Happy

Having a really bad day.  Boss called me "fucking rude" in front of a client.  Not cool.  It took everything in my power to not flip shit.  So I am turning it around with a list of 10 things that can always make me happy.

1.  Telling Kali, "see you later alligator" only to hear in response, "after while crocodile"
2.  Hearing my nephew say, "i lub wu too aunt wara"
3.  Walking barefoot.  Anywhere and Everywhere.  Then using random tubs to clean my feet.
4.  Laying in the grass
5.  Comfortable Silence
6.  Photographing
7.  Telling someone else they look pretty or handsome
8.  Being kissed on the forehead
9.  Pickles
10. The sound of the ocean

Obviously there is much more than just these ten things that make me happy...but for today, thassss it.

Ohhh wait...11.  That song on repeat.

Tonight...

Is going to be absofuckinglutely amazing.  I can just feel it already.  Okay GO.

Details of debauchery to come.

Men...

As much as I want this to be a, "Men You Really Suck Sometimes" post I am going to turn this shit around.  Recently, a friend of mine experienced one of those effed up situations that never fail to amaze me when it comes to men.  Dudes....when you have a girlfriend, that you say you love, and care about, its simple, real simple....Keep Your Dick in your pants (unless its out for your gf of course).  Stop Cheating. 

Ohhhh....and if you have a girlfriend, stop just stop, being a fucking pig.  Have respect.

So here it is....there are just a few of these good guys left in this world.  I feel I need to pay my utmost respect to those that I fully look to believe there are still some of you left out there.  And to these dudes, well done.  Mad Props.

1.  My Pop
2.  My Dad (of course)
3.  Libo
4.  The Greto Boys...Nick and Michael. 
5.  John (whatever his last name is) Fran's Moms BF.
6.  Don Storey
7.  My brother in laws, both of them.
8.  All my gay boyfriends, you know who you are :)
9.  Thomas Joseph
10. Ste.

That was hard fuckers.  Step your game up. 

Stop lying its not that big a deal to NOT break our hearts into a million little pieces. 

On Hip City Veg

Me: I looked at the Hip City Veg Menu and I don’t think I can go

Friend: Why?

Me:  There are too many options and I want everything.  You know, I don’t think about it often but its kinda easy on me being a veg head and all, because there are limited options.  And I can’t make a decision.  Ever. On anything.  So it’s easy, but now it’s hard.

Friend: Yeah.  I’m real bad at decision making.

Me: I don’t think I can go.

Friend: I heard the fries are really good.  Just place an order before you go.

Me: Fuck

Friend: Commit Laura.  We can go back another day.

Me: That does not help.  I still have to make a decision. Whatever, fuck it.  I am ordering one of every side, and then some.

Anyways....I went to Hip City Veg and I was able to make a decision.  I am not really into the fake meat shit, seitan, tempeh, etc. so it was not as difficult as I had originally imagined.  I got the Buffalo Bella and it was amazing.  Jac got the Bistro Bella, which would have been my other choice, and it was just as good.  Sauteed Kale, Sweet Potatoe Fries, Banana Whips, and Green Tea Lemonade were also consumed.  Everything was really good and I am happy to have a junk food spot I can hit up on the reg. 

The decor and design of the joint and its menus, etc were all designed a friend of ours Mike Smith who seems to be super fucking fantastic when it comes to his work.  So mad props to him.  I'm trying to convince him anyway that vegan is what will work best for him, but he does not seem to think giving up pulled pork sammies could ever be an option.

So...get to Hip City Veg if you haven't already because its legit.

 http://philadelphia.menupages.com/restaurants/hipcityveg/menu

                                                      Photo Credit: Crackerjax IG

Conversations (part one)

Some of the shit I say. I hope no one in life, ever takes me seriously.

This will hopefully be a series because I find it hilarious to look back on the conversations I have with people.

The following conversations are ones that I have had in the past month with one of my best friends. Let's just call her 'Friend' for the sake of her embarrassment.

Don't worry, if you are reading this...you will most likely get one of these one day, so watch what you say bitches.

On the conversation of dudes who ask for pictures prior to first date

Me: like what does that matter? What are you gonna go wack it in the bathroom

You should send him a pic from awkwardfamilyphotos.com

Friend: I should

Me: I would

Friend: Oh man no I think he wants to see my boobs or something

Me: Well, who wouldn’t? Omg don’t go out with him, he’s a creeper. He’s gonna date rape you.

On baby showers

Me: Don’t go. I don’t think I was at yours. Ohhh wait, I was there. I remembered that dog.

Friend: Yea I thought you were. But mine was a party with boys

Me: Yea that super hot secret agent guy was there

Friend: who? My old neighbor?

Me: Yea… I would do him

On Boats

Me: God I need a boat

Friend: hahah well this guy builds them

Me: Well tell him to build me a boat. With a hot Latino in the cabin. That is not allowed to leave. Ever.

Friend: hmmm I will see. It’s funny i just do not have this guy figured out yet

Me: Do you want to?

Friend: Probably not. I dunno. Maybe?

Me: Try and figure him out after you sleep with him

Friend: Hahah, yea. I will let him take me to dinner, or fishing. Stalk him out….his name is **** under my friends list. Let me know what you think. His profile picture is Eazy E. But he is not Eazy E.

Me: Ok let me stalk. Why is he obsessed with Eazy E?

