So in the third and final chapter of our honeymoon we experience our final day in Savannah.
The morning starts out with a brief meltdown starring myself. I was hungry what can I say...and I was dreading another tofu burrito. I wanted "fucking potatoes" as I yelled through our walk through the park. You think potatoes would be easy to find, but no, they are all drenched in butter in this god forsaken Paula Deen worshipping city. I resorted to telling Danielle I was giving up being a vegan, and I was going to eat eggs. I don't even like eggs, nor would I ever eat them again, but my hunger got the best of me. Fran mighta been a little scared at this point.
To our surprise "vegan" cafe had a Sunday brunch menu. But guess what I got? You got it, Tofu burrito. I am such a brat I cannot stand myself sometimes.
After breakfast we headed to the beach town of Tybee Island.
Peep the video of the drive to the beach. Fran hides her 8 kids in the trunk.
I actually really loved it here. I felt like Miss America. Everyone was strutting around, just shy of 300 lbs, in their itty bitty bikinis. This was heaven on earth. I felt like the skinniest bitch in Savannah. It was awesome. We put in a good 6 hr beach day frying every bit of our whiteness. Success! Finally.
Soon after leaving the beach we started to prepare for our honeymoon dinner. We luckily found Alligator Soul online and the menu had this precious little note at the bottom "Vegetarian/Vegan? No worries, our chef will cook something just for you!" I was now not only the skinniest girl, but the happiest that I can shove my face with creole goodness tonight.
We stopped by the cemetary on our way to Alligator Soul to try and catch more ghosts, but they were still on vacation. As we got to dinner we were again pleasantly surprise by the option to get wine flights for $11. That is three glasses of wine for $11, and since Savannah does everything big, it was perfect for us. Our dinner was simply amazing. We were in love again.
Since we had to leave super early the next morning we decided that we would call it a night after dinner. We did however walk barefoot out back of Dicky's house and then trek our dirty feet through the house. Living on the edge??....shit I would say.
Monday: Woke up at 5 am to get on road. Shit sucked real bad. 12 hrs of pure boredom and longingness for my beloved Jose. Finally we made it home and I ate the most falafel and hummus one vegan can eat.
Thank you Savannah for a strange and memorable experience.
Saturday: Despite Fran's hangover, we decided it was best we go for a run through the city to check out where we wanted to go. The weather was perfect, and no one else in the entire city excercises so we had the roads to ourselves. After our run we were excited to get to the "vegan" coffee shop as Dick had described it to us. We soon find out that there is exactly one menu item that is vegan. Awesome, tofu burrito it is, for the rest of the god damn trip.
We then head down to the Riverfront which is made up of galleries, terrible touristy shops, and restaurants serving fried fish and fried fish. I went into an art gallery at one point and wanted to take a picture of the gallery itself. Most galleries, in NYC and Philadelphia, allow you to take pictures as long as you do not take dead on shots of the art in true form. Well I didn't even get my camera to my face before Ms. Southern Super Bitch was yelling at me that no cameras were allowed. I politely apologized and explained I did not get a shot and I was not aware of the rule. Ten minutes later, after returning to the counter to find more information on one particular artist, Super Bitch informed me that there was a sign on the wall that said "NO Cameras." I apologized again and then one more time for not seeing the sign. She insisted on telling me again, that there was a sign. I was so annoyed at this time I proceeded to leave before I got all sorts of Yankee on her ass. As I am walking out she is now yelling at me telling me that "that is a really nice camera you got there, beautiful in fact." Like fuck you lady, get over yourself. Anyway, I did not buy any art. And she sucked.
After leaving the tourist trap we headed over to Forsyth Park to get our tans and drink on. This is where it was at. People were everywhere...children and their parents, dogs and their parents, homeless people and their drugs, inbred dudes and their beer bongs. We fit right in. Bloody Marys were much needed. We spent most of our time desperately searching somewhere we could eat. Task was super hard.
