Let me first start out this post by saying, this is in no way a insult to mothers who have more than one child. Unless, you happen to fall into the category of type of mother who I just ran into this morning....
So I am up super early this morning in the coffee shop and in walks a mother of three. Two children are about 4 and 5, super excited and running around crazy in the shop, the third a screaming infant in some strange little pouch carrier beneath the stroller where I thought you were supposed to keep your diaper bag and baby shit. As I witness this, I think to myself, "damn this mama is keeping her shit together, good for her." She was definitely calm, especially with the way her child was screaming, ordering her coffee and muffins and juggling all her money and bottles. I stood there just patiently waiting my turn, dodging the four and five year old, and minding my own damn business.
And here it comes people, here it comes...
The lady turns to me, and for some reason thinks this is okay to say, "are you ready for this, cause this is going to be you, reallllll soon." I thankfully, was able to just smile and let her leave without saying any of what I really wanted to say to her slip out.
First of all, why are some mothers like angry old women, thinking they can say anything they damn well please to strangers. You, mama, do not know me. How do you know I am not giving this baby up for adoption, or even carrying it as a surrogate? That's right, you don't, yet you still feel the need to comment on what my life is "going to be like" when I have my first, not third child. You forgot in all the craziness of your screaming children that you do not know me, and you certainly do not have the right to make assumptions on something you know nothing about.
Second, "am I ready for this?" Ready for what? Three children? Hell no. Oh yea, I forgot you know me so well you know I am having three children, and screaming ones too. They are just all gonna pop right out being maniacs. Newsflash, tubes will be tied instantly, if for some reason this mama makes it to two. But I forgot, you wouldn't know that, because oh yea, YOU don't know me!
Third, and most importantly, why oh why do you have to be so instantly negative? Why do some moms automatically default to the "get ready for this, it is hell" comments rather than the, "don't worry, it's not always this bad" encouragements? I don't get it. I really don't. If it is that bad, why in the world did you pump out three children?! Should I comment on your poor choices? Why are you not offering, me as a stranger, words of encouragement rather than making me want to go home and cry for the last 10 weeks of my pregnancy.
Listen, I know that babies cry, and being a mother is the most challenging job any one person can hold. But, did you not think, I thought about this just a tiny bit before getting myself into this situation? I am certainly aware of what goes on, and though I might not have first hand experience, it is something that I am currently preparing to learn. Let me learn it, without your shit ass comments.
I just wish, that mothers like this, could stop for one second and change their thought pattern, and offer something else. I understand completely that the stress levels are high, and you might not be thinking clearly, but please, how about you just not say anything at all? I have ten weeks left, can't you just let me live in my fairy tale land where I am not sleep deprived, hangry, on the verge of a breakdown.
Most importantly, we as strangers do not know what some people are going through. I think we need to all just stop and think sometimes, that our situations, are not always the same as other peoples situations. I believe I touched on this in a previous post, about people not asking whether or not you were pregnant yet. Your simple words, could really be hurtful to someone, especially someone you do not know. And have we forgotten, the lesson, "if you don't have anything nice to say, do not say anything at all?" I really just don't get it.
I really would like to thank those that do offer words of encouragement. You mamas are really awesome and I appreciate that you break the mold of the typical mother to future mother comment that I have experienced throughout this pregnancy. Like my friend Kerrie said to me just this weekend, "you are gonna love this La, you really are, I can't wait for you to know what it is like." Well thanks, thanks for that. I really really can't wait.
Thank you now. Carry on.
Monday, August 17, 2015
Thursday, July 23, 2015
With a heavy heart...
I don't even know where to start with this.
I began following Bethany on Instagram at the very beginning of my pregnancy. At a time, where not even my friends or family knew what was happening. I saw her feed through the "Explore Posts" and was instantly drawn to her and her adorable daughter and her growing baby bump. I am not one to randomly follow strangers on social media, but I was yearning to know more about how I could still look cool pregnant, how I could be a hip mom, and how I could still maintain an on the go "city living" mom attitude. I know that is extremely vain of me, but it is the truth. I was scared because I didn't expect to be pregnant this early in my marriage, and I certainly wasn't ready to give up my lifestyle as many have warned me I would have to. Watching Bethany grow, and watching her with her current daughter just made me happy. Not that I need to explain to any of you my social media antics, but whatever.
