This will hopefully be a series because I find it hilarious to look back on the conversations I have with people.
The following conversations are ones that I have had in the past month with one of my best friends. Let's just call her 'Friend' for the sake of her embarrassment.
Don't worry, if you are reading this...you will most likely get one of these one day, so watch what you say bitches.
On the conversation of dudes who ask for pictures prior to first date
Me: like what does that matter? What are you gonna go wack it in the bathroom
You should send him a pic from awkwardfamilyphotos.com
Friend: I should
Me: I would
Friend: Oh man no I think he wants to see my boobs or something
Me: Well, who wouldn’t? Omg don’t go out with him, he’s a creeper. He’s gonna date rape you.
On baby showers
Me: Don’t go. I don’t think I was at yours. Ohhh wait, I was there. I remembered that dog.
Friend: Yea I thought you were. But mine was a party with boys
Me: Yea that super hot secret agent guy was there
Friend: who? My old neighbor?
Me: Yea… I would do him
On Boats
Me: God I need a boat
Friend: hahah well this guy builds them
Me: Well tell him to build me a boat. With a hot Latino in the cabin. That is not allowed to leave. Ever.
Friend: hmmm I will see. It’s funny i just do not have this guy figured out yet
Me: Do you want to?
Friend: Probably not. I dunno. Maybe?
Me: Try and figure him out after you sleep with him
Friend: Hahah, yea. I will let him take me to dinner, or fishing. Stalk him out….his name is **** under my friends list. Let me know what you think. His profile picture is Eazy E. But he is not Eazy E.
Me: Ok let me stalk. Why is he obsessed with Eazy E?
Friend: I have no idea
Me: Well…you should tell him to give you that nut.
Friend: Haha.
On getting your bike stolen by your asshole ex
Me: So maybe just slash his tire. Plus, that’s much more expensive than a bike.
Friend: Or I can slime his truck with thick gooey slime
Me: Or just Ajax the whole thing
Friend: Why? What does Ajax do?
Me: He will need a whole new paint job. It’s serious...this psycho I know did it to her ex's car. But she also hung her baby out her window a couple years later so....
Friend: hahahahhaa
Me: Crazy but awesome. The Ajax. Not the baby.
Friend: That would be funny. Just plain Ajax huh?
Me: Cheap and not messy. Or loud or noticeable until it dries. Shit…NOT Ajax. What am I saying? I’m talking about bleach.
Friend: Ohhhhhhh ok
Me: And you can put it in his gas tank....and ruin it for life
Friend: That would be cool just dump it on the hood. Let the sun dry spots
Me: I was thinking that comet stuff. Yep. Make that truck “white trash” like he calls you.
Friend: hahahhaa. I seriously do not want it back now, i just want to get even. It’s weird.
Me: hell yea
Friend: and what’s even weirder is i still want to have sex with him
Me: Hahaha…so would I. Naturally. Of course
Friend: But now I will definetly never go near him again. That’s sooo f’d up.
Me: True
Friend: I want to have someone call him and fake that they are a cop. Holy shit....you should do it
Me: What should i say?
Friend: ummmm i dunno
Me: What do cops even say?
Friend: hahah i have no idea
Me: I think i could go to jail for life posing as a cop
Friend: Oh yea maybe?
Me: Fuck it, maybe you should just give me his number because I will be drinking tonight and I am a super awesome prank caller when I am drunk. Me and Meg are the queens.
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