We decided on a quick and cheap sushi restuarant for dinner. Shit was terrible. Danielle and I ordered enough food for ourselves, the nineteen homeless people from the park, Dick, and Dicks motha. We had no idea that a $3 order of veggie tempura would leave us with a full platter of food, nor did we realize that by six pieces to a roll actually meant eight. Bill was like $20 total. No wonder why everyone in Savannah is overweight, if it was that cheap to eat here in Philadelphia, I would be the next fattest thing to the Wilson Phillips sister.
While at the coffee shop that morning we were informed of a huge music benefit going on downtown. It was actually really nice to hear that the community was doing this for a local musician who was shot in the neck on his way home from a gig one night. Of course we had to go. We headed to the Marketplace to be pleasantly surprised by the drunkest man in the universe and the super talented General Oglethorpe and the Panhandlers.
After checking out the schedule of bands and set times we saw that the Social Club was where most of the shit was going down. And since trendy Kayak Kafe waitress told us that was the spot, we decided to head on over.
What we witnessed in this bar deserves an entire blog to itself. I will sum it up. Paraplegic helmets worn by perfectly drunk non-paraplegic people accompanied by ski googles, all in the attempt to save them from bumping their head when they fall off their bike. Yep. And the dude with a tool belt full of hot sauces. Oh wait, and the cute guy, FINALLY, I start talking to insists on informing me that his chickens sleep in his bed. And he knows when his chicken has fertilized eggs because he catches them screwing, and his dog really likes it too. And then, there were prom dresses, lots of them. Some held together by safety pins, some not so held together at all. Some barely visable through the endless stomach of rolls. Fuck we needed to get outta this place. The vodka finally set in and I felt like I just ate 3 quaters of mushrooms. I couldn't stop laughing.
So after the third prom party rolled in we called it quits and headed back to McDonoughs Pub to lay low key for the rest of the night. Welp, we were wrong yet again. First, I was ruffied by the typical Without a Trace raper/murderer. Thankfully the bartender was kind enough to give me a new drink even though Fran offered to take care of me like a good husband would do. Second, it was karaoke. In the south. In the middle of SCAD's campus. This should say it all, but I think the next serious of videos will do.
This is all happening as I am getting ruffied. I am so lucky.
Take notice of my incredible back up dancing
Please enjoy the screening of, "It's a Wonderful Nerd"
Sometime around 1 am we met some real honky tonkers out smoking cigs. They offered to take us bull riding, yes right then, but we had to go for a ride. I had learned enough already in two days in Savannah to know that it was absolutley positively not a good idea to get in the car with anyone who was offering to show me any sort of bull or do any which way of riding. Fuck that. Fran woulda went if Fran's Fran in 40 years wasn't dancing inside with her new best friend straight off of the Love Boat.
Fran in 40 years
Fran raps for the locals who offer to take us bull riding
After engaging in an argument, yes it always seems to happen to me, with some poorly dressed SCAD student we decided to call it a night. Thank.you.baby.Jesus.
Sorry this took so long to get up but I have just been non stop since returning from the trip. Lots of you have been wanting to hear about my trip so here it is....
Thursday: Left Philly for a short ride to Annapolis to see my rock Kelly for the night. Stopping here was not necessarily saving us time but it is important for me to make a pit stop to see Kel and Fin if I can. Its always so nice to see them and it was the perfect start to our trip. Over pickles and wine we had a very nice night. Lesson learned: Danielle cannot make a bed for the life of her. I actually am not even positive she has covers on her bed at home. They might be on the list of things to buy once she hits a year in her apartment.
Friday: woke up at the butt crack of dawn, well not even, to get on the road. Forgot to pack myself a container of pickles. First fail. Missed the Dunkin Donuts and next 30 (and only) Starbucks on the road. Second fail. Regardless, drive was going well. Danielle was probably sleeping the whole time but hey she completed the first 4.5 hours no problem. Sometime around 2:30pm we arrive at the South of the Border. I have passed this so many times in my life and have never stopped so I insisted that we do so. And we both had to pee of course. We thought it would be a great idea to just grab a fresh cold beer while we were here. Well we thought pretty much fucking wrong. Upon entering the beer store we decide to be courteous by asking the counter dude if it was okay for us to grab two singles and sit out front in the sun. Joe fucking Dirts uncles first cousin was not having it. "Zero Tolerance" (in the strongest southern accent ever) he screamed at us over and over. Trying to get a word in I tried to explain to him that I just wanted one beer and it was completely legal to drive as long as you did not exceed the legal limit. "Zero!!!" "Zero Tolerance" is the only response I got. Apparently there is "Zero" "Zero Tolerance" when it comes to drinking and driving at the South of the Border.
