entire stomach is like red and looks like a serious skin rash/bruise. She says, "when you have an injury your stomach turns red like this, otherwise it would just be pink from the little rubbing I am doing."
I am fascinated. I didn't even feel anything. It just felt like she is rubbing a cap to a jar smoothly over my skin. This cannot work.
So we will see if it does. Right now it feels entirely different. It is just sore like a bruise, and entirely different feeling from before.
And here's the link to Gua Sha if you want to take a read.
http://www.delvalacupuncture.com/CherylsSite3/Gua%20Sha.htm
Crossing my fingers.
So I arrive and immediately tell her I feel like crap. My appointment with her two weeks ago for acupuncture was cancelled and now I have been without it for four weeks. She informed me that my over indulgence in gluten over the holiday was my "lesson" and I should use it as a tool to stay on track. Yea most definitely. I will, I promise.
I talked to her a bit about my rib pain. For those that don't know, and you should be glad I haven't complained to you, I have had this chronic rib pain for about 6 months now. Sometimes it is worse than others but all together it is just annoying. It is not a pain that I cannot live with, but it is more so just always there, it hurts to touch, to move in certain ways, and most certainly to stretch. Hugging someone was even painful at times.
Let me just explain to you what I have experienced with this rib....
At first I thought my rib hurt because I was sleeping on a new bed, and it did not have a mattress pad. So after shopping around for the best of the best mattress pad, I bought one. It was no help. I still had pain.
Then I was convinced I had a tumor. Cause that is what I do...naturally.
So I went to the doctors. The doctor told me it was anxiety and stress. Like usual. And I left with two different prescriptions to up the doses on my Xanax. The doctor insisted on increasing my dose on my Xanax even though I explained to her I don't even take the ones she originally prescribed to me. She suggested I take the pills and relax.
So I did. And I was wasted and felt little to nothing. Felt good for a bit. But it returned.
I went back to the doctors. Told her again. She sends me for X-Rays and an UltraSound. I get both. Both are perfectly normal. But anyway...all results were normal.
$1400 in medical bills and a mattress pad later I was left with no explanation. And now just beginning to think I was just crazy.
So it continued. And it was hard to do certain things at the gym, or sleep on my stomach, and even hug my fiance. I was constant complaining about this stupid ass rib. I was annoyed I had no idea what was going on and what I could do for this thing.
But mostly I wanted to stop diagnosing my self with a serious life threatening illness. If you could even see the search results on my browsing history you would die. From laughter.
I tell Cheryl about my rib pain, and its like its no big thing. She touches my stomach and is like yea I feel some knots in there. Let me do some Gua Sha.
"Some WHAT?!"
Next thing you know I am getting Gua Sha. She is like "ohhhhh yea, you got an old injury in here" Look she says. I look down and my entire stomach is like red and looks like a serious skin rash/bruise. She says, "when you have an injury your stomach turns red like this, otherwise it would just be pink from the little rubbing I am doing."
I am fascinated. I didn't even feel anything. It just felt like she is rubbing a cap to a jar smoothly over my skin. This cannot work.
So we will see if it does. Right now it feels entirely different. It is just sore like a bruise, and entirely different feeling from before.
And here's the link to Gua Sha if you want to take a read.
http://www.delvalacupuncture.com/CherylsSite3/Gua%20Sha.htm
Crossing my fingers.
This is what it looked like after Gua Sha
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Wheat Envy
So this whole gluten free deal, yea well I don't like it. I have really been struggling with it. Especially over these holidays. I developed this mentality that maybe if I just follow the no gluten thing "most of the time" I would be fine. Well yea, I will be physically living yes, and that is fine, but I will be in pain. And lots of it.
I keep referring back to the fact that I used to eat all these things and it was okay. But I tend to forget that I was constantly feeling crappy. And after detoxing from gluten for a couple weeks and seeing how great I felt, I should not be okay with having this "most of the time" mentality.
This holiday I over indulged in plenty of foods that included wheat. Even though I thought I did pretty well, the affects of it are not pretty. I am still recovering. Almost a week and I am just about free from indigestion, cramps, and bloating. I have all these aches and pains throughout my body. I constantly think, hey I worked out too hard at the gym, or hey I am just overly stressed, when really it could just be the affects of my lack of dedication to MY healthy eating habits. The more and more I read about the negative affects of gluten the more it resonates that this is why I feel crappy. I have a medical professional tell me I have an intolerance for a specific food and I continue to remain in denial about it. I continue to make excuses. And I certainly, continue to feel crappy.
NO MORE.
(and still in my head I think, "well maybe just sometimes")
I am going to use this blog to document my struggles with this and my journey towards being strong and feeling healthy. All these other "wheat free" blogs are so inspirational but sometimes I feel like, "don't you ever mess up" and "how do you live this way all of the time?"