And this is where I tell you...if you can't deal with sadness, then close this right now. Because sad is an understatement.
A few weeks ago Bethany went into premature labor.
You can read her story here....
Bethany Menzel
A week or so later her daughter Goldie was born and there was something really wrong. Goldie was extremely sick and the hopes of her surviving very slim. I was devastated for Bethany, someone I didn't even know, and felt such a strong connection to this women I have never even met. I called upon a few of my good friends to send out their kinds of prayers for this family. I am not one for prayers to God, but I set more intentions than I have ever have and spent so much of my meditation time forcing light and love with the hopes that Goldie would survive. Unfortunately, it was not enough.
I don't even know where I am going with this.
I know I was meant to read this story for some reason.
I just think we all sometimes take so much for granted. I know I do. And this is a reminder, to be grateful on so many levels. To be thankful, for our lives, our experiences. Even the ones filled with so much pain, and so much grief. They are there for a reason.
I am even more thankful than one could ever be thankful for the little blessing, our precious Jack, that is growing bigger each and every day.
I am especially grateful, for the mourning I have experienced in this life, including the times where I felt the deepest sadness, because it has brought me so many great things.
And I am most thankful, writing this with such an incredibly heavy heart, that I have been drawn to this very beautiful human being, for she has provided me with the reminder that regardless of the situation, the sadness, the experience, whatever it may be, it is here for a reason, and that reason will give each and every one of us a purpose in life. Forever a life filled with so much wonder, and so much hurt, and even more beauty than most of us ever even begin to imagine.
I began following Bethany on Instagram at the very beginning of my pregnancy. At a time, where not even my friends or family knew what was happening. I saw her feed through the "Explore Posts" and was instantly drawn to her and her adorable daughter and her growing baby bump. I am not one to randomly follow strangers on social media, but I was yearning to know more about how I could still look cool pregnant, how I could be a hip mom, and how I could still maintain an on the go "city living" mom attitude. I know that is extremely vain of me, but it is the truth. I was scared because I didn't expect to be pregnant this early in my marriage, and I certainly wasn't ready to give up my lifestyle as many have warned me I would have to. Watching Bethany grow, and watching her with her current daughter just made me happy. Not that I need to explain to any of you my social media antics, but whatever.
And this is where I tell you...if you can't deal with sadness, then close this right now. Because sad is an understatement.
A few weeks ago Bethany went into premature labor.
You can read her story here....
Bethany Menzel
A week or so later her daughter Goldie was born and there was something really wrong. Goldie was extremely sick and the hopes of her surviving very slim. I was devastated for Bethany, someone I didn't even know, and felt such a strong connection to this women I have never even met. I called upon a few of my good friends to send out their kinds of prayers for this family. I am not one for prayers to God, but I set more intentions than I have ever have and spent so much of my meditation time forcing light and love with the hopes that Goldie would survive. Unfortunately, it was not enough.
I don't even know where I am going with this.
I know I was meant to read this story for some reason.
I just think we all sometimes take so much for granted. I know I do. And this is a reminder, to be grateful on so many levels. To be thankful, for our lives, our experiences. Even the ones filled with so much pain, and so much grief. They are there for a reason.
I am even more thankful than one could ever be thankful for the little blessing, our precious Jack, that is growing bigger each and every day.
I am especially grateful, for the mourning I have experienced in this life, including the times where I felt the deepest sadness, because it has brought me so many great things.
And I am most thankful, writing this with such an incredibly heavy heart, that I have been drawn to this very beautiful human being, for she has provided me with the reminder that regardless of the situation, the sadness, the experience, whatever it may be, it is here for a reason, and that reason will give each and every one of us a purpose in life. Forever a life filled with so much wonder, and so much hurt, and even more beauty than most of us ever even begin to imagine.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Disclaimer: You do NOT have to read this.