Friend: I have no idea

Me: Well…you should tell him to give you that nut.

Friend: Haha.

On getting your bike stolen by your asshole ex

Me: So maybe just slash his tire. Plus, that’s much more expensive than a bike.

Friend: Or I can slime his truck with thick gooey slime

Me: Or just Ajax the whole thing

Friend: Why? What does Ajax do?

Me: He will need a whole new paint job. It’s serious...this psycho I know did it to her ex's car. But she also hung her baby out her window a couple years later so....

Friend: hahahahhaa

Me: Crazy but awesome. The Ajax. Not the baby.

Friend: That would be funny. Just plain Ajax huh?

Me: Cheap and not messy. Or loud or noticeable until it dries. Shit…NOT Ajax. What am I saying? I’m talking about bleach.

Friend: Ohhhhhhh ok

Me: And you can put it in his gas tank....and ruin it for life

Friend: That would be cool just dump it on the hood. Let the sun dry spots

Me: I was thinking that comet stuff. Yep. Make that truck “white trash” like he calls you.

Friend: hahahhaa. I seriously do not want it back now, i just want to get even. It’s weird.

Me: hell yea

Friend: and what’s even weirder is i still want to have sex with him

Me: Hahaha…so would I. Naturally. Of course

Friend: But now I will definetly never go near him again. That’s sooo f’d up.

Me: True

Friend: I want to have someone call him and fake that they are a cop. Holy shit....you should do it

Me: What should i say?

Friend: ummmm i dunno

Me: What do cops even say?

Friend: hahah i have no idea

Me: I think i could go to jail for life posing as a cop

Friend: Oh yea maybe?

Me: Fuck it, maybe you should just give me his number because I will be drinking tonight and I am a super awesome prank caller when I am drunk. Me and Meg are the queens.

Desperately Seeking Joe Daley

Could not post the full video on craigslist, and it cannot be ignored.

Desperately Seeking Joe Daley

4:11 am: Enter Wawa. Engage in extreme dance party, hoagie eating, saltine spitting frenzy.
4:17am: Spot Joe Daley (from behind). Begin to experience tremendous envy of blue cropped slacks and purple flowered shirt.
4:19am: Joe Daley turns around. Perfectly groomed mustache and long blond locks now grace my presence.
4:24am: Continue dancing. Shove Slim Jim down friend’s throat. Friend feels jerky in neck.
4:25am: Feel increasing need to hang with Joe Daley post Wawa stop.
4:30am: Leave Wawa. Get in car.
4:31am: Pull up next to Wawa door as Joe Daley exits with friends. Call out to Joe insisting he get in the car.
4:32am: Joe Daley jumps at opportunity, hops in car. At this moment Joe Daley is unaware he is about to experience the best morning of his life.
4:34am: Stop car, urinate in the middle of street. Get back in car.
4:36am: Joe Daley explains he is from Brooklyn. Asks us where we are going. Let him know he is currently en route to an even more extreme dance party than that shown in Wawa. Joe Daley gets excited.
4:40am: Arrive at Club 506A. Joe Daley eats exactly three bites of roast beef hoagie. Vodka and beer are graciously supplied.
4:42am: This is the exact moment when Joe Daley begins to feel the awesomeness begin. Makes phone call to friends to ensure safety.
4:44am: Continues ensuring friends he is safe. Convinces friends that if they were the chosen ones they would have left too. Let’s friend know, “dude I gotta go, music is getting real loud, dancing real good.”
4:45am: Begs friends to not lock him out. Ends phone call.
4:50am: Dance party begins. And continues.
4:55am: Joe Daley starts to feel the music.



5:20am: Dancing begins to slow. Limbo time.
5:21am: Joe Daley offers arms for Limbo pole.
5:26am: Dance party continues.
5:31am: Joe Daley begins to wonder reason we like him so much. There is only one reason. One reason only. And that is that Joe Daley is awesome. Made up of pure awesomeness head to toe.
5:34am: Joe Daley does not accept his awesomeness. Becomes self conscious. Asks if we are going to murder him.
5:36am: Convince Joe Daley he will not be murdered tonight.
5:39am: Continue to ensure Joe Daley that he is just awesome. And so are his blue pants. And his hair. And his stache.
6:00am: Michael Jackson “The way you make me feel” plays in the wee hours in the morning. Birds begin to chirp.
6:02am: Dance party ends.
6:09am: Get kicked outta Club 506A. Return to car, Joe Daley still in presence.
6:12am: Joe Daley and friend engage in rap battle.
6:15am: Drop Joe in South Philly. Wish him luck on his search for his friends.
6:30am: Sleep.
10:00 am: Wake up. Begin to miss Joe Daley.
10:10 am: Watch videos from extreme dance party.
10:12am: Begin search for Joe Daley.

Present time: Still desperately seeking Joe Daley. We miss you JD. We really really do.

If anyone knows the whereabouts of Joe Daley please let him know to please contact me. Seeking lifelong friendship, formed over the most extreme 80’s dance party of all time.

Description: 31 year old, male. Long Blonde Hair. Perfectly groomed mustache. Extreme sense of fashion.

Brooklyn resident. Has friends living on S. 3rd St in Philadelphia.
Does not have facebook account. Still has Myspace.

Savannah's Best

People ask me what the best thing about Savannah was. I would say.....I agree with this guy.

Open Container Rule