As a vegan, it is even more difficult (I think) to eliminate gluten. I mean what the hell else is there left for me to eat. And it actually makes me sort of angry inside. I have thought about adding some animal products (such as eggs) back in to my life to make it easier, but it makes me really uncomfortable still. I still think about this daily, but I am not there yet.
Oh and on a side note...my fiance found out he is allergic to gluten as well. Which seems great right? We can live this hell together?? Not so fast. He decided that with this whole gluten hell thing, he is going to try out the Paleo diet. And it makes me want to crawl into a ball and cry. And cry some more. How can this be, how can this even work? Why me, why me? Over and over and over again.
But I am living, and for that I should feel thankful. And not pissed off at the world because wheat makes me feel horrible. It honestly is not the end of the world. And even though sometimes I might feel like it is, life will go on without it.
So here I will be documenting, and struggling, and winning, and probably struggling some more. But at least this can be my motivation to be a Super Stellar Healthy Eater/Blogger that rarely makes mistakes...Paleo and Vegan and Gluten free.
Wish me luck.
Here is a quick and easy test to get an idea if gluten is affecting your health
http://www.doctoroz.com/videos/gluten-sensitivity-self-test
And if you think it is please make an appt with Cheryl Broad for Allergy Testing here
http://www.artofwellnesscenter.com/
And if you then are hit with the worst news ever (according to me) here are some websites that have really helped me so far.
Against All Grain http://www.againstallgrain.com/
Wheat-Free http://www.wheat-free.org/
Inspiralized http://www.inspiralized.com/
*** soon to be the basis of my whole existence once I receive my new spiralizer in the mail***
Food Babe http://foodbabe.com/
I keep referring back to the fact that I used to eat all these things and it was okay. But I tend to forget that I was constantly feeling crappy. And after detoxing from gluten for a couple weeks and seeing how great I felt, I should not be okay with having this "most of the time" mentality.
This holiday I over indulged in plenty of foods that included wheat. Even though I thought I did pretty well, the affects of it are not pretty. I am still recovering. Almost a week and I am just about free from indigestion, cramps, and bloating. I have all these aches and pains throughout my body. I constantly think, hey I worked out too hard at the gym, or hey I am just overly stressed, when really it could just be the affects of my lack of dedication to MY healthy eating habits. The more and more I read about the negative affects of gluten the more it resonates that this is why I feel crappy. I have a medical professional tell me I have an intolerance for a specific food and I continue to remain in denial about it. I continue to make excuses. And I certainly, continue to feel crappy.
NO MORE.
(and still in my head I think, "well maybe just sometimes")
I am going to use this blog to document my struggles with this and my journey towards being strong and feeling healthy. All these other "wheat free" blogs are so inspirational but sometimes I feel like, "don't you ever mess up" and "how do you live this way all of the time?"
As a vegan, it is even more difficult (I think) to eliminate gluten. I mean what the hell else is there left for me to eat. And it actually makes me sort of angry inside. I have thought about adding some animal products (such as eggs) back in to my life to make it easier, but it makes me really uncomfortable still. I still think about this daily, but I am not there yet.
Oh and on a side note...my fiance found out he is allergic to gluten as well. Which seems great right? We can live this hell together?? Not so fast. He decided that with this whole gluten hell thing, he is going to try out the Paleo diet. And it makes me want to crawl into a ball and cry. And cry some more. How can this be, how can this even work? Why me, why me? Over and over and over again.
But I am living, and for that I should feel thankful. And not pissed off at the world because wheat makes me feel horrible. It honestly is not the end of the world. And even though sometimes I might feel like it is, life will go on without it.
So here I will be documenting, and struggling, and winning, and probably struggling some more. But at least this can be my motivation to be a Super Stellar Healthy Eater/Blogger that rarely makes mistakes...Paleo and Vegan and Gluten free.
Wish me luck.
This is actually how we feel
Here is a quick and easy test to get an idea if gluten is affecting your health
http://www.doctoroz.com/videos/gluten-sensitivity-self-test
And if you think it is please make an appt with Cheryl Broad for Allergy Testing here
http://www.artofwellnesscenter.com/
And if you then are hit with the worst news ever (according to me) here are some websites that have really helped me so far.
Against All Grain http://www.againstallgrain.com/
Wheat-Free http://www.wheat-free.org/
Inspiralized http://www.inspiralized.com/
*** soon to be the basis of my whole existence once I receive my new spiralizer in the mail***
Food Babe http://foodbabe.com/
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Art of Wellness
So thanks to Fran, I was able to go to my first appointment at the Art of Wellness yesterday. Fran bought me a gift card for my birthday because 1. she really enjoyed her own appointment, and 2. because my body has been extremely out of WACK lately.