I made a decision back in August when the Michael Brown shooting happened to not write about it. To not post things on social media in regards to this horrible tragedy because I was confused. Plain and simple, just confused. It hurt me so much that this was happening. On both sides of the spectrum. For me, I just needed to be silent. And that is what I did.
And then...this happened. This really really sucks. How can this Eric Garner decision come at at a time like this? There is something really really wrong here. I cannot go back and watch the Eric Garner (original video) where this man pleads for this officer to let him breathe. I cannot change this poor decision not only made by this officer but by the grand jury not to indict him. And I certainly cannot change what is going to happen to our country in the next couple of months.
What I can do is to write...and by writing I can ask all of my friends and family, from whichever point of the spectrum you stand on is to have compassion. Have compassion for those that are experiencing the pain and sadness that surrounds all those involved in these tragedies. Have compassion for those who still see that oppression and racism exist in a country we call the "land of the free." Have compassion for those people who have family members themselves who are officers in this country and who see first hand the positive things that come from their duty. But most importantly we need to just have compassion for each other.
If you have things to say then say them, but hopefully with compassion held tightly deep inside. As a nation we need to stand up, and make a change, because what we are watching each day is not what we as a nation have worked towards. If you feel strongly about sides to these events, that is...the events of Ferguson and now Eric Garner, instead of hiding behind a computer go out and do something. Make a difference. We need to stay committed to "a movement of racial justice" in whichever way we can. Let's not lose focus.
Some positive suggestions....
--Reach out to local elected officials about how we can make this better
--Donate to communities to build education programs and to break the patterns we see in areas of poverty
--March, in a peaceful way to justice
--Pray
--Donate to local police
--Teach your children how to love, to see through race, gender, and sexuality
--Talk to your therapist, about how these things affect you
--Don't sit around, thinking, my voice cannot be heard, because it can
This article below really came at a perfect time, where I am struggling with social media and it's content...and inspired me to write this.
Cracked Wide Open Around Race
In summary, we as nation must not forget the most important thing above all, and that is LOVE. We need to love each other, and treat each other with the same respect each one of us deserves. Have compassion for your neighbors and as a citizen of the United States of America use your words (or text) to positively affect this country as a whole. That is correct, as a WHOLE. All we have is this one life, spend your time, and words, wisely.
And then...this happened. This really really sucks. How can this Eric Garner decision come at at a time like this? There is something really really wrong here. I cannot go back and watch the Eric Garner (original video) where this man pleads for this officer to let him breathe. I cannot change this poor decision not only made by this officer but by the grand jury not to indict him. And I certainly cannot change what is going to happen to our country in the next couple of months.
What I can do is to write...and by writing I can ask all of my friends and family, from whichever point of the spectrum you stand on is to have compassion. Have compassion for those that are experiencing the pain and sadness that surrounds all those involved in these tragedies. Have compassion for those who still see that oppression and racism exist in a country we call the "land of the free." Have compassion for those people who have family members themselves who are officers in this country and who see first hand the positive things that come from their duty. But most importantly we need to just have compassion for each other.
If you have things to say then say them, but hopefully with compassion held tightly deep inside. As a nation we need to stand up, and make a change, because what we are watching each day is not what we as a nation have worked towards. If you feel strongly about sides to these events, that is...the events of Ferguson and now Eric Garner, instead of hiding behind a computer go out and do something. Make a difference. We need to stay committed to "a movement of racial justice" in whichever way we can. Let's not lose focus.
Some positive suggestions....
--Reach out to local elected officials about how we can make this better
--Donate to communities to build education programs and to break the patterns we see in areas of poverty
--March, in a peaceful way to justice
--Pray
--Donate to local police
--Teach your children how to love, to see through race, gender, and sexuality
--Talk to your therapist, about how these things affect you
--Don't sit around, thinking, my voice cannot be heard, because it can
This article below really came at a perfect time, where I am struggling with social media and it's content...and inspired me to write this.
