Many Instructions for a Small Child.

I did this...yes I did. It is a fucking cat. But I love him so so much.

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Instructions for a crazy cat, Jose Gato Diablo.

Dude is like real simple. But real crazy. So pay attention.

Food. Just fill the bowl like a little more than half way. When its empty fill that bitch up. He will not eat the last couple unless you starve him, so I guess just fill it when it gets down low. As for water, you can fill a bowl, but he will prob not drink from it. He will wait for you to turn on the sink so he can drink from that. Or he will just drink from any cup you leave around.

Poo. It stinks like real bad. I usually scoop like every night because I don't like my apartment to smell like stinky ass.

Cups. Do not leave any cups on any tables or they will be broken when you get home. He will preciously pick up all the glass and lay it somewhere real super special for you, like your bed.

Human Food. He will eat everything. Anything you think he won't get into, he will. I left a box of pasta out the other day and little fucker ate right through the box. Never knew dry pasta was so appealing. Poisonous foods to not feed the devil cat....garlic (he loves, so don't leave it anywhere or he will find it), onions, chocolate, raisins. He really really loves beans like his mama. Feel free to give him some only if you are eating them. He will stalk your ass anytime a can is removed from the cabinet.

These are the plants that are poisonous, so I think you are okay. I would suggest putting your plants away though because he will eat them. As he will anything else that is edible.
Lilies. Ingesting even small amounts of Easter lilies and related plants can cause severe kidney failure in cats.
Azaleas and rhododendrons. These pretty flowering plants contain toxins that may result in vomiting, diarrhea, coma, and sometimes even death.
Tulips and daffodils. The bulbs of these plants, if ingested, may cause serious stomach problems, convulsions, and damage to the heart.
Sago palms. Eating just a few seeds may be enough to cause vomiting, seizures, and liver failure

Toilets. He will drink every last drop of your toilet water. Disgusto I know. He is real fucking special. So keep your toilet seats down.

Do not be super surprised when he gets in the shower with you. He really likes water. Like alot.

Sleep. He will cuddle in your arms if you want him to. He will wake up around 6 am and annoy your ass to no end. So I apologize in advance.

How to scare him. He is terrified of fire alarms, vaccuums, and Septa. If you want him to hide under your bed for 8 hrs, put him face to face with one of the above.

If he gets sick, he goes to Queen Village Vet. They have all his paperwork there.

Thank you so so much. I hope that he does not ruin your apartment. Or your life.

If anything happens to him, I will kill you. For reals. I love you though.

Instagram the shit outta his ass.

Love always your favorite crazy cat woman,
Ldubbs.