For those of you that know me well, and I guess those that don't, I have been experiencing a tremendous amount of anxiety in the past four-five months. I've tried to blame it on just about anything and everything, and have spent countless hours trying to figure out my triggers. The craziest thing is that I should be the happiest I have ever been in my life, but for some reason at times I feel exactly everything but that. It is a constant battle for me.
Since I have been a child I have always been a worrier. And in turn, have always felt sick. I go through rough periods of these feelings, which are far worse than others, but ultimately I never exactly feel okay. I go through mixtures of remedies and techniques to battle this anxiety but somehow it always finds it way back to me. Happy or sad, somehow it always creeps back in. I treat my anxiety like a really super annoying friend. Someone who shows up just a the most inappropriate moment begging for attention. And who just will not go away.
I listen to friends, family, co-workers, doctors, gurus, strangers, anyone who will give me advice to fight this craphole of a friend. Sometimes suggestions work, sometimes they don't, but somehow, like I said it all comes back to me at some point. There's periods where I feel like giving up on learning to live with this shit, and other times where I am determined to find the best ways to fight back hard against it.
Recurring Cycle.
But anyway, back to the point. I went to this Allergy Testing appointment. I really did not know exactly what to expect nor if I really believed this testing would even feel accurate or justifiable to me. I mean really, how can a metal stick and energy waves tell you what your body can and can't handle. And how in the world was that going to help my anxiety? I barely eat anything that is not good for my body. If I cut anything else out you could basically categorize me as a bunny (which I am fine with). And again, what the hell does this have to do with my aches, and pains, and most importantly my mental status?
Welllll...let me tell you this test was fantastic. And I left with soooo much insight and so much hope for a life without this annoying friend. I learned that I in fact am not crazy, and surprisingly my brain is functioning rather well. Rather, I have one of those "chemical imbalances" they talk about. Talk chemicals or science for that matter to me and I check right the fuck out. Not listening, don't understand. Just tell me what I can do to fix it. And don't shove Zoloft and Xanax down my throat, even though, they sometimes may be rather enjoyable. But not for me ultimately.
So let's do this the homeopathic way...I am in. I understand NOW that my body is not producing enough serotonin, and without this it makes it difficult for me to fight these bouts of anxiety. I know that because I lack serotonin my body has a hard time escaping that fight or flight mode, and in turn my heart palpitations and inability to deal with stressful situations are inevitable. It finally makes sense. I get it now. And now I can work on fixing it through acupuncture and serotonin doses.
That's it? Really? But yea...
I have so much hope. And I am more than thankful I had the opportunity to be introduced to the wellness center. I am confident this is the way, and I hope my experience through this will help others to see that prescription depression/anxiety medications are not the only way to go.
I mean, anyone can do this really. It's a matter of making it happen actually. Which I am glad I finally did. I got home and told Steve all about it. He says, at the end of my rant, "give me a hug, come here." What? Why? What did I do? "I'm proud of you" he says. And you know what? He's right, I should be proud of me. I really kinda am. I've been talking about it (and now writing) all damn day.
OHhhh and on a complete side note: I also found out I am allergic to gluten. Which sucks far worse than I could ever imagine. But I will deal with that on its own. I mean we live in a Gluten Free World these days. And I am determined to get my body to learn how to break it down, so one day I can eat all the pasta I could ever want. I am only on day one about 6 hrs into my gluten detox, so I am sure we will revisit this in about 24 hours when my longing for bagels and skinny sticks meets its max.
If anyone in the Philadelphia area would like to go to one of these appts I highly suggest checking out Cheryl at www.theartofwellnesscenter.com.
And if you need some guidance on how to deal with anxiety, I am sure I have just about every suggestion for you. Just give me a call. I'll be sure to talk you through the worst of the worst kind of panic attacks.
With love.
Your chemically unbalanced gluten allergenic freak.
For those of you that know me well, and I guess those that don't, I have been experiencing a tremendous amount of anxiety in the past four-five months. I've tried to blame it on just about anything and everything, and have spent countless hours trying to figure out my triggers. The craziest thing is that I should be the happiest I have ever been in my life, but for some reason at times I feel exactly everything but that. It is a constant battle for me.
Since I have been a child I have always been a worrier. And in turn, have always felt sick. I go through rough periods of these feelings, which are far worse than others, but ultimately I never exactly feel okay. I go through mixtures of remedies and techniques to battle this anxiety but somehow it always finds it way back to me. Happy or sad, somehow it always creeps back in. I treat my anxiety like a really super annoying friend. Someone who shows up just a the most inappropriate moment begging for attention. And who just will not go away.