Cracked Wide Open Around Race
In summary, we as nation must not forget the most important thing above all, and that is LOVE. We need to love each other, and treat each other with the same respect each one of us deserves. Have compassion for your neighbors and as a citizen of the United States of America use your words (or text) to positively affect this country as a whole. That is correct, as a WHOLE. All we have is this one life, spend your time, and words, wisely.
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Yahoooooo
https://www.yahoo.com/health/scary-study-most-of-us-dont-recognize-common-104172328622.html
If I could punch a article in it's face I would punch this one. Seriously.
The article is labeled
Scary Study: Most of Us Don't Recognize Common Cancer Symptoms
Hypochondriac panic settle in. What the shit? This article immediately without reading screams panic.
However, once I read it, because who wouldn't, I realized this is the most idiotic article I may have ever read. The study states "Past research has shown that cancer patients often realize, after the fact, that they failed to grasp the gravity of their early symptoms and, as a result, they didn’t seek help as quickly as they should have." Like way to go researchers...no shit. I think everyone who has or has had cancer wishes they would have gone to the doctor earlier.
They list these "warning signs of cancer" as unexplained lumps, a change in appearance of a mole, unexplained weight loss, and get this....tiredness and dizziness.
Let me tell you researchers...
If I went to the doctors for any of these symptoms they would most likely send me home with anxiety meds because that is what they do. Oh you have a past history, of anxiety? That explains it...boom Xanax, and while we are at it, let's up your dose.
If I went to the doctor's every time I experienced tiredness or dizziness it would be smarter me to rent a room there than my actual apartment.
If I went to the doctor's and explained that I had a mysterious lump, they would send me for an x-ray, because hellloooooo America, your health care cost to damn much and your insurance doesn't cover it. And what would the X-ray show? Nothing. Because X-Rays are worth just as much as my last pint of rice at my local Chinese restaurant.
Oh and finally, stop scaring every American into having cancer.
Carry on now with your dumb research and news articles that have no meaning.
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Pregnant?
Exactly one month and 8 days post wedding and I am already fed up with the question "Are you pregnant?" For the love of Pete. No. Stop.
I mean don't get me wrong, I want children, and I wouldn't mind having them soon but in all reality think about the words that are coming out of your mouth people!! I am about to stamp my forehead before going into family events and parties with "on my period. not pregnant" just to avoid this question. It is so crazy how many times people hint that I could be pregnant with every thing I say. Like oh my shoulder has been bothering me, "welp you know you could be pregnant." Stop it!
Now I say all these things for every woman that experiences this, not just me.
1. There has only been one month that I could have maybe conceived a child since my wedding day. In fact, if you are knowledgable of the female reproductive system that is exactly like a 5-6 day window in which a woman ovulates and has the chance of getting pregnant. So the likelihood of this pregnancy assumption on your part is absurd.
2. There are people that have trouble conceiving children. How about you think about that before you ask me every single time I have a stomach ache. It could be offensive. And it could send someone to want to crawl in a hole every time you open your big "I want you to be pregnant so bad I can't control myself" mouth.
3. Let's say I was pregnant, one month and 8 days post wedding. Do you think I would tell you? I mean isn't there all these type of rules of when you can tell people just in case anything happens early on? So again, think people. Think.
4. Who is to say that I even want children? Have we discussed this before? Because I am pretty sure we haven't. I mean if you look at my life, it is not clear exactly that I am the type of person who even wants children. I love to travel, I love to party, I love to fly by the seat of my pants. I really really love my cat, and my small ass apartment. But go ahead, assume on. You are totally appropriate.
5. Did you ever think the question "Are you pregnant?" might just might make me feel like I have packed on the pounds (which I totally did) during my month long honeymoon? Jesus. I feel fat. This is offensive. Stop. I am not eating for the next three weeks.
So let's just be fair here. I promise you, when I have the exciting news that I am in fact pregnant I will tell you. I solemnly swear. But for now, and for the next few months, please please please back off and let me figure out how to be married and love my husband without your consistent, and persistent, yes, in fact Stupid Questions.