We finally arrive in Savannah around 4 pm and it is just gorgeous. Breathtaking. I love it. We find the house that Dicky lives in. Dick greets us and gives us some food suggestions and some brief info on the layout of the city. I will just say this now, for our first Airbnb experience, Dicky Fricky poo was just amazing. He only spoke to us when he was spoken too and provided us with directions to the nearest (and only) coffee shop serving vegan treats. And he had a series of Simpsons cups, that I insisted I would steal. But thankfully for my karma I never did. Anyways, we headed out to grab something to eat before our haunted tour of the city. Mind you it is Friday the 13th, making this plan even more awesome than it could ever be.
Anyways, we eat at the Kayak Kafe and it was pretty basic but probably the only compatable eatery for us annoying vegans. Everyone working there looked super trendy so we decided to ask the waitress to steer us towards to "non-touristy" bars. She informed us that the Social Club was the spot to be. But I'll get into that later. We then head over to McDonoughs where we are scheduled to meet our tour guide from Tara tours. If you are ever in Savannah I highly suggest you take this tour. Most of the companies that run these tours do not allow you to drink or be drunk during, well, not this one. Fran and Dan were drunk before the shit even started and our tour guide preciously stopped at many pubs along the way. Unfortunately, for once in my life, I did not see one damn ghost. I travel all the way to Savannah to hang out with some stupid ghosts and they are on fucking vacation. Great.
Along the tour we meet Julie and Paul who are super awesome. Julie loves music so we all hit it off right from the start. After the tour we stay at The Moon River Brewing Co to have beers and talk music with Julie and Paul. I am so glad to have met them and hope that one day when they move back to Austin we can crash their place for ACL. During our time at Moon River Brewing Co we start to notice the crowd. This is our first stop in the Inbred Twilight Zone. I can only post this video to show you what I mean.
We decide it is time for us to leave as the lights go on and we become just as ugly (and I am being nice here) as those around us. We hop in a Pedi Cab which was the best experience of Fran's adult life so far. We pay Iron Legs the bare minimum for the ride home. Frans' offer to sleep with him numerous times but he passes on the offer.
Lesson learned: Fran not only does not know how to make a bed, but she sure as hell does not know how to share one either.
I received our Airbnb review this morning from Fricky Dicky....
Laura & Danielle were good guests...I didn't see too much of them as they were out seeing the sights most of the time. Quiet & inobtrusive..I can recommend them to other hosts..
In other words...Laura and Danielle were fucking awesome....I didn't see too much of them as they were out drinking the entire time. They spent most of their time looking for vegan food and non inbred gentlemen. Although they were quite unsuccessful at this task they were rather cheery and giggly about the whole experience. Quiet and inobtrusive...they did a great job of secretly wearing their shoes around the house. Thankfully, they did not steal my series of Simpsons cups as Laura stated she was going to. They were very kind and selfish to not leave me the banana beignets like they originally planned to do. Overall, they are the prettiest most awesome women I have ever met.
Awww thanks Rick. You were quite the stand in dad we were looking for. Danielle is especially happy you did not rape or kill her in her sleep.
After bombarding you all with endless super annoying pics of our trip to Savannah I will now post a serious of shit I experienced on this road trip. This will be the first.
Fran and Dan meet Frick.
So if you all don't know about Airbnb, well, check it out. Thanks to Allison, I found out about this website, and I have to say it is pretty fucking awesome. You can log onto Airbnb.com and search places to rent all around the world for super super cheap. You can chose to rent an apartment, flat, or full home either sharing it with the owner at the time, or renting it all to yourself.
We decided that since we were broke we would go with renting a bedroom in Frick's house. As in Frick I mean, Rick, Dick, DickyPoo, whatever you (or we) wanna call him. My mom wanted to tie me down and keep me in Philadelphia forever, claiming I was on my way to meeting the next Craigslist killer. For $60 a night I was willing to check it out. And I am still pretty positive Frick is gay, so I was confident he did not have any interest in my engine.