I listen to friends, family, co-workers, doctors, gurus, strangers, anyone who will give me advice to fight this craphole of a friend. Sometimes suggestions work, sometimes they don't, but somehow, like I said it all comes back to me at some point. There's periods where I feel like giving up on learning to live with this shit, and other times where I am determined to find the best ways to fight back hard against it.
Recurring Cycle.
But anyway, back to the point. I went to this Allergy Testing appointment. I really did not know exactly what to expect nor if I really believed this testing would even feel accurate or justifiable to me. I mean really, how can a metal stick and energy waves tell you what your body can and can't handle. And how in the world was that going to help my anxiety? I barely eat anything that is not good for my body. If I cut anything else out you could basically categorize me as a bunny (which I am fine with). And again, what the hell does this have to do with my aches, and pains, and most importantly my mental status?
Welllll...let me tell you this test was fantastic. And I left with soooo much insight and so much hope for a life without this annoying friend. I learned that I in fact am not crazy, and surprisingly my brain is functioning rather well. Rather, I have one of those "chemical imbalances" they talk about. Talk chemicals or science for that matter to me and I check right the fuck out. Not listening, don't understand. Just tell me what I can do to fix it. And don't shove Zoloft and Xanax down my throat, even though, they sometimes may be rather enjoyable. But not for me ultimately.
So let's do this the homeopathic way...I am in. I understand NOW that my body is not producing enough serotonin, and without this it makes it difficult for me to fight these bouts of anxiety. I know that because I lack serotonin my body has a hard time escaping that fight or flight mode, and in turn my heart palpitations and inability to deal with stressful situations are inevitable. It finally makes sense. I get it now. And now I can work on fixing it through acupuncture and serotonin doses.
That's it? Really? But yea...
I have so much hope. And I am more than thankful I had the opportunity to be introduced to the wellness center. I am confident this is the way, and I hope my experience through this will help others to see that prescription depression/anxiety medications are not the only way to go.
I mean, anyone can do this really. It's a matter of making it happen actually. Which I am glad I finally did. I got home and told Steve all about it. He says, at the end of my rant, "give me a hug, come here." What? Why? What did I do? "I'm proud of you" he says. And you know what? He's right, I should be proud of me. I really kinda am. I've been talking about it (and now writing) all damn day.
OHhhh and on a complete side note: I also found out I am allergic to gluten. Which sucks far worse than I could ever imagine. But I will deal with that on its own. I mean we live in a Gluten Free World these days. And I am determined to get my body to learn how to break it down, so one day I can eat all the pasta I could ever want. I am only on day one about 6 hrs into my gluten detox, so I am sure we will revisit this in about 24 hours when my longing for bagels and skinny sticks meets its max.
If anyone in the Philadelphia area would like to go to one of these appts I highly suggest checking out Cheryl at www.theartofwellnesscenter.com.
And if you need some guidance on how to deal with anxiety, I am sure I have just about every suggestion for you. Just give me a call. I'll be sure to talk you through the worst of the worst kind of panic attacks.
With love.
Your chemically unbalanced gluten allergenic freak.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Hey hey, I am back
Okay so I haven't written on this thing in so so long. Between photography work and my insane work schedule I have not much time to do anything. But recently I have felt like I have so much to write about and no where to put it. I felt like I had abandoned this thing, and it wasn't right to just pick it back up, but then I remembered the blog has no actual feelings. It is not mad at me or something.
So anyways, here I am. I probably will return for now and then disappear again. But hey, really who cares...no one probably even reads this mess on the reg.
The amount of shit that has happened to me in the (almost) year since I have written is amazing. Most importantly the fact that I got engaged, and holy shit, I am getting married. Who would've ever thought that? Sure as hell not me. I noticed that in the beginning of my engagement I went to worrrrkkkkk. I busted my ass and secured my venue in just about one week's time. I was determined to get married in October of next year. Most importantly however, I noticed that all I talked about for like two-four weeks was this god damn wedding that is one year away. I wanted to tell myself to shut up and I am sure that my friends felt even more eye rolls and STFU's then I can imagine. I've been there, trust me. I said I would never be that way, and I have finally gotten to the point of annoying myself enough, that I am taking a bit of a break. Well sort of. I am sure I will write about this experience in just about every post, but honestly, this is my life and this is what I am experiencing, so bear with me.
After re-reading my last post to remember where I left off I still want to re-iterate...everything I said, I really really still mean. Single ladies, do not settle for anything but the best. I can hear you, see your eye rolls, "Shut up" right? No. There are still good ones out there, I promise. And when you find one, don't sit on it and wait for it to happen. You are in control of your life, stop letting feelings, and "I feel stupids" stand in your way.