I mean don't get me wrong, I want children, and I wouldn't mind having them soon but in all reality think about the words that are coming out of your mouth people!! I am about to stamp my forehead before going into family events and parties with "on my period. not pregnant" just to avoid this question. It is so crazy how many times people hint that I could be pregnant with every thing I say. Like oh my shoulder has been bothering me, "welp you know you could be pregnant." Stop it!
Now I say all these things for every woman that experiences this, not just me.
1. There has only been one month that I could have maybe conceived a child since my wedding day. In fact, if you are knowledgable of the female reproductive system that is exactly like a 5-6 day window in which a woman ovulates and has the chance of getting pregnant. So the likelihood of this pregnancy assumption on your part is absurd.
2. There are people that have trouble conceiving children. How about you think about that before you ask me every single time I have a stomach ache. It could be offensive. And it could send someone to want to crawl in a hole every time you open your big "I want you to be pregnant so bad I can't control myself" mouth.
3. Let's say I was pregnant, one month and 8 days post wedding. Do you think I would tell you? I mean isn't there all these type of rules of when you can tell people just in case anything happens early on? So again, think people. Think.
4. Who is to say that I even want children? Have we discussed this before? Because I am pretty sure we haven't. I mean if you look at my life, it is not clear exactly that I am the type of person who even wants children. I love to travel, I love to party, I love to fly by the seat of my pants. I really really love my cat, and my small ass apartment. But go ahead, assume on. You are totally appropriate.
5. Did you ever think the question "Are you pregnant?" might just might make me feel like I have packed on the pounds (which I totally did) during my month long honeymoon? Jesus. I feel fat. This is offensive. Stop. I am not eating for the next three weeks.
So let's just be fair here. I promise you, when I have the exciting news that I am in fact pregnant I will tell you. I solemnly swear. But for now, and for the next few months, please please please back off and let me figure out how to be married and love my husband without your consistent, and persistent, yes, in fact Stupid Questions.
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
October 8th
Today marks four years since my Aunt Lisa has passed. Lisa was such an important part of my life. For those that had the opportunity to know her will understand that she had the ability to just light up a room. She was like a second mother to all of us. She loved us all with more than you can ever imagine someone can.
The fact that I am approaching my wedding day without her, without her ever knowing Steve, makes me feel a bit empty, not from sadness, but from the shadows where emptiness resides. I wish only, that he could have known her. But then I think, he does. He knows me, and I carry her with me everyday. That is comforting, just as she was to me, during all her days, even those leading to her death.
I am not typically one to grieve one's death with sadness. I learned at a very young age that people would be taken from our lives, and it is how we chose to honor these people that will always matter. Death, as I have said before, has taught me more about Life than any experiences have ever offered me. That may seem morbid to some, but it is real for me. It is what I have learned that helps me each day to go on, and to love, everything that is given to me, with a pure heart.
Sometimes that reality gets lost, but days like today, when the wind blows so freely, and my heart fills with such love, that I remember my aunts hands in mine. I remember that I have the most amazing family, and the best kind of lover, and the most supportive friends anyone could ever have. But most of all I remember that I will continue to live my life with passion, and intensity, and most importantly love.
The fact that I am approaching my wedding day without her, without her ever knowing Steve, makes me feel a bit empty, not from sadness, but from the shadows where emptiness resides. I wish only, that he could have known her. But then I think, he does. He knows me, and I carry her with me everyday. That is comforting, just as she was to me, during all her days, even those leading to her death.
I am not typically one to grieve one's death with sadness. I learned at a very young age that people would be taken from our lives, and it is how we chose to honor these people that will always matter. Death, as I have said before, has taught me more about Life than any experiences have ever offered me. That may seem morbid to some, but it is real for me. It is what I have learned that helps me each day to go on, and to love, everything that is given to me, with a pure heart.
Sometimes that reality gets lost, but days like today, when the wind blows so freely, and my heart fills with such love, that I remember my aunts hands in mine. I remember that I have the most amazing family, and the best kind of lover, and the most supportive friends anyone could ever have. But most of all I remember that I will continue to live my life with passion, and intensity, and most importantly love.
