Everything.

I just had to get up, leave my computer screen, and hide in the bathroom to cry, for just a few moments.  This is everything.  Everything.

And when I go home I will love my everything even more. 

This is a letter written by Fiona Apple, as an apology to her fans for the suspension of her tour.  And this is exactly why I love her even more today than I have ever loved her before.  And this is exactly why I remember to give Jose an extra rub, or an extra kiss, each and every day.  Watching someone pass whether a friend, a family member, or a pet is life changing.  It brings a meaning to life more than anything will ever come close to.  With this letter I remember holding my aunts hand as she took her last breath, and with this I acknowledge how special each and every moment is.  With every wind, I remember.  I certainly can never forget. 

taken from Fiona's Facebook

It's 6pm on Friday,and I'm writing to a few thousand friends I have not met yet.
I am writing to ask them to change our plans and meet a little while later.
Here's the thing.
I have a dog Janet, and she's been ill for almost two years now, as a tumor has been idling in her chest, growing ever so slowly. She's almost 14 years old now.I got her when she was 4 months old. I was 21 then, an adult officially - and she was my child.

She is a pitbull, and was found in Echo Park, with a rope around her neck, and bites all over her ears and face.
She was the one the dogfighters use to puff up the confidence of the contenders.
She's almost 14 and I've never seen her start a fight ,or bite, or even growl, so I can understand why they chose her for that awful role. She's a pacifist.
Janet has been the most consistent relationship of my adult life, and that is just a fact.
We've lived in numerous houses, and jumped a few make shift families, but it's always really been the two of us.
She slept in bed with me, her head on the pillow, and she accepted my hysterical, tearful face into her chest, with her paws around me, every time I was heartbroken, or spirit-broken, or just lost, and as years went by, she let me take the role of her child, as I fell asleep, with her chin resting above my head.
She was under the piano when I wrote songs, barked any time I tried to record anything, and she was in the studio with me all the time we recorded the last album.
The last time I came back from tour, she was spry as ever, and she's used to me being gone for a few weeks every 6 or 7 years.
She has Addison's Disease, which makes it dangerous for her to travel since she needs regular injections of Cortisol, because she reacts to stress and to excitement without the physiological tools which keep most of us from literally panicking to death.
Despite all of this, she’s effortlessly joyful and playful, and only stopped acting like a puppy about 3 years ago.
She's my best friend and my mother and my daughter, my benefactor, and she's the one who taught me what love is.
I can't come to South America. Not now.
When I got back from the last leg of the US tour, there was a big, big difference.
She doesn't even want to go for walks anymore.
I know that she's not sad about aging or dying. Animals have a survival instinct, but a sense of mortality and vanity, they do not. That’s why they are so much more present than people.
But I know that she is coming close to point where she will stop being a dog, and instead, be part of everything. She’ll be in the wind, and in the soil, and the snow, and in me, wherever I go.
I just can't leave her now, please understand.
If I go away again, I’m afraid she'll die and I won't have the honor of singing her to sleep, of escorting her out.
Sometimes it takes me 20 minutes to pick which socks to wear to bed.
But this decision is instant.
These are the choices we make, which define us.
I will not be the woman who puts her career ahead of love and friendship.
I am the woman who stays home and bakes Tilapia for my dearest, oldest friend.
And helps her be comfortable, and comforted, and safe, and important.
Many of us these days, we dread the death of a loved one. It is the ugly truth of Life, that keeps us feeling terrified and alone.
I wish we could also appreciate the time that lies right beside the end of time.
I know that I will feel the most overwhelming knowledge of her, and of her life and of my love for her, in the last moments.
I need to do my damnedest to be there for that.
Because it will be the most beautiful, the most intense, the most enriching experience of life I've ever known.
When she dies.
So I am staying home, and I am listening to her snore and wheeze, and reveling in the swampiest, most awful breath that ever emanated from an angel.
And I am asking for your blessing.

I'll be seeing you.
Love, Fiona

DaGrinch

The holiday season I guess has crept up on me again.  Hate this time of year.  Fast foward to December 27th please.

Girl Code

I have been talking alot about "Girl Code" with my girlfriends lately and I think its only appropriate to put this out there.  I have officially broken my strict loyalty to this code and it weighs heavy on my heart each and every day.  The plus to this, I am happy, really super happy for once.  So following the rule of life, as to do what makes you happy, is my only justification for this occurance.  Even though I still feel super crappy about it.  But enough of that anyway....

So here it is.  This is my idea of girl code.  Breaking the code results to you sucking in my mind and I'm sure most girls out there will agree...