I can honestly say, I have found a man who is so much better than me every day. He makes me want to be this person I never even thought I could even be. Every single day I cannot wait to get home to see him. I cannot wait to tell him the 8 hrs worth of shit that happen in our longest hours away from each other. This is really real. It happens.
I am so happy to have started this whole marriage thing. I have so much to complain about already :)
In brief: For those who I haven't talked to...we got engaged on our trip to Memphis. Steve thought it was appropriate to be all cool calm and collective and not ask me until three days into our trip. But it was all so incredibly perfect. I cannot have asked for a better memory.
So anyways, here I am. I probably will return for now and then disappear again. But hey, really who cares...no one probably even reads this mess on the reg.
The amount of shit that has happened to me in the (almost) year since I have written is amazing. Most importantly the fact that I got engaged, and holy shit, I am getting married. Who would've ever thought that? Sure as hell not me. I noticed that in the beginning of my engagement I went to worrrrkkkkk. I busted my ass and secured my venue in just about one week's time. I was determined to get married in October of next year. Most importantly however, I noticed that all I talked about for like two-four weeks was this god damn wedding that is one year away. I wanted to tell myself to shut up and I am sure that my friends felt even more eye rolls and STFU's then I can imagine. I've been there, trust me. I said I would never be that way, and I have finally gotten to the point of annoying myself enough, that I am taking a bit of a break. Well sort of. I am sure I will write about this experience in just about every post, but honestly, this is my life and this is what I am experiencing, so bear with me.
After re-reading my last post to remember where I left off I still want to re-iterate...everything I said, I really really still mean. Single ladies, do not settle for anything but the best. I can hear you, see your eye rolls, "Shut up" right? No. There are still good ones out there, I promise. And when you find one, don't sit on it and wait for it to happen. You are in control of your life, stop letting feelings, and "I feel stupids" stand in your way.
I can honestly say, I have found a man who is so much better than me every day. He makes me want to be this person I never even thought I could even be. Every single day I cannot wait to get home to see him. I cannot wait to tell him the 8 hrs worth of shit that happen in our longest hours away from each other. This is really real. It happens.
I am so happy to have started this whole marriage thing. I have so much to complain about already :)
In brief: For those who I haven't talked to...we got engaged on our trip to Memphis. Steve thought it was appropriate to be all cool calm and collective and not ask me until three days into our trip. But it was all so incredibly perfect. I cannot have asked for a better memory.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
The right kinda
Okay so I love Girls. Of course I do. I mean how could I not? But anyway. This past weeks episode was real different. I wasn't the biggest fan of this unrealistic? situation happening to Hannah and was super quick to judge. Especially with my man sitting beside me, making under the breath blows, of how this is, yes, again unrealistic.
But then it kind of dawned on me. This is my kinda sorta my life. I have someone that treats me with so much love every minute of the day. And I never believe it. Never. I keep wondering when I am going to wake up. I only have ever expected the most shitty treatment from any guy I've been with. And the worst part about it is that I actually accepted it. It's disgusting.
I spent so much of my life accepting that I would just be that girl to experience everything. For everyone to see me as that girl that gets to just do everything because she's not tied down. To be the role model for all girls out there who couldn't find the right kinda love.
I think back to nights where I would lay in my bed and wish upon everything I could wish upon to experience love. The real kind. Not the shitty kind of accepting whatever comes your way kinda love.
And I got it. I got my WISH. And now I can try and believe it, accept it. And I can still be that girl who experiences things, but this time, with him by my side. And I can do everything and anything I used to...just now with my better half.
So...if you are sitting at home, thinking this will never happen to you, well....It will. And when it does, you will look back and see everything so different. So stop accepting the shitty of shitty and know, just know, it will come. Promise.
But then it kind of dawned on me. This is my kinda sorta my life. I have someone that treats me with so much love every minute of the day. And I never believe it. Never. I keep wondering when I am going to wake up. I only have ever expected the most shitty treatment from any guy I've been with. And the worst part about it is that I actually accepted it. It's disgusting.
I spent so much of my life accepting that I would just be that girl to experience everything. For everyone to see me as that girl that gets to just do everything because she's not tied down. To be the role model for all girls out there who couldn't find the right kinda love.
I think back to nights where I would lay in my bed and wish upon everything I could wish upon to experience love. The real kind. Not the shitty kind of accepting whatever comes your way kinda love.
And I got it. I got my WISH. And now I can try and believe it, accept it. And I can still be that girl who experiences things, but this time, with him by my side. And I can do everything and anything I used to...just now with my better half.
