Let me back up a little first to just explain a bit about my "anxiety attacks " because just saying that seems a bit dramatic. I have struggled with anxiety my whole life. As far back as I can remember I can recall feeling the overwhelming feelings, but as a child not understanding what they were. I do remember not being able to eat at restaurants, or having to pee every single time I walked into a new environment, not sleeping, or just terror of unfamiliar places. But I didn't know what it was. I just thought I was the annoying needy child that always just yearned for attention.
So 8 years ago when the real anxiety (that's what I consider it) began I was terrified. I remember being 23 years old sitting in the bathroom stall at a bar crying my eyes out, begging someone or something to give me relief from the fear, the anxiety, of just being out in public. I was unable to go anywhere. I also remember my boyfriend asking me to go to six flags, and me being like "are you crazy" I can't go somewhere like that, there are too many people, and what if I panic. What if I die? What if this and what if that?
Story of my life. What if?
I eventually got it under control with the recipe of medication and denial. And that worked for a really long time. As long as I had medication in my pocket book I could go anywhere. I could do anything because I had a safety net.
Eventually it went away for almost three years. I was living in a new city, receiving an awesome promotion, having the time of my life, forgetting about everything that ever caused me anxiety before. And guess what, I met the man of my dreams, and felt so loved, and so happy, and so much everything. I felt so so so much. And then boom, there was my long lost friend, lingering around, forcing himself right back into my life. Anxiety hit like it had never hit before.
I didn't get it. I was so happy. Why now, was this not supposed to happen to me? Was I not supposed to be happy. That was it. I didn't deserve this happiness. I didn't deserve Steve. I sure as hell didn't didn't deserve the engagement ring he put on my finger. And I was sure I didn't deserve the future I was going to have.
This is serious. These were my thoughts.
So you know what I did...I talked myself into dying. I was sure that if I was happy then I was absolutely positive it wouldn't last and I was going to die. I diagnosed myself with every cancer, every disease, under the sun. I spent every byte of my data plan looking at webmd. And I spent every last cent and then some more on medical bills, for every test and every scan I could get. I laid awake at night begging Steve to talk to me because I was sure I was not waking up the next morning.
And he stuck by me?
Eventually, I started on my journey to get this anxiety under control, sans medication. I spoke about this briefly back when I was still writing. I went to holistic doctors and started trying different things. I met my new therapist and started working. I remember during our first session she asked me what I did to relax. I could not answer this question. I went to Buddhist class to relax, I meditated, but honestly that was such a small percentage of my time that it was not enough. Plus, I was still regularly having panic attacks during each and every meditation. But I knew it would work, they said it would, so I believed. And eventually it did.
Thankfully, along with my therapy sessions, and my Buddhist classes, and meditation, I got my ass back to yoga. I remembered a time where yoga was my therapy, but I also remember the one major panic attack that led me running from the studio not to turn back. Well here I was, laying on the floor of savasana and I felt great. This was it! This was my recipe. As the tears rolled down my face I new this was the beginning. I knew I was strong enough. I could overcome this.
**I have to make a note here. In present time, I am re-visiting this blog post I tried to write weeks ago. And at the end of the sentence above I had a very intense panic attack. I had to leave work because I could not breathe. I made my fiance talk to me the entire way home because I was sure I was dying. This is how real this all is. I was so disappointed in myself, in the fact that as I was writing about how far I have come, and somehow it all came flooding back. But you know what? That is the nature of this shit. It sucks. But it is real and it is life, and I am still willing to work at it every day. Be honest with myself, and to those out there dealing with the same kind of feelings.**
I know now that anxiety cannot defeat me. As long as I have my friends, my family, energy to overcome my thoughts, my yoga community, and most importantly love I can always come out of this with experience, whether positive or negative. I will welcome tears as they fall from my eyes and sing peace, peace, peace as I am thankful for each and every day, and each and every one of you. Namaste.
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