1.  Do not date your girlfriends ex-boyfriend.  This is not acceptable.  There is a time limit on this shit though.  Like if I dated Tommy in the first grade, please feel free to get all up in him.  I'm gonna go with five years as the time limit.  If your girlfriend gives  you permission, or if she has since married, feel free to chose as you please.  Otherwise, do not do this. 

2.  Side note to #1.  Do not sleep with someone your friend has slept with.  I understand there are exceptions to this rule, but its kinda gross.  And weird to do this consciously.  Exception #1...your friend does not remember having sex.  Exception #2...you have sex at the same time as your friend, aka threesome.  Exception #3...you were not aware (truthfully). 

3.  After you break up with a boyfriend understand that you are broken up.  Shit did not work for you.  Let him out to date other people.  Do not call him to discuss his dating.  Do not get angry at him for dating.  Size up the girl, judge her, make fun of her, then let it go.  Let it the fuck go.  Hear me.  Leave him alone.  This will bring me to my next point.

4.  Internet stalking is acceptable we all do it.  Shit don't deny it.  Please.  However, and by However, I mean however....leave him alone.  Stop liking every fucking picture and every stupid status update on social networking sites.  Be stealthy.  Making another girl annoyed by your unstealthiness is fucked up.  His new girl is aware of you, trust me.  Now make yourself disappear.  And please, please, do not resort to texting him to try and just fuck shit up.  You are dumb.

5.  If a girl has 1. lipstick on her teeth, 2. toilet paper on her shoe, 3. boogies in her nose, 4. period on her pants, TELL her.  Please Please, tell her.  She will really appreciate it.

6.  Do not be jealous of your girlfriends new girlfriends.  It is tacky.  Just because she made a new friend, does not mean you have the right to be a jealous bitch.  Accept the new friend, make her your own if you want, but overall, just be cool. 

7.  Do not make your boyfriend your whole life.  Remember those girlfriends that got you through your tough times.  Remind them of their importance.  And most importantly maintain your memory of being independent. 

8.  Make dibs on guys if you please.  Respect your girlfriends interest, but accept the loss if you do not make a move. 

9.  Always be a wing women.  If your girls need you, be there.  Take one for the team if you have to.  You all know what I mean. 

10.  Be honest, with care.  Realize your opinions and comments to your friends WILL matter.  So much sometimes that you will be cut if you make the wrong one.  Think before you speak, it will ultimately do the trick.  It's kind of easy.  If you think it is not right to say, It's NOT. 

11.  Do not wear the same outfit as your friend in the same night.  This is the exact reason we all ask "what are you wearing tonight."   Don't fuck this shit up.  This goes for shoes and perfume as well. 

12.  Do not encourage your friends to drunk dial their ex's.  Comfort them when they make mistakes.  Do not judge, we all do it. 

13.  Tell your friend if her outfit is horrible.  Again, be honest, but wise.  If it is just not your style, then save your comments.  If it is just terrible, speak up. 

14.   Do not go against the girl code.  And if you do (like me for instance) give yourself a penance and accept that you could possibly have lost mad respect or whatever.  And then move on to attempting to not break again.  What goes around comes around.

Vote

Okay anyone who knows me must know that I never discuss politics.  I will sit in silence and ask you as politely as I can to not discuss them with me.  It makes me feel uneasy and I hate that I can (and will) judge you for your views.  I would rather not know.  Your choice is your choice and as long as you keep it to yourself I will not judge, argue, or delete your ass from my life.  It's that serious.

But anyway....I need to say this in anticipation for tomorrow's election day.   If Romney wins this election I am 99.8% sure I will be out of a job.  Programs like the one I work on will be closed, and low income families will be left to find jobs in an economy where job placement is an absolute joke. We already are struggling enough with Corbett in office and it will be a complete nightmare for our program if Romney is elected. 

“Well, my system is primarily based on trying to create jobs, not handing out cash to individuals. I do lower the lowest income tax bracket from 10 percent to 7.5 percent. And that helps, of course, people at the low economic level."  -Romney
Smart, real smart kid.  Create some jobs.  Fucking genius. 

So if you like Romney, and you plan to vote, please anticipate my begging for some money.  Cause my ass is gonna be jobless and broke. 

And if you don't like this post, then suck it, and then suck it some more. 

Make sure you do go out and vote though.  It is kinda sorta your right, what we once fought for, and absolutely positively important to the future of our country.

morning

Total fucking cheeseball alert.