So...if you are sitting at home, thinking this will never happen to you, well....It will. And when it does, you will look back and see everything so different. So stop accepting the shitty of shitty and know, just know, it will come. Promise.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Top 7 worst gifts of all time
http://shine.yahoo.com/fashion/7-gifts-women-list-220100517.html
Okay so for some reason I just read this dumb ass article and I just don't get it. These are the worst gifts ever and no man should buy these for any woman in their lives.
1. Cheerful chains--this is maybe the only gift that is semi-cool. But not really. I mean these are not even that pretty. And way bland. I am pretty sure you can pick up something much more awesome from a crane machine.
2. Nailpolish? Really? Nothing says you are a cheap asshole than this lame gift. How about a gift card to a local nail salon so we don't have to paint those puppies ourselves.
3. Teardrop Cuffs--Here's and idea...how about you take a paper clip bend it all up and then wrap it in a box. I'm pretty sure it will look the same. When your girl receives it beware she will unbend it and stick it straight in her eye.
4. Cookware--go fuck yourself. If you want me to cook for you, buy this pot for me just cause. I would much rather some as seen on TV spaghetti pot or something.
5. Paper-clip holder--quit now. Just quit. Paperclips are the most annoying thing ever. Not to mention a jar with a "paper-clip" reindeer on it. The only thing cool about this is it's potential to be thrown across the room at another co-worker.
6. Stationary--what are you a fucking part of the convent? Only girls can buy this for each other. Do not buy this for your "woman." She will hate you forever.
7. Happier at Home--nothing says "I hate you and want you to be happier" than this book. Trust me, if you buy this you will somehow become much unhappier.
Take my advice men, please take it.
And this is why I hate Christmas. Reason #187, someone shoot me in the fucking head. We can call it Murrrrrrdddaa.
Okay so for some reason I just read this dumb ass article and I just don't get it. These are the worst gifts ever and no man should buy these for any woman in their lives.
1. Cheerful chains--this is maybe the only gift that is semi-cool. But not really. I mean these are not even that pretty. And way bland. I am pretty sure you can pick up something much more awesome from a crane machine.2. Nailpolish? Really? Nothing says you are a cheap asshole than this lame gift. How about a gift card to a local nail salon so we don't have to paint those puppies ourselves. 3. Teardrop Cuffs--Here's and idea...how about you take a paper clip bend it all up and then wrap it in a box. I'm pretty sure it will look the same. When your girl receives it beware she will unbend it and stick it straight in her eye.4. Cookware--go fuck yourself. If you want me to cook for you, buy this pot for me just cause. I would much rather some as seen on TV spaghetti pot or something.5. Paper-clip holder--quit now. Just quit. Paperclips are the most annoying thing ever. Not to mention a jar with a "paper-clip" reindeer on it. The only thing cool about this is it's potential to be thrown across the room at another co-worker.6. Stationary--what are you a fucking part of the convent? Only girls can buy this for each other. Do not buy this for your "woman." She will hate you forever. 7. Happier at Home--nothing says "I hate you and want you to be happier" than this book. Trust me, if you buy this you will somehow become much unhappier. Take my advice men, please take it.
And this is why I hate Christmas. Reason #187, someone shoot me in the fucking head. We can call it Murrrrrrdddaa.
Monday, December 10, 2012
it's been awhile
Ok wow. I just realized that it has been a while since I last posted. And I guess there is a reason for that. I have thought about blogging this for a while now, but I was just so unsure. Even though I blog about my life and experiences, I rarely blog about super personal things. And quite frankly I do not even know where to start. My life has just been so overwhelmingly beautiful lately and I am just way too thankful to not get on this shit.
So anyways, I was reading my favorite blog today and I came across this quote, and I knew I just had to write about it, because it is so true to me right now.
So anyways, I was reading my favorite blog today and I came across this quote, and I knew I just had to write about it, because it is so true to me right now.
Here goes...a couple months ago I was sinking kind of into a dark, but enlightening place. I was very frustrated with the whole dating scene, and the many many assholes of my past. Walls were surrounding me and I was extremely cautious of anyone I came into contact with. I was over the whole casual dating scene and I just wanted to break free. I had no desire to be with anyone else, because for once I was beginning to just be happy with myself, who I was, and where I was going in my life. I made a promise to myself, before leaving for Spain, that I was no longer going to continue my search for a boyfriend, husband, life partner, whatever the fuck you long for. I was okay being alone. It seems really sad, I know. But that is where I was at. It was enlightening because I was happy regardless of this conscious decision I was making. I always thought of my aunt Lisa, and how happy she was being single, being the aunt who was the mother, friend, and confidant of us all. If she could do it, well, so could I. I know I want kids, but I have always, and will continue to be comfortable adopting if I need to. So that really wasn't an issue. But anyways, I was determined to live my life this way.