Friday, August 15, 2014
Ohhhhhhmmmm
Wow. I just realized I have not written in like 7 months. I am not exactly sure where the time has gone. I guess somewhere in between my anxiety attacks and wedding planning I have forgotten about writing. Well I am back.
Let me back up a little first to just explain a bit about my "anxiety attacks " because just saying that seems a bit dramatic. I have struggled with anxiety my whole life. As far back as I can remember I can recall feeling the overwhelming feelings, but as a child not understanding what they were. I do remember not being able to eat at restaurants, or having to pee every single time I walked into a new environment, not sleeping, or just terror of unfamiliar places. But I didn't know what it was. I just thought I was the annoying needy child that always just yearned for attention.
So 8 years ago when the real anxiety (that's what I consider it) began I was terrified. I remember being 23 years old sitting in the bathroom stall at a bar crying my eyes out, begging someone or something to give me relief from the fear, the anxiety, of just being out in public. I was unable to go anywhere. I also remember my boyfriend asking me to go to six flags, and me being like "are you crazy" I can't go somewhere like that, there are too many people, and what if I panic. What if I die? What if this and what if that?
Story of my life. What if?
I eventually got it under control with the recipe of medication and denial. And that worked for a really long time. As long as I had medication in my pocket book I could go anywhere. I could do anything because I had a safety net.
Eventually it went away for almost three years. I was living in a new city, receiving an awesome promotion, having the time of my life, forgetting about everything that ever caused me anxiety before. And guess what, I met the man of my dreams, and felt so loved, and so happy, and so much everything. I felt so so so much. And then boom, there was my long lost friend, lingering around, forcing himself right back into my life. Anxiety hit like it had never hit before.
I didn't get it. I was so happy. Why now, was this not supposed to happen to me? Was I not supposed to be happy. That was it. I didn't deserve this happiness. I didn't deserve Steve. I sure as hell didn't didn't deserve the engagement ring he put on my finger. And I was sure I didn't deserve the future I was going to have.
This is serious. These were my thoughts.
So you know what I did...I talked myself into dying. I was sure that if I was happy then I was absolutely positive it wouldn't last and I was going to die. I diagnosed myself with every cancer, every disease, under the sun. I spent every byte of my data plan looking at webmd. And I spent every last cent and then some more on medical bills, for every test and every scan I could get. I laid awake at night begging Steve to talk to me because I was sure I was not waking up the next morning.
And he stuck by me?
Eventually, I started on my journey to get this anxiety under control, sans medication. I spoke about this briefly back when I was still writing. I went to holistic doctors and started trying different things. I met my new therapist and started working. I remember during our first session she asked me what I did to relax. I could not answer this question. I went to Buddhist class to relax, I meditated, but honestly that was such a small percentage of my time that it was not enough. Plus, I was still regularly having panic attacks during each and every meditation. But I knew it would work, they said it would, so I believed. And eventually it did.
Thankfully, along with my therapy sessions, and my Buddhist classes, and meditation, I got my ass back to yoga. I remembered a time where yoga was my therapy, but I also remember the one major panic attack that led me running from the studio not to turn back. Well here I was, laying on the floor of savasana and I felt great. This was it! This was my recipe. As the tears rolled down my face I new this was the beginning. I knew I was strong enough. I could overcome this.
**I have to make a note here. In present time, I am re-visiting this blog post I tried to write weeks ago. And at the end of the sentence above I had a very intense panic attack. I had to leave work because I could not breathe. I made my fiance talk to me the entire way home because I was sure I was dying. This is how real this all is. I was so disappointed in myself, in the fact that as I was writing about how far I have come, and somehow it all came flooding back. But you know what? That is the nature of this shit. It sucks. But it is real and it is life, and I am still willing to work at it every day. Be honest with myself, and to those out there dealing with the same kind of feelings.**
I know now that anxiety cannot defeat me. As long as I have my friends, my family, energy to overcome my thoughts, my yoga community, and most importantly love I can always come out of this with experience, whether positive or negative. I will welcome tears as they fall from my eyes and sing peace, peace, peace as I am thankful for each and every day, and each and every one of you. Namaste.