But...I am driving to work this morning and I felt all sorts of happy.  Not tired.  Not annoyed to be going to work.  Just happy. 

That's all.

Choices

I'm about to rant on....

Okay so I hate, really hate, when people say they don't have a choice.  I feel like Michelle Pfeiffer or whatever, but shut up.  You always have a choice. 

This woman just left my office and I honestly wanted to tear into her, but it was not worth it.  She comes to my desk, 30 seconds after walking into the program for the first time, with severe attitude.  She begins to tell me that she does not want to be here and she wants to go to Temple for school.   I began to tell her that it was great she wanted to go to school however, when you receive cash assistance today you are required to work, in order to close your cash assistance, which then in turn can leave you financially ready to go to college.  The goal is work.  Employment.  Finding a job.  Ever here of it??  Apparently not. 

I mean I worked three jobs in college and played lacrosse to pay my shit.  Go fucking figure. What makes you any different than me?  She continued to tell me that she is here because she does not have a choice.  Every word that came out of my mouth she would interrupt to remind me that she does not have a choice.  Finally, I was able to let her know that she does have a choice.  The choice is get the fuck off Welfare, how about that?  Or maybe, you should choose to be humble about this experience, about this assistance, that is given to you through my tax dollars.  Oh wait, how about the choice to use protection, or birth control.  Guess you didn't have a choice then either. 

Now this is very unlike me, to get worked up over something a client says because ultimately people say rash things in times of struggle.  I understand that.  I will always be here to help those who want it.  And I support this type of program and it's success.  Without the Welfare System I would not have a job, and I would not have the opportunity to help others. 

But anyway, this lady, she is the worst and I hope she makes the choice to be a better person when she wakes up tomorrow. 

Done.  Thanks.

Va.Len.Theee.A

Otherwise known as Valencia. 

Just putting it out there now.  There is going to be a little bit left out of this post out of respect for certain people.  Including my mom.  Cause she doesn't need to be hearing all my dirty laundry, she just needs to be doing it, or whatever.  It would make for an incredible story and would most likely make you piss your pants, so if I haven't already told you, just ask and I will (maybe) tell.

Arrived in Valencia, via train from Madrid which went smoothly.  Even though we were all still saddened from our Madrid departure.  We got to our second apartment to be greeted by our AirBnB host's friend, who was mad cool.  And the apartment was amazing.  Ar and I chose to sleep in the kiddie room so I could practice my Spanish by reading kiddie books right after I sang karaoke on the play microphone. 

I am losing my grasp on some things because my thoughts of Valencia are some what clouded.  But anyway, we roamed around, footing the city all in one day searching for some stupid tower that we passed just close to a million times.  Valencia was much smaller than Madrid so we got most of our sightseeing done the first day. 

We had an amazing dinner, at "I don't remember where" but I know it consisted of tacos and patatas bravas of course.  After dinner we headed out to the bars.  I was somewhat miserable this night because I was sort of tired.  But then I drank myself out of misery and became some drunken wild animal.

We proceeded to Bolseria for a drink (or seven in my case) and some dancing.  Arianna fucking rocked that shit out like she was at the P.  Never knew she had all those moves.  We were in the right moment.  Shit was awesome.  DJ was taking music advice from Jackie, and Fran, well, was just being Fran.  I'm pretty sure Fran and Ar were like slipping and sliding at some point, but I don't remember much.  Oh wait, and Jackie fell in love.  With a dude in a porsche or some shit like that. 

And then came darkness.  Lots of it.

The next day we decided to take off to go to the beach.  Fail.  Well sort of.  We could not rent bikes, because we were still not understanding that everything closes down between 3 and 5pm.  It was impossible for us to start moving prior to these hours considering the shit we do at night.  But anyway, we took the train there and it was awesome.  Topless and free finally.  Jackie got to stick her toes in the Mediterranean for the first time, which is always super special.  Fran and Ar had happy hour as usual.  I on the other hand was still recovering from the night before.  Seriously.

After the beach we decided to take it easy.  And by easy I mean we let Ar cook an amazing dinner and drink two bottles of wine.  This was one of my favorite nights, because I just got to live in Spain with no distractions, with my lovers.  Amazing. 

The next day we decided to skip the beach in fear of missing our train.  We sat in some park instead, which I don't even think people really sit in.  But whatever.

And guess what.  We missed our train anyway.  Typical. 

Valencia was very quick but very memorable to me.  It kinda of snapped me back into reality.  I will forever hold it close. 

Off to Bar.Tha.Lona.

Stay tuned.