While in Spain, I had somewhat of a break down. Again, sad? Not really. I poured my heart out on the streets of Barcelona, sobbing, releasing all of it to my friend. I got to the root of the problem and again, promised myself that was it. No more. All the feelings of depression at times, I knew were a reflection of the past. I had to break free. No expectations, no heart ache, no more putting someone else before myself. I was on the right path. I needed this.
After returning to Philadelphia, I felt super liberated. My experience in Spain opened my eyes to the beauty that was hidden inside of me. I felt wonderful. I felt free.
And holy effin shit. Boom it hit me. Love. There is was right in front of me for so many years. I don't know exactly how I saw it, or grabbed a hold of it, but it is so very wonderful.
So like always, I will refrain from using names, but you all should know who he is. I took a huge step in all of this, and for once put myself (like I promised) first. I realized for so long I sabotaged so many of my relationships, because of the past, because of my experiences and loyalty to many people. I was not letting this go this time. I wanted to do this for me, and I wanted him more than I have ever wanted someone before.
And the feeling was mutual. For once.
I can honestly say, I am the happiest I have ever been. Everyone who is close to me has told me they just see something different in me these days. Well that difference is him. There is not a day that goes by that he does not make me feel so very special. I can go on and on forever about this.
I laugh at myself daily cause I am such a fucking cheeseball. It's all sort of sickening. But you know what? I deserve it. I really really do.
And finally, I feel at peace. What I thought was peace before, was just a glimpse of it. I have been living in the present lately, and it feels so so good.
I never thought this would happen for me. But it did. And for that, I am thankful. And in love.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Everything.
I just had to get up, leave my computer screen, and hide in the bathroom to cry, for just a few moments. This is everything. Everything.
And when I go home I will love my everything even more.
This is a letter written by Fiona Apple, as an apology to her fans for the suspension of her tour. And this is exactly why I love her even more today than I have ever loved her before. And this is exactly why I remember to give Jose an extra rub, or an extra kiss, each and every day. Watching someone pass whether a friend, a family member, or a pet is life changing. It brings a meaning to life more than anything will ever come close to. With this letter I remember holding my aunts hand as she took her last breath, and with this I acknowledge how special each and every moment is. With every wind, I remember. I certainly can never forget.
taken from Fiona's Facebook
And when I go home I will love my everything even more.
This is a letter written by Fiona Apple, as an apology to her fans for the suspension of her tour. And this is exactly why I love her even more today than I have ever loved her before. And this is exactly why I remember to give Jose an extra rub, or an extra kiss, each and every day. Watching someone pass whether a friend, a family member, or a pet is life changing. It brings a meaning to life more than anything will ever come close to. With this letter I remember holding my aunts hand as she took her last breath, and with this I acknowledge how special each and every moment is. With every wind, I remember. I certainly can never forget.
taken from Fiona's Facebook
It's 6pm on Friday,and I'm writing to a few thousand friends I have not met yet.
I am writing to ask them to change our plans and meet a little while later.
Here's the thing.
I have a dog Janet, and she's been ill for almost two years now, as a tumor has been idling in her chest, growing ever so slowly. She's almost 14 years old now.I got her when she was 4 months old. I was 21 then, an adult officially - and she was my child.
I am writing to ask them to change our plans and meet a little while later.
Here's the thing.
I have a dog Janet, and she's been ill for almost two years now, as a tumor has been idling in her chest, growing ever so slowly. She's almost 14 years old now.I got her when she was 4 months old. I was 21 then, an adult officially - and she was my child.
She is a pitbull, and was found in Echo Park, with a rope around her neck, and bites all over her ears and face.
She was the one the dogfighters use to puff up the confidence of the contenders.
She's almost 14 and I've never seen her start a fight ,or bite, or even growl, so I can understand why they chose her for that awful role. She's a pacifist.
Janet has been the most consistent relationship of my adult life, and that is just a fact.
We've lived in numerous houses, and jumped a few make shift families, but it's always really been the two of us.
She slept in bed with me, her head on the pillow, and she accepted my hysterical, tearful face into her chest, with her paws around me, every time I was heartbroken, or spirit-broken, or just lost, and as years went by, she let me take the role of her child, as I fell asleep, with her chin resting above my head.
She was under the piano when I wrote songs, barked any time I tried to record anything, and she was in the studio with me all the time we recorded the last album.
The last time I came back from tour, she was spry as ever, and she's used to me being gone for a few weeks every 6 or 7 years.
She has Addison's Disease, which makes it dangerous for her to travel since she needs regular injections of Cortisol, because she reacts to stress and to excitement without the physiological tools which keep most of us from literally panicking to death.