Let me back up a little first to just explain a bit about my "anxiety attacks " because just saying that seems a bit dramatic. I have struggled with anxiety my whole life. As far back as I can remember I can recall feeling the overwhelming feelings, but as a child not understanding what they were. I do remember not being able to eat at restaurants, or having to pee every single time I walked into a new environment, not sleeping, or just terror of unfamiliar places. But I didn't know what it was. I just thought I was the annoying needy child that always just yearned for attention.
So 8 years ago when the real anxiety (that's what I consider it) began I was terrified. I remember being 23 years old sitting in the bathroom stall at a bar crying my eyes out, begging someone or something to give me relief from the fear, the anxiety, of just being out in public. I was unable to go anywhere. I also remember my boyfriend asking me to go to six flags, and me being like "are you crazy" I can't go somewhere like that, there are too many people, and what if I panic. What if I die? What if this and what if that?
Story of my life. What if?
I eventually got it under control with the recipe of medication and denial. And that worked for a really long time. As long as I had medication in my pocket book I could go anywhere. I could do anything because I had a safety net.
Eventually it went away for almost three years. I was living in a new city, receiving an awesome promotion, having the time of my life, forgetting about everything that ever caused me anxiety before. And guess what, I met the man of my dreams, and felt so loved, and so happy, and so much everything. I felt so so so much. And then boom, there was my long lost friend, lingering around, forcing himself right back into my life. Anxiety hit like it had never hit before.
I didn't get it. I was so happy. Why now, was this not supposed to happen to me? Was I not supposed to be happy. That was it. I didn't deserve this happiness. I didn't deserve Steve. I sure as hell didn't didn't deserve the engagement ring he put on my finger. And I was sure I didn't deserve the future I was going to have.
This is serious. These were my thoughts.
So you know what I did...I talked myself into dying. I was sure that if I was happy then I was absolutely positive it wouldn't last and I was going to die. I diagnosed myself with every cancer, every disease, under the sun. I spent every byte of my data plan looking at webmd. And I spent every last cent and then some more on medical bills, for every test and every scan I could get. I laid awake at night begging Steve to talk to me because I was sure I was not waking up the next morning.
And he stuck by me?
Eventually, I started on my journey to get this anxiety under control, sans medication. I spoke about this briefly back when I was still writing. I went to holistic doctors and started trying different things. I met my new therapist and started working. I remember during our first session she asked me what I did to relax. I could not answer this question. I went to Buddhist class to relax, I meditated, but honestly that was such a small percentage of my time that it was not enough. Plus, I was still regularly having panic attacks during each and every meditation. But I knew it would work, they said it would, so I believed. And eventually it did.
Thankfully, along with my therapy sessions, and my Buddhist classes, and meditation, I got my ass back to yoga. I remembered a time where yoga was my therapy, but I also remember the one major panic attack that led me running from the studio not to turn back. Well here I was, laying on the floor of savasana and I felt great. This was it! This was my recipe. As the tears rolled down my face I new this was the beginning. I knew I was strong enough. I could overcome this.
**I have to make a note here. In present time, I am re-visiting this blog post I tried to write weeks ago. And at the end of the sentence above I had a very intense panic attack. I had to leave work because I could not breathe. I made my fiance talk to me the entire way home because I was sure I was dying. This is how real this all is. I was so disappointed in myself, in the fact that as I was writing about how far I have come, and somehow it all came flooding back. But you know what? That is the nature of this shit. It sucks. But it is real and it is life, and I am still willing to work at it every day. Be honest with myself, and to those out there dealing with the same kind of feelings.**
I know now that anxiety cannot defeat me. As long as I have my friends, my family, energy to overcome my thoughts, my yoga community, and most importantly love I can always come out of this with experience, whether positive or negative. I will welcome tears as they fall from my eyes and sing peace, peace, peace as I am thankful for each and every day, and each and every one of you. Namaste.
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