Well Frick was basically like a friend of a friends dad that you just paid minimal attention to. He was a super awesome host, only speaking to me when spoken to. I guess the dynamic is kinda weird for him. But like I said, he's got it down. He lets you be, and if you wanna talk to him, you can find him plopped right there on the couch watching Law and Order episodes catching up on his favorite novels such as the Help.
And he had a Brita too, which was a plus, cause Savannah water tastes like sulfur infused seltzer.
The only thing that was weird for me, is this whole taking off your shoes thing before you enter the house. I think it is pretty awesome that people follow this rule cause it makes sense in the long run, however, I just can't fucking get it. I am terrible at it. Everytime I got dressed I put on shoes, then realized as I was walking down the steps that I was not following the rules. Whatever. I suck at it, I get it.
Besides, Fran being nervous she would be chloroformed everything was just peachy in this Savannha home. It was nice and cozy and we def had the coolest room in the house. Being in someone elses home saved us from trashing some hotel room like a re-run straight outta our Maine trip. Our honeymoon suite served us right.
Point of story. Check out airbnb and save lotsa money on your next trip.
every single memory. trespassing in my mind. wait and wait and wait. for it them to pass in time. never letting go. always stuck inside. laying in this sea. pretending not to hide. every single moment. i carry you in my heart. back to that lonely feeling. that i didn't want to start. i sit now on this fourth step. and wish for you to go. for love and light be with you. ill never let you know.
I did this...yes I did. It is a fucking cat. But I love him so so much. Email
Instructions for a crazy cat, Jose Gato Diablo.
Dude is like real simple. But real crazy. So pay attention.
Food. Just fill the bowl like a little more than half way. When its empty fill that bitch up. He will not eat the last couple unless you starve him, so I guess just fill it when it gets down low. As for water, you can fill a bowl, but he will prob not drink from it. He will wait for you to turn on the sink so he can drink from that. Or he will just drink from any cup you leave around.
Poo. It stinks like real bad. I usually scoop like every night because I don't like my apartment to smell like stinky ass.
Cups. Do not leave any cups on any tables or they will be broken when you get home. He will preciously pick up all the glass and lay it somewhere real super special for you, like your bed.
Human Food. He will eat everything. Anything you think he won't get into, he will. I left a box of pasta out the other day and little fucker ate right through the box. Never knew dry pasta was so appealing. Poisonous foods to not feed the devil cat....garlic (he loves, so don't leave it anywhere or he will find it), onions, chocolate, raisins. He really really loves beans like his mama. Feel free to give him some only if you are eating them. He will stalk your ass anytime a can is removed from the cabinet.
These are the plants that are poisonous, so I think you are okay. I would suggest putting your plants away though because he will eat them. As he will anything else that is edible. Lilies. Ingesting even small amounts of Easter lilies and related plants can cause severe kidney failure in cats. Azaleas and rhododendrons. These pretty flowering plants contain toxins that may result in vomiting, diarrhea, coma, and sometimes even death. Tulips and daffodils. The bulbs of these plants, if ingested, may cause serious stomach problems, convulsions, and damage to the heart. Sago palms. Eating just a few seeds may be enough to cause vomiting, seizures, and liver failure
Toilets. He will drink every last drop of your toilet water. Disgusto I know. He is real fucking special. So keep your toilet seats down.
Do not be super surprised when he gets in the shower with you. He really likes water. Like alot.
Sleep. He will cuddle in your arms if you want him to. He will wake up around 6 am and annoy your ass to no end. So I apologize in advance.
How to scare him. He is terrified of fire alarms, vaccuums, and Septa. If you want him to hide under your bed for 8 hrs, put him face to face with one of the above.
If he gets sick, he goes to Queen Village Vet. They have all his paperwork there.
Thank you so so much. I hope that he does not ruin your apartment. Or your life.
If anything happens to him, I will kill you. For reals. I love you though.
Instagram the shit outta his ass.
Love always your favorite crazy cat woman, Ldubbs.
