Wedding Etiquette. The Un-Official Bride.Zilla. version

So a friend of mine asked me today if I could teach her about weddings (and I love you so much) because she was unsure what the etiquette was for gifts.  It was a bit awkward since I knew she was asking specifically for mine, but hey I ultimately love her even more, that she didn't take a chance, and somehow royally annoy me.  Which probably would be impossible for her to do, but you know what I am saying.

This whole wedding thing is a fiasco.  Let me just say that.  I am ultimately happy that I chose to do it the traditional ((invite your whole fucking world)) way but I got to say, shit is annoying.  I have mad respect for all those that did not completely lose your shit during this process.  With the constant mixture of meditation, yoga, drinking, and therapy, I am able to maintain my cool about 24 hours out of any given week.

And let me just say before any of you go saying "you self righteous bitch," that I am more than appreciative for those that are helping me through this.  And for those making this difficult, you suck big time.

I was reading this wedding etiquette thing on Huffington Post after my friend asked me this question.  I already knew most of these rules because I have been to 734 weddings in about 10 years, but I thought it would be fun to put my little spin on it.  And potentially I can hope to save one more person from sending me into any sort of "you get on my nerves" rage.  So here goes.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/06/17/wedding-etiquette-the-dos_n_879354.html

Do's

1.  RSVP --  Please do this.  Please.  I am so very sorry for all those people I failed to do this for.  We will be sending you something special in the next couple of years once I recover from the debt I am putting myself in.

2.  Ceremony -- If you were invited to the wedding, and don't feel like showing up for the ceremony...NO one will even care.  Or notice.  Show up with your drinking face on.
If you are going to flip that and only show up for the ceremony, please RSVP that you are not coming.  We really don't feel like paying for your attendance if you are not going to eat and drink your fill.

3. Dress Code --  Wear whatever you want.  Whatever makes you happy.  I don't even care if you wear white, but other bitches will trust me.  They will talk about you all night.  So you might not want to.  Only rule is, don't try to look better than we will, because you will spend the rest of the night disappointed.

4.  Arrival -- Arrive at the Ceremony on time.  And by Ceremony I mean open bar starts immediately after ceremony.  Cool.  Thanks for coming, I totally noticed in my panic attack haze that you were even there.

5.  Send a gift even if you don't come -- Shit this is a new rule for me.   I mean I want to agree because that will put more money back in my pocket, but really?  Nah.  If you RSVP you are NOT coming then, please you just saved two of us money.  If you RSVP YES and don't show up, you better send a gift or we will seek vengeance.

6.  Registry Gifts/Wedding Gifts --  Yes please buy from the registry. One does not spend 3 hrs in Target doing this for nothing.  But if you want to surprise me with something different.  Feel free to do that as well.  I am down with it.  Just include the receipt, just in case it doesn't match the curtains I have in my house that does not exist (yet).
If you come to the wedding, I am sorry to inform you...you should bring a gift to the actual wedding.  You have a year (i think) to do this.

7.   Assigned seats -- Just accept your table arrangement.  You will be there for like 15 min tops.  My caterer promised to have everyone fed in under 15 min.  If you want to squeeze in with your BFF at the next table, no one cares.  Go ahead.  Just put that table number card in your pocket and keep it breezy.

8.  See below, #1.  Read it a couple times.

Don'ts

1.    Uninvited Guests -- Don't add any fucking guests.  If you receive an invitation with just your name on it, you are NOT invited with a guest.  And this does not give you free range to invite your neighbors cousin who you think is hot to our wedding.  And don't act like you didn't know this was a rule.
And if for some reason, you slip by with getting your uninvited guest to the wedding, they better bring us a gift too.  And chocolate.  I like dark.  He really likes cookies.  That should be enough to make up for it.

Just to clarify.  Your invitation will either say John Doe or John Doe and Guest.  The latter means you are invited with a guest.

2.  Yes, the no guest applies to your kid(s).  Your children will get an invitation if they are invited.  Which, in this case means,  unless your children are the age of 21 don't bank on it.

3.  Don't dress to compete -- see above Dress Code

4.  Don't disrespect the couples religious or cultural traditions --  if you have a problem with partying or being awesome, well don't judge, I am sorry for you.

5.  Don't be all about your wedding -- What?  That't totally going to happen.  It's cool.  Just as long as you are enjoying yourself while remembering yours, what is the harm.  I am confident in ours.  We got this in the bag.

6.  Don't use your phone --  Again, what?  Use your phone.  However, being a photographer, we have chosen to ask  guests to refrain from using their phone for pictures during ceremony.  Because we are paying our lovely photographers with a whole lot of love (and $$) to do this for us.  Let them do their job for 15 min tops...promise.

7.  Don't leave before the cake is cut -- Translation : Do not leave before your feet hurt.

8.  Don't share wedding photos yet -- Hahahahahahah yea ok.  This is 2014.  Free range my friends.


And Finally. (this is an add on)

9.  Do not fight with anyone at the wedding -- This includes your whiskey raging alter self.  NO Fighting.  Only love.  Only LOVE.  Love.


Can't wait to see you all there.