Despite all of this, she’s effortlessly joyful and playful, and only stopped acting like a puppy about 3 years ago.
She's my best friend and my mother and my daughter, my benefactor, and she's the one who taught me what love is.
I can't come to South America. Not now.
When I got back from the last leg of the US tour, there was a big, big difference.
She doesn't even want to go for walks anymore.
I know that she's not sad about aging or dying. Animals have a survival instinct, but a sense of mortality and vanity, they do not. That’s why they are so much more present than people.
But I know that she is coming close to point where she will stop being a dog, and instead, be part of everything. She’ll be in the wind, and in the soil, and the snow, and in me, wherever I go.
I just can't leave her now, please understand.
If I go away again, I’m afraid she'll die and I won't have the honor of singing her to sleep, of escorting her out.
Sometimes it takes me 20 minutes to pick which socks to wear to bed.
But this decision is instant.
These are the choices we make, which define us.
I will not be the woman who puts her career ahead of love and friendship.
I am the woman who stays home and bakes Tilapia for my dearest, oldest friend.
And helps her be comfortable, and comforted, and safe, and important.
Many of us these days, we dread the death of a loved one. It is the ugly truth of Life, that keeps us feeling terrified and alone.
I wish we could also appreciate the time that lies right beside the end of time.
I know that I will feel the most overwhelming knowledge of her, and of her life and of my love for her, in the last moments.
I need to do my damnedest to be there for that.
Because it will be the most beautiful, the most intense, the most enriching experience of life I've ever known.
When she dies.
So I am staying home, and I am listening to her snore and wheeze, and reveling in the swampiest, most awful breath that ever emanated from an angel.
And I am asking for your blessing.
I'll be seeing you.
Love, Fiona
She was the one the dogfighters use to puff up the confidence of the contenders.
She's almost 14 and I've never seen her start a fight ,or bite, or even growl, so I can understand why they chose her for that awful role. She's a pacifist.
Janet has been the most consistent relationship of my adult life, and that is just a fact.
We've lived in numerous houses, and jumped a few make shift families, but it's always really been the two of us.
She slept in bed with me, her head on the pillow, and she accepted my hysterical, tearful face into her chest, with her paws around me, every time I was heartbroken, or spirit-broken, or just lost, and as years went by, she let me take the role of her child, as I fell asleep, with her chin resting above my head.
She was under the piano when I wrote songs, barked any time I tried to record anything, and she was in the studio with me all the time we recorded the last album.
The last time I came back from tour, she was spry as ever, and she's used to me being gone for a few weeks every 6 or 7 years.
She has Addison's Disease, which makes it dangerous for her to travel since she needs regular injections of Cortisol, because she reacts to stress and to excitement without the physiological tools which keep most of us from literally panicking to death.
Despite all of this, she’s effortlessly joyful and playful, and only stopped acting like a puppy about 3 years ago.
She's my best friend and my mother and my daughter, my benefactor, and she's the one who taught me what love is.
I can't come to South America. Not now.
When I got back from the last leg of the US tour, there was a big, big difference.
She doesn't even want to go for walks anymore.
I know that she's not sad about aging or dying. Animals have a survival instinct, but a sense of mortality and vanity, they do not. That’s why they are so much more present than people.
But I know that she is coming close to point where she will stop being a dog, and instead, be part of everything. She’ll be in the wind, and in the soil, and the snow, and in me, wherever I go.
I just can't leave her now, please understand.
If I go away again, I’m afraid she'll die and I won't have the honor of singing her to sleep, of escorting her out.
Sometimes it takes me 20 minutes to pick which socks to wear to bed.
But this decision is instant.
These are the choices we make, which define us.
I will not be the woman who puts her career ahead of love and friendship.
I am the woman who stays home and bakes Tilapia for my dearest, oldest friend.
And helps her be comfortable, and comforted, and safe, and important.
Many of us these days, we dread the death of a loved one. It is the ugly truth of Life, that keeps us feeling terrified and alone.
I wish we could also appreciate the time that lies right beside the end of time.
I know that I will feel the most overwhelming knowledge of her, and of her life and of my love for her, in the last moments.
I need to do my damnedest to be there for that.
Because it will be the most beautiful, the most intense, the most enriching experience of life I've ever known.
When she dies.
So I am staying home, and I am listening to her snore and wheeze, and reveling in the swampiest, most awful breath that ever emanated from an angel.
And I am asking for your blessing.
I'll be seeing you.
Love, Fiona
Friday, November 16, 2012
DaGrinch
The holiday season I guess has crept up on me again. Hate this time of year. Fast foward to December 27th please.
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